Given and Denied
by Vanjalina
Summary: DH EWE. Tiny AU. Hogwarts. The war broke Draco, he has no future and no hope left. Harry has a perfectly happy life, at least as long as you don't scratch the surface. Little do they know how much their lives are about to change.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: There's a lot of things in here which you will recognize from JKR's wonderful world – they're hers, not mine. And it would have been nice, but no, I'm not making any money from this.

A/N: With only the tiniest of exceptions exception this is strictly based on canon. I've only chosen to interpret the things that actually happened in the books a bit different. Big thanks to Millior and Amber Honley who are my appreciated beta readers, and to Lily for being an endless source of joy.

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><p>Some things are given and denied us (we can't have them).<p>

Some things are given and denied by us (we refuse to acknowledge them).

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

* * *

><p>The flames are everywhere, and the heat is becoming unbearable. In the shapes of horses, dragons and lions they move their way steadily towards Draco. It is no good running any more, there is nowhere to run to and he's out of time. More fiery animals appear, closing in on him from all sides. He knows that he will soon die – it scares him more than he thought was possible – and he feels so utterly and heartbreakingly alone.<p>

And then there is a movement above him. Something dark moves through the smoke, and Harry is there all of a sudden, clinging to his broom as he dives and reaches out a hand for Draco. Draco has started to stretch out his own when he sees something moving in the corner of his eye. From one side comes a giant wave of fire, crashing down over the piles of rubbish. He watches in speechless horror as the wave crashes over Harry and drowns him in a raging inferno.

"Noo! Harry, no! Harry, please, no!"

Draco sits straight up in the bed, panting and wet with sweat. His throat is sore, so he guesses that it has been one of the screaming nights. He slips out of bed on shaking legs and gives himself some light. Then he picks up his dressing gown and walks over to the window. It is still dark outside, but he can see the first rays of light showing at the skyline. He gives a snort that is far too close to a sob, but the parallels are painful to him, taunting him with the fact of the absence of light in his own sky. He pokes at his reflection in the window. Draco Malfoy, eighteen years old and without a future stands in front of him. And the reason for that sleeps two corridors away, saved by a last minute change of loyalties. His father. His face grows grim when he thinks about his family. He knows that he is supposed to be happy to have his family still intact but, especially in dark wakeful nights like this, he wonders what the Ministry had been thinking when they let Lucius Malfoy go free. They knew what he had done, and still they set him free. On lifetime probation and under house arrest, of course, but still, if anyone deserves Azkaban it is his father. The familiar heat awakens in his stomach. If it wasn't for his father he could be out there with all others, starting a new, joyful life. Instead he sits here with one of the most hated names in the country and on probation himself. He closes his eyes and clenches his teeth hard. He will never, ever forgive his father for what he did to him, for what he made him do. Always so eager to show the Dark Lord what a loyal and resourceful son he had, and when you stand there, in front of the Dark Lord himself, you don't say no. Draco might be many things, but he isn't suicidal. And then his father dragged his mother into it all, and suddenly he was responsible for her life too. The children of other Death Eaters were never pushed like Draco was, their parents kept them out of the war. It just isn't fair.

He sits down on the bed, turning the dream over and over in his head, still unable to get more out of it than a shiver and a feeling of hopelessness. He knows that dream too well, it haunts him all too often. Night after night he is trapped, waiting for his death. Night after night Harry enters, risking his own life to save Draco. Night after night he has to watch Harry die in front of his eyes, knowing that it's all his fault. He fights back the nausea that sometimes follows the dream and walks over to the window again. He presses his forehead against the cool glass, closing his eyes. Harry. The celebrated Saviour, The Chosen One, the great Harry Potter. Draco doesn't want any of them. He just wants Harry. There is a sob that he almost succeeds in stifling. He is so totally and thoroughly fucked. He can't help snorting at the double meaning, if it only was that as well. He decides hastily that he should drop that thought fast if he wants to keep his sanity. The usual thoughts about Harry are bad enough.

It's nothing new of course, the attraction had been there since they had both stopped being kids. He thinks for a moment about Harry's life. Scratch that. Since Draco had stopped being a kid. Unfortunately he was already caught up in a plan that, in the end, should have lead to Harry's death by then. He curses his father under his breath. He had had his hated name back then, but maybe he could have convinced Harry to look past that. Instead he stole glances when he was in the same room, slowed down if he could when he passed, just to hear him talking. And then there was that strange thing, a thing that should have given him hope if he hadn't been so tied up in the Dark Lord. Because when they glared at each other there was something more than contempt in Harry's eyes. There was a glimmer of curiosity and interest. If Lucius Malfoy hadn't been his father, he could have been able to find out what that glimmer meant.

Draco walks back to to the bed and decides to give sleep another try. Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, the thoughts come back. In two weeks time he'll be going back to Hogwarts, and he's sure that Harry will too. What will he find in his eyes this year? He sighs. What does it matter? They're not even The Chosen One and the Malfoy this time, this year it is The Saviour of the Wizard World and the sentenced minion of the Dark Lord, a child of a Death Eater and a Malfoy in addition to that. No, whatever hopes and dreams he has he had better take them and bury them deep, or he'll be in for a hell of a lot of pain. The second to last thought that runs through his mind before he falls asleep is that he wishes someone could tell him how to bury those things. The last one is that when he wakes up it will only be twelve days until he'll see Harry again.

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><p>Standing on Platform nine and three quarters, Draco feels a wave of meaninglessness. Why is he doing this to himself? What difference will some N.E.W.T.s make when you bear the Malfoy name? He can feel people's eyes on him, and an old lady even is rude enough to point. Draco would do anything not to be a Malfoy any more; he hates the name and all it stands for, and he wishes he could disown himself. But that will never happen. Being the only child and having a father who is fanatical about the plans for Draco to produce the next heir, that just isn't an option. He boards the train and starts looking for a compartment that will allow a sentenced Dark wizard to enter. While he walks he wonders what his father would say if he knew that he is gay. Would that be enough to disown him? He's afraid not. His father would probably find him a wife anyway, and ensurehis will was done. Lucius Malfoy is scarily effective when it comes to getting what he wants. He spots Pansy in a compartment, sitting next to the window and ignoring the three chatting Slytherin fourth-years on the seat opposite her. Pansy and he have been friends since first year, she's one of those who might actually accept him. He opens the door and stops hesitantly in the door, feeling four pairs of eyes turning to him.<p>

"Can I sit here?"

One of the teens snorts and another puts her mouth to her friends ear, whispering something. The girl giggles.

Pansy smiles at him though. "Of course." She pats the seat next to her.

He sits down and gives her an appraising look, remembering the train ride two years ago. He was scared as hell, but a Malfoy to the fingertips. He had been lying on a seat like this with his head in Pansy's lap, a picture of self-confidence and content. And above him Harry was lying, listening and trying to snoop in Draco's business. A Draco who didn't know what he felt, other than that Harry's presence affected him more than anyone else's. He remember the waves of despair, fear and then consuming anger over everything that was wrong in his life. And he took it out on Harry. He closes his eyes and tries to push away the picture of Harry's face covered in blood.

"Draco, are you OK?" Pansy's expression is worried.

Draco looks at the fourth-years, but they are chatting happily without giving them a glance. "Should I be?" He can't help it, his smirk is hollow and his voice is bitter.

"I see." She bites her lip, then smiling a small but familiar smile. "Well, soon we'll be back at Hogwarts. Just like old times. Almost."

"Yeah. Do you look forward to it?"

"I need my N.E.W.T.s. I can't say I'm thrilled, but it is Hogwarts after all, it's my second home." Pansy looks pensive. "What about you?"

"I can't say I'm thrilled either. I won't be the most loved student this year."

"No, we both know who that will be." She smirks.

A stab of pain goes through Draco at the thought of Harry. "So you know that he will be coming back?"

"Yes, I saw him earlier. He was passing outside on the platform, looking as if he was going to start biting people's heads off." She snickers. "Not that it stopped people from coming to talk to him, putting their hands on his arm, shaking his hand." Pansy rolls her eyes. " I think he had to stop three times just in the time the took for him to pass my window."

Suddenly Draco hates Harry's fame, one of the things that determinately pushes them apart. When he talks his sarcastic voice drips with disdain. "Poor, celebrated Harry Potter."

Pansy gives him a searching look. "Do you want me to give you a piece of advice?"

"Can I stop you?" He rolls his eyes.

"Yes. Just say no. I'm not going to force anything on you."

He sighs. "Just tell me."

"If I were you, I would be careful with what I say about Harry Potter. I don't have to tell you that a lot of people will find it very offensive if they hear you."

Draco groans. "I know, I know. Let's just talk about something other then Potter, shall we?"

"Of course." Pansy is silent for some time. "Draco, may I ask you a question?"

"Yes." He rolls his eyes.

"You know, you and I, people won't like us this year." She gives him a sad smile. "You the most I'm afraid. Do you have any plan for how to cope with that?"

"I'm planning to eat, sleep, do my homework flawlessly, be attentive in lessons, all the time keeping my head down and pretending I don't exist." There's a flicker of pain in his eyes. "As well as I can." _And __without__ making a total idiot of myself pining after Harry._

Pansy nods slowly. "I think that's a good plan. I might use some of it."

* * *

><p>The Feast is magnificent, as usual. He sees some smug eleven-year-old copies of himself taking their place at their table. Was he really that arrogant and filled with self-importance? He sighs and knows that he was; and he wonders if those kids will grow up and be happy or if they will follow in his tracks. Sighing once more he turns back to his food. Pansy is sitting down the table with two seventh-years she knows, and Draco ended up next to Blaise. It's nice, he hasn't seen Blaise since their sixth year, and now he is talking happily about his time in Italy, about girls and culture and wine. Things feel almost normal for a short time, until he looks up and meets the eye of a Hufflepuff girl at the next table. Her face is furious and she looks like she's considering jumping over the tables and stabbing him to death with a spoon. An educated guess would be that he is looking at a person who has lost someone close to them in the war. In a way he wants to apologize to the girl, try to make things better, but at the same time he reminds himself that he is <em>not<em> responsible for all the horrors of the war. His belief in the Dark Lord shattered when the war came, when he was forced to grow up and started to look at things in different perspective than he had as a child. He did many bad things during the war, he can't deny that, but he never did it for pleasure or personal gain. Only to survive. He wants to tell the girl this, to explain, but he's pretty sure it would be wasted time, she would never listen to him. To her he's just another Death Eater gone free. A murderer. He stares down in his plate, looking at the food that he cannot possibly force down now. This is where Blaise saves him from his thoughts, again, by starting to talk about one of the seventh-year girls and whether her nose is too big or not. Draco can't help smiling. Yes, it's nice to have Blaise back.

oOo

When the Feast is over McGonagall asks the returning seventh-years to stay with her. The way the students from the other houses hug and greet each other makes it obvious that they have all been friends since earlier. Someone mentions Dumbledore and Draco swallows hard. But wait, Dumbledore's Army, wasn't that –

"You are very welcome here, all of you." McGonagall doesn't look at Draco when she says this, but some of the students do. "To avoid confusion you will be called eighth-years, to distinguish you from the ordinary seventh-years. You will have separate classes with the rest of your year, and you will share a common room and dormitories in a separate tower. In addition you will not be a part of any house this year, you will all wear Hogwarts colours."

There are some mumbling at this, obviously this isn't entirely popular. Draco doesn't know how to feel about it. There would be some feeling of safety in the Slytherin common room, he has a suspicion that Slytherin will be nicer to him then the other houses. But the eighth-years are few, hopefully people will keep things civilized to keep a decent climate in the tower. And there is Harry. His first reaction is pure joy, he will be spending a lot of time with Harry. Bet then he has second thoughts. Being that close to him, spending most of the day with him, it's possible that it could be troublesome. Spending his days watching what he can't have will get old fast.

McGonagall takes out a parchment. "Abbot, Bones, Granger, Greengrass and Parkinson, being the only girls you will share a dormitory. Boot, Corner, Finch-Fletchley, Finnigan, Goldstein and Longbottom, you will share the large dormitory." Draco catches his breath. "And that leaves Malfoy, Potter, Weasley and Zabini in the other."

Draco forces his breathing to go back to normal. To have Blaise in his dormitory is more then he could have hoped for. But the Gryffindors... Weasley who shoots him glares which tell him that if he doesn't keep his toes in the line this year there will be hell to pay. Draco has been on the receiving end of his punches before, and Weasley seems to have filled out well in the last year. Malfoys aren't supposed to be scared, but since he doesn't want to be a Malfoy any more he ignores that, and admits that maybe the red-headed Gryffindor scares him a little. And Harry. Not only will he spend all his days in the same classes and sharing a common room, he will now have him close at night too. They will live so close together, Draco will see his tired face in the mornings and see him undress every night, and then know that he is lying in a bed that is far too close. This could be an interesting year. It still remains to be seen how long he will be able to keep his sanity.

"Your belongings have already been brought to your dormitories. The entrance to the tower is on third floor on the west wall, next to the portrait of Bardussa the Somnolent. The password is 'Una Prorsum'." McGonagall looks around at the students. "I want you to remember that you are adults, and I want you all to act as such." It is possible that her gaze rests a little longer on Draco and Harry. "You have all come from different houses, but this year you will forget that. Now you are only students in Hogwarts' eighth year, nothing else."

oOo

When Draco comes up to the dormitories he can hear from the voices that Harry and Weasley are already there. Hearing that they talk about himself and Blaise he stops and listens.

"Of all the guys in our year we got stuck with the snakes." Ron huffs and drops something on the bed, probably clothes.

Harry's voice is muffled, possibly from talking with his face in a wardrobe. "We're not supposed to care what house they were, remember?"

"But I still can't see why we got both of them."

"It's called alphabetical order. Blame your parents." There's a big thud that indicates that Harry just threw himself down on the bed.

Ron snorts. "I'd rather blame the snakes' parents. They deserve it."

"I've heard that the Zabinis were neutral during the war, that they left the country and didn't come home again until it was over."

"Well. They were just cowardly snakes then."

"You're persistent, I'll give you that." Harry laughs. "But the war is over and we should try to make the best out of the situation. Stop calling them snakes. Give the guy a chance."

"You're the one to talk."

Harry sighs deep and when he talks it's with a certain irritation. "But that's not because he's a Slytherin, it's because he's _Malfoy_."

Draco freezes outside the door. He had hoped that the war would wash away some of their animosity, but that obviously wasn't the case with Harry; and it hurts more than he thought it would. He draws a shaky breath, puts an uncaring mask in place and enters the room. The two ex-Gryffindors look up at him. He nods at them and goes on until he reaches the bed furthest away from the door. Without a word, or any more looks at the other boys, he starts to unpack. An uneasy silence settles over the room.

The silence is broken when Blaise enters. He greets Harry and Ron with a small smile and a 'Hi'. The boys mumble something back and follow him with their eyes when he claims the last bed, next to Draco.

"Hey, Draco?" Blaise looks at him.

"Mm."

"Will you be studying Arithmancy this year?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. I won't, I don't think I'm really going to need it. And I think it will be better for me to put bigger focus on fewer classes."

"Mm."

Blaise senses a lost case and gives up on talking, starting to unpack instead, and the silence settles once more. All four boys makes themselves ready for bed, and now there is some sound as Ron and Harry talk in hushed voices, ending in a 'good night'. Then the silence is back again.

The last thing Draco does before he goes to bed is to find the translation for the password. When he has discovered it he stares at the words, and then an old-time sneer flashes over his face. McGonagall either lives in denial or has a very strange kind of humour.

oOo

The next morning Harry is up first, already dressed and sitting on his bed when Blaise and Draco get out of bed. Ron is still hidden in the bedclothes, and even though Harry pokes him with a toe every now and then he doesn't surface. Blaise is putting on his tie when Harry starts to speak.

"So, Zabini, how does it feel to be in a tower, aboveground?"

Blaise looks surprised. "Um. A bit strange with the windows. But the beds are the same, so it's really not so big a difference at night."

"There's a note on the message board about our meals. Since there are fewer Slytherins this year they have made space for the eighth-years at the end of their table." Harry looks intently at his thumb for a while before looking up again. "I was thinking that I should wait for you and we can go all..." There is the tiniest of pauses. "...four of us together." He gives Ron a playful kick. "If we ever get Ron out of bed, that is."

A surprised smile dawns on Blaise face. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." He looks at Ron. "Have you tried water? Wait, where is my wand..."

There's a groan from the bedclothes. "No, no water. I'm awake, I'm awake."

"It works every time." Blaise grins.

They get Ron out of bed and manage to get him through the morning routine in a surprisingly short space of time. Meanwhile Harry sits on Ron's bed and talks with Blaise. Their conversation is halting, but they are both trying to carry it on. Draco is sitting on his bed, reading a book, but Harry soon get a feeling that he spends very little time actually reading, because almost every time Harry looks over at him his eyes are on Harry. And every time he gets caught looking he hastily turns back to his book. Harry frowns. What was Malfoy up to now?

oOo

When the four boys make it to the Entrance Hall they are late, and most of the school is already eating. At the doors to the Great Hall stands a redhead with an impatient expression. Ron sends Harry a compassionate look.

"Harry!" Ginny hurries over to him. "I've been waiting here for ages, where have you been?"

"Um. I was just waiting for the others to be ready. So we could go together." Harry looks uneasy.

Ginny stares at the ex-Slytherins and narrows her eyes. "You rather go with _them_ than me?"

"It's not about going with them or you. I'm here now, right?" Harry gives her a hopeful glance.

"You're right." She smiles and puts her arm under Harry's, and starts to walk them towards the Great hall.

Harry doesn't miss the amused look that Blaise and Draco exchange, and he scowls at them.

They enter the Great Hall and Ginny tugs at Harry's arm. "Come on, I asked them to save two seats for us."

"Um, Ginny?" Harry mentally ducks in case of an incoming storm. "I can't sit with you."

"What? Why not?" Ginny stops and stares at him.

"Because I'm an eighth-year now, I don't belong to any house any more. I'll sit with the other eighth-years from now on." Harry tries to sound calm and soothing.

"You've got to be kidding me. The prefects told us that the eighth-years wouldn't be living with us, but you must be able to..." She stops and blinks. "Harry?"

Harry plays with his sleeve. Why can't the other boys just go on instead of standing and witness this? He doesn't have to look to picture Malfoy´s smug smirk. "Yes?"

"What did you say about houses? Are you trying to tell me that you're not a Gryffindor any more?" She's starting to look upset.

"Um. I guess I'm not."

"But how will they know which class you should be in then?" There's a irritated note in her voice now.

"You see..." Harry bites his lip. "Ginny, we won't have classes with you, eighth-years will have their own classes together."

Ginny stares at him, an angry frown forms on her face. "So you're saying that we won't live together, we won't have classes together, and we can't even have meals together." Her lips are tightly pressed together. "You're unbelievable." She gives him an angry glare, turns on the spot and walks promptly over to the Gryffindor table.

Harry turns to the others. "It's not my fault, I didn't decide this!"

Blaise wears just the amused grin that can be expected. "Hey, that's how girlfriends work. I'd say you've got some pleasing to do before things are back to normal again."

"You're kidding me, right?" Harry stares at Blaise. "You're suggesting that _I_ should be the one apologizing for this? No way."

"With that attitude I don't understand how you've lasted this long." Blaise still grins at him.

Draco's smirk is joyless and his tone is a tiny bit bitter. "That's easy Blaise. At the end of the day, who doesn't want to date The Saviour of the Wizard Word?"

"Shut up, Malfoy." Harry glares at him.

"If I were you I would watch my mouth." Ron takes a step closer to Draco. "Just because your reputation makes sure that no girl ever want to come close to _you_, it doesn't mean that you can pick on other people's situations."

"Is that so?" Draco arches a mocking eyebrow.

"You're such an ungrateful bastard!" Ron clenches his fists and takes another step closer.

"Ron." Harry puts a hand on his shoulder. "I know that it's tempting to punch him in the face, but remember what McGonagall said. She would be highly disappointed if we didn't even made it to breakfast." Without another word he pulls Ron with him towards the eighth-years' table.

"Brilliant." When the ex-Gryffindors are out of earshot Blaise turns to Draco. "You just can't stop provoking Potter, can you? We have to live with those two for a year, you do realize that?" He shakes his head in disgust. "Let's get some breakfast. I suggest you sit next to Pansy, she's far away and has been staring at you since we entered."

Draco would have sat down next to Pansy even if Blaise hadn't said something. There hadn't been time to talk since they had been on the train, and Draco needs to know where she stands. They had been friends through school, but at the beginning of last year they had developed a new kind of friendship, one that wasn't built on talk and laughter, but on understanding looks and small encouraging smiles. Both of them seemed to appreciate the other's company, and even if it was a lot of silence, they found some kind of safety there in the chaos around them. But now Draco is primarily a Malfoy in the eyes of the public. And being a Malfoy means that you are someone who both fought for the Dark side, and betrayed it. Placed in a situation where both sides hate you. He isn't the most popular choice as your friend for the beginning of your new life after the war.

He slips down on the bench next to Pansy. "Good morning."

"What was that about? Weasley looked really pissed." She looks at him with big, curious eyes.

Draco serves himself coffee and talks with an unaffected and slightly bored voice. "I thought I would make a statement and start the term by insulting The Chosen One."

Pansy's eyes grow even bigger. "You didn't!" She hits him on the arm and hisses at him. "You total idiot! Why would you do something like that?"

"Do I need a reason?" He lifts an eyebrow and smirks at her.

"Idiot. What happened to 'keep your head down'?"

Draco looks around them and finds that no one really find them interesting. His face then gets very tired and sighing he starts to tear a piece of bread to crumbs. "I don't know. I don't know why I did it, it just..."

"Sometimes I think you would be a happier man if I just sew your mouth shut."

"You don't understand." Draco makes a small pile of bread crumbs.

"Enlighten me." She crosses her arms and gives him a expectant look.

Draco pushes the crumbs from side to side, finally making a decision. "Not now. Later."

She looks surprised and lowers her voice. "You're telling me that you actually have a reason for your idiocy this time?"

"Later. If you're interested in listening." He looks up and meets her eyes. "If you're still interested in my friendship."

Pansy tilts her head to the side, observing him for some time before she nods. "I see. You're afraid I will leave now that your life has turned bad?"

Draco lifts his cup and looks down in the coffee. "I won't blame you, not in the slightest. I know my present place in society, and what it might do to people who associate with me." He flinches when a soft hand touches his cheek.

"Draco, I'm only going to say this once, so I suggest that you listen. Even more now then last year, we will both need someone to turn to. And I actually happen to like you."

Even more bread is torn to pieces and Draco gives her an odd glance.

"And eat something – destroying bread doesn't count as having breakfast."

oOo

After lunch Pansy and Draco are sitting on a bench out in a corner of the courtyard.

"So, do you want to tell me?" Pansy gives Draco a searching glance.

"I don't know. I think I might need to be a bit more calm and a lot less stressed from soon having another class." He rubs his face. "But maybe a part of it."

"I'm listening."

"You see, lots of stuff has happened has happened in the last two years. And I..." Draco sighs and looks at the sky for some time before turning back to Pansy. "And I really, really wish that Potter would like me."

"Um, then Draco, your behaviour this morning doesn't make sense. At all."

"I know!" He stands up and momentarily hides his face in his hands. "It's just... when he comes close I just can't stop myself. I don't know if I've done it too much through the years, if it's just a knee jerk reaction now." He looks pleadingly at Pansy. "And it wasn't bad today."

She looks doubting. "What did you say?"

"I kind of made fun of him for being The Saviour of the Wizard World..."

Pansy hides her face in her hands and groans, then looking up at him with a resigned face. "Draco, did you hit your head during the war? You used to be a clever guy, but that... coming from you that was just... If I were Potter I would have punched you in the face myself in that instant."

"Thank you, now I feel much better."

"Face it, if your goal is to get Potter to like you, then you made a complete idiot of yourself."

"Not helping, Pansy."

She sighs. "If I say that it actually could have been worse, does it feel better then?"

"Maybe," Draco mumbles and studies his thumb.

"I think you should apologize to him."

"What?" Draco chokes on his breath. "No, no, no, I can't do that." He pales and sits down on the bench again.

"It's not hard. Just walk up to him and say 'I'm sorry for making fun of you this morning'. Even you can do that." She nods encouragingly at him.

"No. I can't."

"Of course you can, don't be daft."

"Pansy, do you realize how much have to apologize to him for? Not to talk about what I have to thank him for." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "And those things are still too hard to face just yet."

She gives him a calculating look. "I'm not saying you should do it all, not right now. But I think that an apology would be a thing that he appreciates since he is – _was_ a fair and noble Gryffindor."

"How can I apologize for a stupid insult if I don't apologize for trying to use an Unforgivable on him?"

"You did what?" Pansy's eyes grow big. "But Draco, that was during the war, that forces people to do thing they wouldn't do otherwise. Hopefully that would have fallen under the war pardon too."

There's a choking sound that could have been a bitter laughter. "Pansy, it wasn't during the war. Well, technically it was war, but I was still supposed to be on his side back then. Our fight wasn't a part of the war, it was more a schoolboy fight getting out of hand."

"And you attempted an Unforgivable? Even you couldn't be that stupid."

"I was in a very pressed situation, and I-" Draco stops, biting his lip hard.

"I'm happy to hear you only said 'trying'. How bad would it have been if you had succeed?"

"I have never wanted to kill him, never. I just..." Draco slumps against the wall and for a second he looks pained and incredibly vulnerable. "I was in so much pain and I just had to share it or I would explode. It doesn't make sense, does it?"

"Nope." She pauses. "Well, maybe a little, in some strange way. But using those spells doesn't make sense in the first place, not if it isn't very special circumstances. And here I was, believing that you were intelligent." She shoots him a questioning glance. "So, why did you never cast it?

"I started to say it, but he was faster, and his spell effectively stopped me from casting anything more."

"What did he cast on you? It takes a lot to keep Draco quiet." She smiles tentatively.

"You visited me at the hospital wing after that. Spring in sixth year."

"Oh, it was then." Pansy tilts her head. "But honestly Draco, you weren't that badly hurt, you were looking perfectly normal when I was there."

"That was because you weren't in the bathroom when it happened."

"Well, how bad could it be? It is Harry Potter we're talking about here. I know what the rumours said, I started a lot of them myself, but we all know that Potter couldn't really have hurt you seriously."

"That shows what you know." Draco's face is grim. "Snape told me that if he hadn't passed by at the right time... I probably wouldn't have survived."

There's a choking sound from Pansy. "Potter actually almost _killed_ you? He used the Dark Arts in an attempt to kill you? Is that why you want him to like you instead?"

"No. No, I just got what I deserved."

"You know what I think? I think it sounds like there's someone else here who needs to come with an apology. A big fat one. Or has he already apologized to you?" Pansy looks upset and slightly breathless.

"No, you got it wrong. He didn't attack me, he defended himself. He defended himself against an Unforgivable."

Pansy shakes her head. "He tried to kill you and it wasn't even an act of war. I didn't expect that from him, and it certainly doesn't make me less afraid of him."

"Afraid?" He stares at her with an amused flicker in his eyes. "Don't tell me you're afraid of Potter?"

"Well, if you've missed that he killed the Dark Lord, who by the way was ridiculously powerful, and I was the one stating in front of the whole school that I thought we should hand him over and let the Dark Lord win the war." Pansy glares at him. "I'm just waiting for him to come over and straighten things out, and I really don't want to be on the receiving end of _his_ wand."

"Relax. As long as you don't thoroughly piss him off he's a sickeningly good guy." Draco smiles at her.

"I don't want to think about what he can do now, if he could do that in sixth year." Pansy shivers.

"Let's not talk about that fight any more, shall we?" He looks suddenly unaffected and calm. "I'm sure we can find better things to talk about."

"Yes. Like when you're going to apologize to Potter." Pansy gives him a stern look.

"It won't happen, I've told you." Draco presses his lips together.

She sighs. "Don't be difficult, I'm trying to help here. I know Potter's kind, an apology will impress on him. And if you should have any chance to get him to like you it's good to start out from a place where he isn't pissed at you in the first time."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It _is_ easy. Just do it."

Draco looks away and stands up. "Let's go to class, we're going to be late."

oOo

Pansy and Draco is sitting in the common room that evening when she suddenly kicks his leg.

"What?" Draco frowns at her.

"Weasley just came down from your dormitory, and he and Potter went up together." She gives him a meaningful look.

"Yes? So?"

She sighs. "If they went up together and one came down it means that the other, in this case Potter, is still up there alone. Which is a wonderful opportunity if you want to talk to this someone about something, for example apologizing."

"Pansy..."

"Just go." Her look is so hard that even Draco flinches slightly. "Now."

Draco stands up and starts climbing the stairs to their dormitory, his inside screaming in panic. But Pansy is right, if he only can do this... he _can_ do this. Yes, he can. He takes a deep breath and opens the door, just to find Harry amiably talking to Blaise. Fuck. Should he just turn and leave? He feels both the boys' eyes on him. Oh, screw Blaise!

"Potter, can I talk to you?"

"You already are, I think." Harry looks at him with suspicion.

"I wanted to say-" And his throat constricts and stops the words from coming out. What words? What was he saying anyway? He finds himself staring into Harry's eyes, and it's a strange mixture of pleasure and panic. Harry slowly arcs an eyebrow in an unspoken question, and Draco opens his mouth, just to close it again.

"Malfoy, did you want to say something or not?" There's irritation in Harry's voice now. Shit.

Draco draws a deep breath. "I'm sorry for making fun of you at breakfast." He tears his eyes away from Harry's and stares at the wall.

Harry looks at him in total surprise. "Who _imperioed_ you?"

"I believe..." Blaise is laying on his back on his bed, propped up on his elbows. "...that what you were trying to say, Potter, was 'Thank you, Malfoy', or maybe 'No problem, Malfoy'."

"Never mind." Draco's words are just some more than a mumble. He turns and hastily leaves the room.

When he comes back to the common room Pansy are staring at him intently all the way back to the table.

"Well, what did he say?" Pansy leans toward him when he sits down.

Draco makes some circular patterns with his finger on the table. "Not much."

"He had to have said something?"

"Yeah." His face shows a hint of bitterness. "He wondered who had put me under the Imperius curse."

"That's all?" She looks at him in disbelief.

"After that Blaise started to talk about what Potter should have – "

"Blaise was there?"

He sighs, the bitterness more visible. "Yes, Blaise was there, and when he started lecturing Potter I thought it was time for me to go."

"But Draco, you should have..." Pansy trails off and looks at something over Draco's shoulder.

Draco turns around and finds an unreadable Harry standing just behind him.

"Malfoy." He runs a hand through his hair, looking quickly at Pansy and then back to Draco. "It's OK. Thanks. You probably didn't even knew what you said. But please don't make it to a habit." He turns, walks away and disappears up to the stairs to the dormitories.

Pansy looks at Draco and shrugs. "Well, it's a start."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

><p>"Harry, I can't take it any more!" Hermione is flushed and she waves her arms as she closes in on Harry, who sits in a chair in front of the fire in their common room.<p>

Harry looks at her in quiet questioning.

"I'll trade you. I'll take Malfoy, any day." She sinks down into the chair next to Harry.

"My guess would be that one of the girls in here is driving you mad. If you're so desperate that you're prepared to take Malfoy, I'd say it's a dire situation."

"Yes. It is. Please come and visit me in Azkaban after I have killed her." Hermione's breathing is slowly returning to a normal pace.

Harry sighs. "Let's start at the beginning. Who is driving you spare?"

"Parkinson of course. She's an absolute horror that one. I was only telling them that Ron will be sleeping in my bed tonight – it is Friday after all – and she started to bicker at once, saying that it was a girls' dormitory, and she liked it to be just that. So I got angry and told her that just because no guy will ever want her except the Death Eater loser, she shouldn't make a fuss over those of us who actually have nice guys. Then she got all angry too and started to say things like that Malfoy isn't a Death Eater, that he is a nice guy, and that she still is an attractive girl, and then she finished off with saying _"...and if you haven't figured out by now why Draco and I aren't a couple you're a good deal stupider than you'd like people to know."_. Can you believe that she dares?"

"Um." Harry blinks and tries to figure out what answer is right here. "No?"

"No, exactly. And it's always the same. She always has something to say about everything, and now she calls me 'Little Miss Perfect' as soon as I tell her off for something. And there's always something to tell her off about, because that girl is so bloody annoying! And I bet she does it just to wind me up."

"Oh. I see." Harry squirms in his chair. Upset girls isn't his speciality.

"Anyway, since I was pretty pissed by then I told her to keep her big mouth shut since she's nothing more than Slytherin trash, and can you imagine what she did then? She smiled. A sweet smile with fluttering eyelashes, and then she asked me if I'd like to repeat that in front of McGonagall." Hermione throws her hands in the air. "You see. You understand how horrid she is?"

"I'm sorry for you, having to live with one of the ex-Slytherins when they behave like that. I must say that I'm surprised, but the most of the time Malfoy is almost not annoying at all."

"Lucky you. Maybe he's afraid you're going to challenge him on a duel if he misbehave." Hermione rolls her eyes. "But I must admit, that Greengrass girl is surprisingly pleasant. Never makes a fuss and is calm and polite. If only Parkinson hadn't been there." She groans and leans back in her chair. Then she sits up again. "Oh, yeah. Do you know what she said the other day?"

"No."

"I was saying something to Hannah about Malfoy, and of course she jumps in uninvited, saying that I should try to accept some of the eighth-year spirit and get to know the others instead of talking about them behind their backs. So I assured her that I had no intention of befriending Malfoy, I know his kind, thank you very much. But she went on about how people are different when you get to know them, and that things aren't only black or white. As if I didn't know that. And then, this is the worst part, she starts ranting about how Malfoy has a hard life, and it was so pathetic so I couldn't help but laugh. What does she do then? She says that she hopes that the war has damaged me and that I wasn't always this bad, and that I should buy some more empathy next time I go shopping, because the amount I have now fits on a finger nail." Hermione sighs. "She can be so bloody mean when she likes to."

"You don't think you should talk with McGonagall about it? I mean, you can't live like that." Harry moves in his chair with a worried expression. In the back of his head there's a tiny voice that says that maybe these rows aren't solely Parkinson's fault. But Hermione is his friend, and he's going to support her if she needs him.

"I don't think it would be any use. She would only tell us to act like grown ups and solve our problems."

"You're probably right." Harry scratches his neck. "I can ask Blaise to talk with her if you'd like?"

"Yes, that would be nice. I don't know if it will work, but I'm prepared to try anything right now." Hermione sighs.

Harry looks at her with a thoughtful face. _Except being nice to her I guess._ But he knows he shouldn't talk, he hasn't really gone out of his way to be nice to Malfoy, even though he has been surprisingly quiet and avoided any potential conflict. He frowns. But if Malfoy wants to be treated like another person than the one he was before, he has to prove himself, that's just the way it works. Then he sees Hermione reach for her books, and sensing an incoming study session he jumps up.

"Um, I think I'm going to read that text for Transfiguration. The dormitory should be empty now, so it will be silent." He waves at her and heads toward the stairs. As he walks up the stairs he feels a little guilty for lying to Hermione, but he really isn't in the mood for studying right now. He just wants to relax for once. He stretches as he walks over to his bed, then lies down on his back, arms under his head. He is just enjoying the silence and the feeling of being alone when Draco enters the room. He gives Harry an odd glance, nods in his direction and moves over to his bed. After a while it becomes obvious that he's looking for something, and Harry looks at Draco as he moves around the room. He must admit that it is interesting, in some ways, to share room with Malfoy. It's a bit like having a panther there, something strange and potentially dangerous and fascinating to watch. Something you can't really understand. Potentially dangerous... He looks distractedly as Draco finds the book he was looking for, lays down on his stomach on the bed and starts reading. _"Then she got all angry too and started to say things like that Malfoy isn't a Death Eater..."_ He has to admit that it's a question he has given a lot and even more time thinking about. It's over two years since he first suspected it, and he has never really stopped wondering. The question is, will the panther bite if he pokes it? Pokes it pretty hard actually. Mentally shrugging he decides that he'll always be a Gryffindor and that it's only one way to find out. He stands up and walks over to Draco's bed. He can see how Draco stiffens up when he gets close. When he reaches the edge of the bed he stops.

"Malfoy?"

Closing his book, Draco slowly turns around and looks at him. "Yes."

"I was wondering if you could do something for me." There is the softest of nervous tremors in his voice.

Draco looks wary and his eyes narrow, but he sits up in front of Harry. "What?"

Harry takes a deep breath and pushes away the tingle of worry. Here goes. "I'd like you to show your left forearm to me."

First nothing what so ever happens, Draco is sitting as still as if he turned to stone, and Harry thinks that he is going to refuse. But after a couple of seconds he comes to life again, and a shaking hand starts to tug at the buttons at his sleeve with such force that he almost rips them off instead of unbuttoning them. When he gets it open he shoves it up the arm and holds out his forearm to Harry. It's clean and smooth, and there is a screaming absence of any Dark Mark. Harry stares at the arm for a moment, then he looks up and meets Draco's eyes.

"You never took it."

"No." Draco swallows.

"I see. I was wrong." He looks back at the arm, reaches out a hand and lets a finger trace Draco's arm. "Soft."

There's a sharp intake of breath from Draco and Harry yanks his hand back. He looks up and meets Draco's eyes again. For some seconds they just look at each other, then Harry opens his mouth to say something, but after a short silence he closes it again. He feels how the moment stretches out and turns surreal. Potter and Malfoy, Hogwarts' most burning enemies, are standing an arm length from each other, perfectly calm and polite. No hexes, no punches and no insults. Maybe they really have grown up a bit? He was about to say that they are both relaxed, but when he lets go of Draco's eyes he realizes that the other boy is completely motionless, his arm still held out and his eyes big. A thought dawns on him.

"This was very important to you."

Draco nods.

"Is it because you wanted to tell someone or because it's me?" Harry's eyes narrows.

"Because it's you. I've wanted to tell you for so long." Draco almost trips over his own words in the last sentence.

The narrow eyes are still there, but now they are accompanied by a suspicious expression. "And who am I? Which of the many Harry Potters was it you wanted to tell?"

Draco's face opens up and becomes very honest. "Just Harry."

Obviously surprised Harry blinks a couple of times, and is about to say something when Blaise enters. He looks at them and takes a step back.

"Did I interrupt something? I can come back later."

Harry swirls on the spot and heads for his bed. "No, no problem. We were done." He sits down on his bed, only to stand up again and walking for the door, mumbling something about 'finding Hermione', and then he's out of sight.

oOo

Draco pulls down his sleeve again and buttons it. He plays it again in his head: they had a real conversation. Without shouting and insulting each other. And now Harry knows, now he can't doubt it. He knows that Draco isn't a Death Eater. And he was the one coming to Draco, he came and asked as if Draco was anyone, a normal person. And then-

"Hey, what was that about?" Blaise is talking to him, and right now he just want Blaise to go and leave him with his thoughts.

"I just showed him that I haven't got the Mark." Draco talks down at his feet.

"He didn't know that?" Blaise looks surprised.

"No." Draco pokes one shoe with the other. "He was sure that I had it."

Blaise shrugs. "Being the one he is you thought he should know his Death Eaters."

"Maybe it was easier for him to fight those who tried to kill him instead of stopping people on the street, asking for the Mark." The sarcasm is unmistakable.

"Well, hello old-time Draco, I've almost missed you." Blaise grins at him. "Honestly, I was a bit worried about sharing dormitory with him, being the one he is. I thought that maybe he would be so full of himself that we wouldn't get room to breathe, or that he would be broken by the war and so depressed that it became a pain to live here, or that he would have turned into some kind of saint and everything just getting awkward and embarrassing."

"I've heard that it's good to breath every now and then too." Draco send him a cold glance.

"You're in good shape today. Anyway, what I was coming to is that he turned out to be a perfectly normal guy, even a nice one. You sure can't tell that he's the Saviour of the way he behave, he's just like anyone else." He flops down on his bed. "So, tell me. What did Harry do to piss you off that much?"

Draco gives him a disdainful look. "It hasn't crossed your tiny mind that it wasn't – hang on. Did you just call him Harry?"

"Yeah. We've been spending some time together, and we thought that since we will live together for a year it's just stupid to keep on using last names."

A silent stare is all the response from Draco.

"I must say that I'm glad we got placed in the same room as him, I look forward to getting to know him." Blaise looks expectant.

"Honestly Blaise, I don't want to talk to you right now." Draco turns with as much dignity as he can find, but when he lies down on the bed, his back towards Blaise, he can hear a muffled laugh from him. Trying to ignore it Draco wishes it was late enough for him to just undress and go to bed, but he has to make do with laying on the bed instead. He works on closing out Blaise and focus on Harry. On his eyes and the never ending eye contact. On his voice. And... was it real? Did Harry actually touch him? A small smile appears on Draco's lips. Yes, he did. Draco has no idea why, but he feels the finger moving over his skin again. And then he is saying 'Soft', and what is that supposed to mean? Except that he probably thought Draco's skin was soft, why did he say it? The thoughts move over and over in Draco's head until they begin to slur; the tension leaves his body, and he falls asleep.

* * *

><p>"...and then she was saying that she always liked the green one best anyway." Blaise makes a resigned gesture with his arms.<p>

Harry laughs. "Italian girls are not always that sharp it seems. They can't all have been that bad?" He sits down at the table for lunch.

"Well, I'm sorry to say that those I met where divided in two types. One kind was like her with the green scarf, pretty girls but with the brain of a chicken." Blaise helps himself to some pie. "The other kind was funny girls, clever and entertaining, but with looks that makes you think dating McGonagall sounds like a good idea."

"You're obviously a bit picky." Harry grins at him.

"Of course I am. I'm not dating just anyone, I want the real deal or nothing at all."

"Hopefully you'll have better luck here, I'd say Hogwarts have a lot of girls who fit both criteria."

Blaise looks at him in feigned resignation. "But all the good ones are already taken. We can't all be as lucky as you."

"True." Harry's smile becomes slightly forced, and when he looks over at the Gryffindor table it falters.

With a small frown Blaise is watching him before smoothly changing subject. "You know, Gryffindor will be crushed in Quidditch this year."

"What? Why do you think that?" Harry looks surprised.

"It's no secret what Gryffindor's not-so-secret weapon has been for the last seven years." Blaise smirks.

Harry lifts a very confused eyebrow.

"Come on. Haven't it dawned on you yet that you can't play for them this year?"

"Oh. No, I didn't think of that." He looks a bit dejected. "You're right of course. I guess that means no Quidditch for me this year."

Blaise thoughtfully chews on his pie. "You know, you could ask McGonagall if you can start Quidditch practice just for fun. For all the people who didn't make it to the teams, and those who like to fly but don't like the massive regular training or the competition of the tournament."

"You know..." Harry tilts his head. "That's not a totally bad idea. But do you think anyone will come?"

There's an amused snort from Blaise. "Honestly, Harry. There will be people who can't even sit on a broom there if you're the one leading it."

Harry gives Blaise a dark look.

"Oh, don't be like that, that's not what I meant. You might be oblivious to it, but it's a fact that you've been a Quidditch star in this school since your first year."

"I... I never..." Harry squirms a bit and looks down at his plate.

Blaise looks at him in amusement. "If you react like that when we talk about catching a stupid ball, what do you do when people congratulate you for having slain You-Know-Who?"

Harry's head jerks up, embarrassment gone and irritation burning in his eyes. "Well, since I can't tell them to fuck off I just have to make do with a stupid smile and a burning wish that the shit will be over soon."

"I... see..." Blaise looks at Harry with big eyes. "That's not a really good subject for you, is it?"

"Do you want my memories? My experiences?"

"I'm pretty sure that I don't." He gives Harry a thoughtful look. "With that response I'm surprised that you didn't just rip Draco's head off at the start of term. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you didn't, I like Draco."

Harry visibly forces a calm expression onto his face. "No, I've already killed enough in this hall." He lifts his goblet with a nonchalant shrug but a slightly shaking hand.

"Oh yeah." Blaise looks around as if it was the first time he had seen it. "It was here it actually happened."

"Thank you for the reminder, I had almost forgot." The sarcasm in Harry's words is almost painful.

"It's almost surreal, don't you think?"

"And I didn't rip Malfoy's head off since, contrary to many people's belief, I don't hate him. He's a bloody nuisance, and sometimes I just want to... I don't know. Something. But I don't hate him any more, and I don't think I have done in a pretty long time."

Blaise lifts Harry's goblet and sniffs it's contents. "Are you sure you're not drunk? I never thought I would hear you say that." He puts the goblet down and turns to Harry with a questioning frown. "But why do you still give him the silent treatment then? You almost live on the top of each other, and you never talk."

"He has something I want. And until he proves himself with that I'm not going to make any attempts at getting closer to him."

"Draco thinks that you hate him, you know. I mean really hate him." Blaise frowns. "I'm sure it would mean very much to him to know that's not the case."

"Well then you better not tell him. I want to do it myself." Harry looks stern.

"You will? When?"

"When he gives me what I need." There's a stubborn look on Harry's face. "Not before then."

"Um, Harry? Does Draco know what it is you want from him?"

"He'd better."

Blaise groans. "Harry, this is stupid. Eat that damn pie and then we're out of here so we can talk about this properly." Seeing Harry's look he continues. "And what you say will stay with me."

After hastily gulping down the last of the food, they leave the hall and walk outside, heading for the Quidditch pitch. They climb up the stands and sit down.

"Now, what is it that Draco has that you want so badly?" Blaise gives Harry a searching look.

"A thank you." Harry looks out over the pitch.

"You just want him to thank you? For what?"

"I imagine it's not that easy, or he should have done it ages ago. For one, he has to admit to himself that there is something to thank for. I don't know if he has done that. I don't know how arrogant he actually is."

"But what is it about? Is it about... the thing you did?" Blaise seems to choose his words carefully.

"It's about _a_ thing I did, but not about that. I don't walk around demanding personal praise for being who I am." He turns his head and looks at Blaise. "I thought you should have figured that out by now."

Blaise sighs. "Damn it, just tell me what it is."

"No."

"Why not?" He seems surprised.

"Because I have a feeling that it's Malfoy's story to tell, not mine."

"Well, how about this – you go and find Draco and tell him what you want from him, giving him a chance to know what the game is?"

"No. He will come to me or nothing at all."

"You're a stubborn fucker, do you know that?"

"It has been said." Harry looks out over the pitch again.

Blaise puts his elbows on his knees and rests his head in his hands. "You would make his life a lot better, doesn't that mean something?"

Harry glances at him. "He spent five years of his life trying to make my life hell, and two years as one of the lot who tried to kill me. I find it hard to motivate myself to do something to make his life a little better."

"It would show you as a greater man if you took the first step anyway."

"Killing Voldemort doesn't make me a saint." Harry draws a pattern with his finger on his knee. "And with the amount of hate he has for me I'm surprised he even cares."

Blaise looks at him in disbelief. "You think he hates you?"

"Of course, he always has." Harry shrugs.

"And exactly how many death glares have you had lately? How many snide comments? How much taunting?" Blaise looks at him and shakes his head. "And even I can see that there is no hate in the looks he gives you now."

Harry frowns, then tilts his head. "You know... I've never seen it that way. And if I look at it that way..." The frown deepens and he stares unseeingly straight ahead. After a while he looks back to Blaise. "But he's still the single most annoying person in the world. He winds me up just by being in the same room."

"I know. You've shared room with him for two weeks, wait until you've lived with him for six years." Blaise grins. "And I assure you that he's been a paragon compared to what we had to endure in the dungeons." He looks at Harry. "That might be the only good thing about how you force him to tip-toe around you."

"I don't force him to do anything at all." Harry glares at Blaise.

"Don't be stupid, a child would see how afraid he is to upset you after the first day. He barely talks any more when you are present, and I assure you that he isn't a silent person usually. Ask Weasley, Draco even talks with _him_ when you're not there." He glares back at Harry. "And you should be damn proud of the apology you got. For you it might be the obvious thing to do, but Draco really doesn't do apologies."

Harry looks sulky. "Your point being?"

"That he actually tries. He doesn't try to make your world all sunshine, but at least he tries not to annoy you. If nothing else, acknowledge that."

"I don't care. I'm not going to move a finger until he gives me what I want."

Blaise just stares at him in disbelief, but soon his lips start to twitch, just to evolve into a laugh.

"What?" Harry glares at him. "What's so funny?"

"You just get some perspective on life when you're sitting next to the man who saved the world, and he's sulking like an obstinate three years old."

"Just shut it."

They sit in silence for a moment, but then Blaise talks again. "Who do you think will replace you on the team?"

"Ginny, I suppose. She has played Seeker before and is good at it." Harry thinks for a bit. "They will need to find a lot of new players, almost half of the team is gone. And that's if everyone who was on the team two years ago and is still here is interested in playing. I wonder if Ron has realized that he can't play."

"But I guess your girlfriend will have some expert training." Blaise winks at him. "If you can keep the focus on the snitch, that is."

"Oh. Yeah, maybe. But she's really good already." Harry looks intently at something in the stands on the opposite side. "And she'll have a lot of training with the team anyway."

Blaise smiles a small smile to himself. "What do you say about getting back to the castle? I'd like to be there before the class starts."

"Yeah." Harry looks back at Blaise and sighs. "It sounds like a good idea."

* * *

><p>Blaise walks in the second of the eighth-year boys' dormitories and sinks down on his bed, watching a relaxed Harry who's lying on his bed, humming to himself and flipping through the pages of a book.<p>

"It's Saturday you know, don't you have anything better to do?" Blaise tilts his head.

Harry looks up. "Um, no? It's nice here."

"Usually people spends their free time with their friends. Or their girlfriends." He pauses. "Honestly, why aren't you with your girlfriend? From what I've seen of her I would have thought she'd love to spend the whole day with you."

"She wanted to, but I had to study." Harry turns a page.

Blaise looks amused. "Harry, that's Quidditch Through the Ages, and by the look of the pages you have memorised the whole book by now. What terrible plans did she have to make you end up here?"

Sighing, Harry scratches a stain in the book. "She hinted that she would have seventh-years girls' dormitory to herself all afternoon."

"What?" There is an incredulous expression on his face. "You get offered the possibility to fuck your girlfriend, and you'd rather lie here alone, reading a book about sports for the umpteenth time?"

"Just shut up." Harry sends him a murderous glare.

"No, honestly Harry, I don't get this. You _don't_ want to spend time alone with your girlfriend?"

Harry sighs and hides his face in his pillow.

Blaise walks over to him and pokes him in the shoulder. "Hey." He takes a step back and sits down on Ron's bed. "Something's not right here, and sometimes it's good to say it out loud."

"It's just..." Harry flops back on his back. "Ginny keeps demanding a lot of... relationship stuff. Things that I don't feel comfortable with, and she can't accept that. And I don't want to have another argument with her about it, so I'm solving it this way instead. It works fine."

"Who would have guessed." Blaise stares at him. "You're like this epitome of the perfect couple, but I suppose that appearances can be misleading. But you are in love with her?"

"Of course I am. She's a wonderful girl, funny, clever and someone I know I can always trust."

"Hm. And your best friend is her brother. Have you met the rest of her family too? What do they say?"

"Oh, the Weasleys more or less adopted me when I was a kid, I even celebrated Christmas with them some years. And they are all very positive and accepting, even Ron." Harry nods.

Blaise smirks. "Seems like someone has his future already planned and in place. When are you going to get married?" He grins.

Harry looks uneasy and picks up his book again. "I don't know."

"I bet that's what mother Weasley says to you all the time too."

"You lose your bet." Harry hides his face in his hands and rubs it vigorously. "She's already decided that it will be this summer, after school is over. She keep saying things like how wonderful summer weddings are, and that she has to remember to ask Aunt Muriel for the tiara in time and stuff like that."

"I can't say that you look thrilled by the thought. And hey, no pressure from the family I can hear." He rolls his eyes.

"I wish people would leave me alone. Sometimes it feels like every wizard in the country wants a part of my life." He glances at Blaise. "You look very pensive. What are you thinking?"

Blaise hesitates. "OK, but remember that you asked, don't bite my head off. You are like two persons in one, the normal Harry who I go to class with and talks to and so on, and then there's the Saviour. And you'd think that the Saviour part of you should be some glorious, happy and powerful person, but the few times when the Saviour surfaces it is mostly a very troubled one." He tilts his head. "That is, I would never duel the Saviour, however sad or troubled he is. I have some self-preservation."

"I'm going to tell you a secret." Harry sits up and leans toward Blaise. "There is no Saviour."

"What?" Blaise looks puzzled.

"There's just Harry. No one else. The one who met Voldemort on a table downstairs wasn't a powerful hero, it was just Harry. I've always been just Harry, but people insist on making up great titles and they expect a hero, a Saviour. I'm not that, I'm just Harry."

Blaise stares at him. "You really do believe that?"

"Yes?" Harry frowns.

"If just a tenth of what I have heard about the war is true... You put your life on the line and gave up everything you had to find a way to save us all. And you did it. Your decisions, your actions saved us. Of course you are a hero. Live with it."

"But I don't want to be a hero. I don't feel like a hero."

Blaise shrugs. "I'm sorry, but that's nothing to do with it. That's the kind of thing that comes with saving the world."

Harry groans and lies down on the bed. "First Ginny and now you. This day hates me."

There's a laugh from Blaise. "First a beautiful girl offers you serious 'relationship stuff', and then you get praise for your actions. I doubt very much that anyone would pity you."

"Say the word praise again and you will find out exactly how good I am at hexing."

Blaise gives him a calculating look. "I know what you need. Just don't talk too much about it." He picks up his wand and walks away, coming back a while later with two cups. "Here." He offers Harry a cup that is still striped and looking almost soft. "Sorry, I'm not a star at transfiguration."

Harry looks curiously at the cup. "And exactly what am I supposed to do with it?"

"You'll see." Blaise grins and starts rummaging through his trunk. "My uncle sent me this as an 'encouragement to my studies'. Don't ask me how he got that one to make sense, but I don't complain." He returns with a bottle of Firewhiskey and pours a generous amount first into Harry's cup and then his own.

"Thank you. That wasn't exactly what I expected to find in the dormitories." There's a surprised expression on Harry's face.

Blaise rolls his eyes. "You're in a dormitory filled with wizards who are of age, what world do you live in?"

"Sometimes I ask myself the same thing."

"Well, now I suggest you just enjoy it for a while." He lifts his cup. "To persistent girlfriends and the downside of fame."

Harry can't help giving a helpless laugh, as he raises his glass too.

* * *

><p>Blaise and Draco sits in the library, working at their essays. Draco's is due Wednesday, Blaise's is due Monday. They work in silence and both are making good progress when someone stops in front of their desk. Draco's stomach flips when he realizes that it is Harry. He gives Draco a polite nod and turns to Blaise.<p>

"Can I borrow your Charms book? Ron borrowed mine, and then he went away somewhere with Hermione, with my book in his bag." Harry looks tired and irritated. Draco keeps his head down but he can't help shooting glances up every now and then.

"Of course. I'm done with it for today in case you should find an urge to run off with it." Blaise grins at him.

Harry rolls his eyes. "I'll keep that in mind. Thank you." He waves with the book, shoots a cold glance at Draco and walks out. Draco follows him with his eyes until he's out of sight.

"Draco, you need to talk to him." Blaise speaks in the subdued voice you use at a library.

"Does he looks like he wants to talk to me?" Draco's face is hard.

"You have to." Blaise frowns frustrate. "If you don't take the first step you will dance around each other like this for ages."

"I'm not the one who's in charge of the hating here. Go talk to him instead." He looks at Blaise and understands, his face turns disappointed and partly hurt. "You already did. And he doesn't want to talk to me more than he wants dragon pox."

"No, it's not like that." Blaise rubs his chin. "You two need to talk. You need to talk to him."

Draco snorts. "And what should we talk about? The Quidditch results?"

Blaise groans, looks at the floor, mutters something and then turns back to Draco, looking a bit uneasy. "You're supposed to know."

"What does that mean?" Draco sits perfectly still.

"I can't tell you." He looks frustrated.

"You're kidding me, right?" Draco is slowly starting to move again. "This is some fucking game for him. He actually takes his time to send you with stupid riddles for me to make my life even more miserable. How can one person hate so much?" He looks away from Blaise and swallows repeatedly.

"No, Draco, it's not like that. Not at all." Blaise sounds pained. "Look here, he's just a stubborn son of a bitch who has got a stupid thing stuck in his head, and I'm not supposed to tell you a word about it, but honestly, I've known you for seven years and..." He trails off when Draco turns at him.

"If this isn't about making my life shit, why is he playing this game?"

"I think it's about him being a bloody Gryffindor. Righteousness, fairness and probably some courage."

"Just tell me. What is it I'm supposed to know?" Draco looks focused and determined.

Blaise sighs and looks very pained and torn. "I... I'm not supposed to tell you, I promised not to say anything..." He takes a deep breath. "It's something he's done. He wouldn't tell me what it was he did, because that was your story to tell."

Draco gets pale. "He wants to talk about that?"

"Um. Kind of. Yes and no. I really can't say more now, I've already said too much."

"I... I don't know if I can do that."

"Since it's your story to tell, do you want to tell me what he did?" Blaise looks curious.

"He... he did something for me." The nightmare comes back in full power, and noticing his hands start to shake he hides them under the table. A look at Blaise tells him that it was in vain, he had already seen it.

"Then I think it's obvious what you have to do." Blaise gives him a meaningful stare, and then he stands up. "And I'm out of here before I prove even more what a shitty friend I am." He starts collecting his books and pack it in his bag.

"Thank you." Draco watches his quill spinning in his hand. "It means a lot what you told me, and even more that you did it."

Braise makes an affirmative sound, nods and heads for the door. Halfway there he stops and turns around, walking up to Draco and takes his arm. "Draco, go and talk to him. You have faced You-Know-Who, and this is supposed to be the good guy. You can do it. Just sit down and _think_ for a minute and you'll understand what it is he wants you to do." Blaise closes his eyes. "Out of here. Yes." He releases Draco and turns, hurrying out from the library.

Draco waits until Blaise is out of sight, then he lets his head fall down on the desk. Harry wants to talk about the fire. Of course he knew that he would probably have to talk about it some time, things like that don't just go away, but the thought of having to face his dreams with Harry actually standing in front of him... He's not sure if he'll flee, cry or just throw his arms around Harry and never let him go. The consequences of each of these makes all three alternatives seem highly unattractive. But what was it Blaise said about Harry being a Gryffindor? Courage? Does Harry know how hard this is for him, and he's supposed to prove his courage by talking about it anyway? Draco wants to cry. Everyone knows that he's a coward. _"Just sit down and think for a minute and you'll understand what it is he wants you to do."_ Does he want something more than talking about the fire? What could be worse? He plays with the idea of telling Harry _exactly_ what happened in that room. What Draco did there, what his motivations and decisions were. Yeah, that would go brilliantly. Walking up to the very straight Saviour, who by the way is in a serious relationship, and saying 'Hi, thanks for saving my life, and by the way I am head over heels in love with you.' No, a punch in the face would be the best outcome of that. And Draco still doesn't want to talk about the fire, he can't see why they have to do that, it's not as if – wait a minute. What did he just say? _"Hi, thanks for saving my life, and by the way I am head over heels in love with you." _Suddenly Blaise's hints hits home. Slow and silent Draco talks under his breath.

"He wants me to thank him."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

* * *

><p>"So Harry, what did she threaten you with this time? Kisses in the Gryffindor common room?" Blaise walks over to his bed and flops down on it. "Since it's another girlfriend free Saturday I see."<p>

"Shut up. And actually no." Harry glares at Blaise but puts down his book. "I told her that I was falling behind in Charms, and that I had to read up on it. She offered to quiz me on it later, and I will meet her before dinner to do that. So no, it's not another girlfriend free Saturday."

"I'm sorry, but I don't know if forced study sessions count." Blaise looks at the Charms book Harry left on his pillow. "But I see that you're at least partly truthful this time."

"You don't understand this." He looks irritated.

Blaise shakes his head. "No, I honestly don't. You have a very beautiful girlfriend, who is clever and funny, and you _don't_ want to spend time with her if you can choose. I don't understand that."

"It's more complicated than that." Harry pokes his pillow. "I like Ginny, I really do, and I love to spend time with her. We have lots of fun together. But sometimes, usually when it's just the two of us, she gets so... clingy. I'd like to do stuff with her if we actually do something, not just sitting on a sofa all day."

"In other words, when she wants to kiss you, you start to run. What's wrong with kisses?"

Harry looks uncomfortable and flips the pages of his book back and forth. "There's nothing wrong with kisses."

"Yeah, really? I'm talking about kissing your girlfriend, and you look like I'm talking about a remaining Death Eater on the run. No, scratch that. If we talked about a Death Eater I'm sure there would be some fire in your eyes, there's an obvious absence of that right now."

"So, maybe kisses aren't that fun, but they've never been a big deal for me, I don't know why we're talking about this." Harry looks uneasy and scratches an invisible stain on his knee.

"We can call it curiosity if it makes you feel better." Blaise observes him for a moment. "Harry, why don't you want to have sex with your girlfriend?"

Harry stares at him in disbelief. "You... That's really none of your business."

"I know, I'm a nosy one. Why?"

"You're unbelievable." Harry sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "It's just... I'm just not comfortable with it, OK?"

Blaise smiles a half amused, half sad smile. "You're not really comfortable with 'relationship stuff'."

"So what? It's not your problem, is it?" Harry glares at him, but looks a bit pained.

"No, it's not. But it is your problem, and you're obviously too scared of it to do anything about it yourself. That's why you have me." Blaise nods.

"To make my life even more miserable?"

"That's not the way I would phrase it, but if it makes you happy to see it that way, please do." He sends a big grin to Harry.

Harry throws his pillow at him, just to get it returned in full force. Scowling he puts the pillow down. "Blaise, can we drop this now?"

"Nope. We have some more admissions before we're done."

There's a groan from Harry. "I'm going to go to McGonagall and complain to her for putting us in the same room. I can't even tell you to get out of here."

"So, Harry, let's get to the big question then. Are you really in love with the Weasley girl?" Blaise tilts his head and looks at him with an expectant expression.

"Of course! I've told you before, I do love Ginny, I know I do." Harry frowns.

"Yes, you've told me that you love her." Blaise smiles an odd smile. "But are you in love with her?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that there are probably more people you love. Your family, maybe Ron and Hermione. I suppose you don't want to have sex with them either."

A dark shadow runs over Harry's face. "Let's leave my family out of this, shall we?" He scratches at the invisible stain with force and sighs. "Yeah, I guess you're right, I love them too. I've never thought about it that way."

"I take it girl Weasley is a very good friend of yours?"

"Yes she is. She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic person, and I guess I could spend my life with her." Harry smiles tentatively.

Blaise looks a bit taken aback. "So... you're still going to marry someone you're not in love with?"

"I never said that I'm not in love with her. And... I mean, I know that I do love her, what's the difference?" The frown is back on Harry's face, but this time a bit worried.

"Oh Harry." Blaise laughs. "Have you never been in love?"

"Of course I have." He thinks. "I think..."

"You think?"

"Well, if, for sake of the discussion, I haven't been, how would I know? I wouldn't know what to look for."

"The person is always on your mind, you can't stop thinking about them. You wonder where they are, what they're doing all day. Everything is different when they are close to you, everything feels different. Every word, every glance they give you makes you feel things you can't describe. You want to be close to them, touch them." Blaise smiles. "And when they kiss you you just want to have more, to be closer, for it to never end."

"That sounds tiring. No, Ginny and I have a nice relationship. End of story."

"Don't fool yourself. Let's look at a probable scenario. You marry your school sweetheart, just as everyone expects of you, pretending that it's enough for you. And then the person comes around who you fall in love with. What are you going to do? Cheat on your wife? Get a divorce? What if you have kids, would you still leave your wife? If I can be perfectly honest, with the amount of lying you already do to her, I would go for the cheating alternative."

Harry stares at him, blinking a couple of times. "You think I would cheat on my wife?"

"Well, what do you think you'll do? Once you've married you're stuck, and your love will come sooner or later, I guarantee."

"I'm not so sure of that..." Suddenly Harry looks very dejected.

"What do you mean? Why shouldn't it?" Blaise frowns.

Harry looks far older than his eighteen years. "Blaise, most of my life has been about love, being loved and my ability to feel love. But I have also been connected to Voldemort since I was one year old, maybe I just can't fall in love. And then I just have to take the next best."

Blaise shakes his head. "No, I'm sure that you can fall in love, it's possible that you just don't allow yourself."

"Why wouldn't I allow myself to fall in love?"

"Well, if you're so insistent on following what everyone else tells you, and on living with the girl they have picked for you, maybe you're too scared to see what alternatives you have."

"That's just – "

"Just think about it, OK? Because I have something else for you to explain to me." Blaise pauses. "If you get married, what are you going to do with your discomfort with 'relationship stuff'? I'm pretty sure the girl Weasley expects children from a marriage, and I'm sure you know how that works."

Harry frowns. "I just have to learn in some way. It will solve itself in some way when I get there."

Blaise rolls his eyes. "I could say something here questioning the Saviour's ability to plan ahead, but since I'm not interested in a black eye I'll keep my mouth shut."

"Oh, just shut up." Harry glares at him.

"Aaand we're getting to the end." Blaise smiles sweetly. "Harry, honestly, do you think it's a good idea to build a relationship on lies? Does it sound good to you?"

"I told you to shut it." Harry looks angry, and is flipping through his book. "And I don't know what makes you think it would be built on lies."

"Mhm, first big issue. Are you going to tell her that you're not in love with her?" Blaise wears a little sad smile.

"That wouldn't work very well if I'm supposed to marry her." Harry sighs with a grim expression.

"That's kind of my point. Issue two. Are you going to tell her the truth about you problems with 'relationship stuff', instead of lying to her all the time to get away?"

"I told you that it's just a question of me getting used to it. I'm sure it will work out, and then I won't have to lie any more." Now the grim expression is replaces by a worried, unsure one.

Blaise's face turns uncharacteristically soft. "And Harry, when are you going to stop lying to yourself?"

"To myself?" Harry looks surprised. "About what?"

"Harry, you can't evade love. And you can't evade who you are." Blaise stands up. "I think Weasley wanted me to save him from Granger's books, he said something about chess." He gives Harry a long, significant look. "If I were you I would take some time to think about what we talked about. Believe it or not, it's more important than Charms."

* * *

><p>Draco and Pansy are sitting in the Great Hall at the dinner table, both distracted by their own thoughts. Draco is discretely trying to observe Harry without being obvious when an elbow catches him in the ribs.<p>

"What?" He looks accusingly at Pansy.

"I was thinking that since we got all our homework done before dinner today, maybe it's later now."

Draco stares at her. "You've totally lost me."

"You said that you would tell me later, and it's an awfully long time since you said that. And we won't have any classes now, we can sit all night if you'd like."

"Oh. I see." Draco pokes his food. "Maybe it is." He shoots another hidden glance at Harry.

"I suppose you don't want to sit in the common room."

"No, I don't think so. I'd like for us to be alone, I really don't want anyone else to hear it."

Pansy plays with her goblet. "We can always go to the Astronomy Tower?"

"Yeah, with all the other lovebirds." Draco snorts.

"Don't be stupid. If we go there directly after dinner we will be there first, and then the others can sod off. No one in this school wants to make out in front of the almost Death Eater and his almost girlfriend."

A smile tugs on the corner of Draco's mouth."Almost girlfriend?"

"I'm sorry, but it's that damn Yule Ball, you shouldn't have gone with me. For some reason that has people thinking we were dating, and since we are still spending time together..."

"Pansy, that was half a lifetime ago. Well, almost. We were what, fourteen?" Draco looks at her in amused disbelief.

"I know. But people are stupid. And we have always those like Granger who thinks neither you nor I can get anyone else, and have to make do with each other."

Draco smirks. "I'm sorry Pansy, but you're not really my type. I guess you're just too much woman for me."

"Honestly Draco, shouldn't people know by now? It's not as if you have kept it a strict secret." She grins. "But it is highly amusing that Little Miss Know-It-All doesn't have a clue though."

"All I care about – " Draco falls silent.

"Yes? What?" Pansy looks impatiently at him.

"Later."

oOo

The Astronomy Tower is as uncomfortable as always. It doesn't matter how many times Draco enters, he still sees Dumbledore's body tumble over the battlements, hearing his patient voice before that when he offered Draco his deepest desires on a plate. And then Snape entered, and his salvation crumbled to sand.

"Stop thinking, you're getting wrinkles in your pretty skin." Pansy tugs his arm. "Let's sit over here."

Draco follows her and sits down next to her with his back against the battlements. "So, are you ready for the complicated story now?"

"Of course."

"Well." Draco pauses. "I'm not sure how to... I guess it starts at the same place as last time. I really, really want Harry to like me." Draco rubs his face.

"Oh." Pansy has an almost dazed expression. "I've been so stupid. Draco, you're in love with him."

Draco blinks. "How... how did you know?"

"Because I know you. Why would it be so important to get him to like you? Why would you react so strongly as soon as he comes close? Your strange habit of using his first name. The way you talk about him, the way you look at him. And here I was, thinking that you were always watching him to make sure you didn't offend him in some tiny, stupid way."

"You've seen me looking at him? Am I that obvious?" Draco sounds worried.

Pansy smiles a sympathetic smile. "I'd be very surprised if he hasn't realized it himself." She pats his arm. "But don't worry, that's a great way to show interest."

Draco groans and hides his face in his hands. "Pansy, the guy acts as if I'm not even there, he just looks right through me. My first aim in the last weeks has been to not annoy him. If he thinks I'm staring at him to provoke him..."

"Don't worry, if he minded he'd have told you by now; he isn't really the shy, quiet type who's afraid of confrontation. Keep on looking as much as you like, he obviously doesn't mind and it feels good to do it, right?" Pansy's smile turns into a frown. " But I must say though, I can't see how you could have picked someone harder to get."

"To get?" Draco looks up. "You're aware that we're talking about a straight guy who's in a long term relationship, and who just happens to be the great, celebrated hero of the wizard world? I've got as much chance of getting him as I have of being Minister for Magic."

"Never say never. Now tell me the story. I take it you already had feelings for him this summer?"

Draco snorts. "Yeah, you could say that." He sighs. "I guess it... well actually you could say it began when I was fifteen, I just didn't know it back then."

"I see..." Pansy's face shows surprise and some compassion. "What do you mean, you didn't know?"

"He irritated me like no one else. When he came close I just _felt_ so much, and I didn't know what to do with it. Then school ended and my life turned to shit. The strange thing was that even if I had this burning hate for Harry, I got uneasy every time they talked about his death. I realized that summer that I didn't wanted him to die. The hate slid away, but there were still some kind of feelings left. It was confusing."

Pansy looks at him with big eyes and pats his arm. "Go on."

"Well, then I was back in school, and I had my orders that took the most of my focus. But I couldn't help noticing that I liked to look at him, that I wanted to hear his voice. I started to send glances to him, and... well, I'm sure that he was watching me too. And sometimes when I had the energy to glare at him and our eyes met, I could have sworn that there was interest in his eyes." Draco rubs his face. "And I can't help wondering, if I hadn't been so busy..." He looks up at Pansy. "What if he isn't as straight as it looks? What if I could have had a chance, if I only – " He folds his arms on his knees and hides his face in them. There's a warm hand on his back.

"Draco, it doesn't sound so hopeless, after what you've told me. But I don't get it, why did you attack him?" Pansy gives him a thoughtful look.

"Oh. That." Draco hesitates. "Well, let's just say that my assignment wasn't going well and he cornered me in a very bad situation. I was angry and scared and the world just was too much and suddenly he was there and I knew that I couldn't have him because he was The Chosen One and I was a pawn of the Dark Lord and his presence just tipped me over the edge. So I whipped out my wand without thinking and threw the first hex that came to my mind. He countered with spells of his own, and then we were off fighting. I guess I had stopped thinking by then because my whole word was pain, and as well as that I was going to get my arse hexed in twenty different ways if I didn't do something. So I tried to cast the Cru – "

Pansy puts a finger over his lips. "Shh. Don't say it. Continue."

"Well, I never got to cast it, because he was faster. And I thought that I couldn't be in more pain, but suddenly it felt as if my chest had split open and I just couldn't keep myself upright. And when Snape had entered and done whatever he did and I was more conscious again I saw that there was so much blood. Harry sat on the floor in the blood next to where I had laid, covered in it himself. He must have tried to do something, I think I remember his pained voice before Snape came. He just sat there when Snape and I left, and his expression... I've never seen so much guilt or terror on his face." Draco slowly shakes his head. "And then I got to the hospital wing and they started to treat my scars, and at last they left me to sleep. Or think, which was what I did. I thought about Harry, how much he affected me, how surprisingly attractive I thought he was, how I loved his eyes, his voice, even his glares since they meant that he saw me. I remembered his voice and pained face after he cursed me, I remembered my pain over to never be able to have him. I gave up that night and accepted that I was helplessly in love with the person I was plotting to kill." His voice turns quiet and gets thick. "I cried a lot that night."

An arm slides in place around his shoulders and Pansy hugs him softly. "Oh, Draco. But you're not trying to kill him now, and he knows that. He knows that you aren't and never have been a Death Eater."

"I had far too much time to think that night. I could see his strained face when we showed him the 'Support Cedric Diggory' badges, his helpless frustration when I docked points from him in fifth year, stating that I just didn't like him. His furious face every time I verbally attacked any of his friends, and his hardly controlled anger all the times I taunted and insulted him. Pansy, I was such a detestable excuse for a human being." Draco hangs his head. "How can I ever get him to see past that? We just have too much bad blood between us, I've done so many bad things. I'm so totally fucked up."

"Yeah, you have done a lot of stupid things, it's going to take some work to help him get over that." Pansy nods. "Is this where the story ends?"

Draco looks tired. "No, this is where the hard part start. And I'm not sure if I can do it."

"Why not?"

"Because Pansy, and you should know this, some really bad things happened during the war. Really bad things happened to Harry Potter." Draco sighs. "I saw him almost die twice. And both times I was personally involved." His voice starts to shake.

Pansy takes his hand. "The war is over now, and you are safe. Potter is safe. I believe that if you manage to talk about it it will be good for you. I'll be here next to you all the time." She squeezes his hand.

"Well, we were in school some of the time and we saw the Dark Lord marching forward. My family was his property, and I was never allowed to forget that. We lived on his mercy, and I just wanted out. I know I never told you that back then, but it wasn't really an accepted opinion for a Death Eater's son. I knew that the Dark Lord hunted Harry, and that one of them had to die. I just couldn't stand the thought that it might be Harry. I spent a good part of that year in fear for Harry's life." Draco rubs his eyes. "And then I was home around Easter, and a group of Snatchers came to our home, claiming that they had caught Harry Potter. I was so incredibly scared. And then they brought the three captives into the Drawing room where we sat, and I recognized Granger and Weasley at once. The third had a highly deformed face, but who else could it be in their company with the right body, glasses and black hair? My father was so excited; if we could hand over Harry Potter to the Dark Lord he would surely forgive our family. But they needed to be sure, so I was sent forward to identify him. I stood there in front of him, and I would recognize those eyes anywhere. If I told them that it was him, there was a real possibility that our family wouldn't live a life in disgrace forever. If I told them, Harry would die. I couldn't do it. So I lied to my family. I betrayed the Dark Lord. I knew that I wouldn't get out of it in one piece if I got caught, but there wasn't really any other option."

"You stood up to the Dark Lord?" Pansy's eyes are big and round.

"Well, he never knew that I lied, I think. It's hard to tell. You see, they escaped of course, and not only had we held Harry Potter and let him escape, they also took with them some of the Dark Lord's prisoners and a very valuable artefact. When the Dark Lord learned about what happened he was furious, and I don't think we need to get into the details of what he did to us." Draco is pale and a shiver goes through him. "That was when I lost my wand by the way, Harry took it from me before they escaped. I can't say I put up much of a fight though, he came running towards me and it wasn't as if I was going to curse him."

"What happened to your wand? Did you ever get it back?"

"No. I guess Harry still has it, it is the wand that defeated the Dark Lord after all, I don't think he'll want to part from it."

"True." Pansy looks thoughtful. "But you said twice, when was the other time?"

Draco swallows. "The other time... It was the day of the battle. Crabbe and Goyle and I were looking for him. They were... I was... Anyway. We found them in the Room of Requirement, and I tried to keep Crabbe and Goyle away from Harry. There was a fight of course, and then Crabbe... he started... he cast – " Draco tries to subdue the sob and clenches his shaking hands. "Pansy, I can't do this."

"You're doing fine." Pansy strokes his back. "What happened to Harry?"

"He... We got separated, and I – " There's another sob. "I was going to die. There was nothing I could do, just watch my own death coming closer and closer." Draco blinks repeatedly and breathes deeply. "And then Harry was there. He was..." A tear trickles down his cheek, and his voice sinks to almost a whisper. "He came to save me. He risked his own life to come back and save me." Draco folds his arms on his knees and hides his face in his arms, sobbing hard.

Pansy puts her arm around Draco's shoulders and pulls him closer. "Look, you could do it. You told me. You did really well." She strokes his hair with her other hand. "And I think it was good for you to tell this to someone, these are huge things to keep to yourself."

Draco looks up at her with wet eyes. "He could have died, Pansy. And it would all have been my fault. He had a whole world to save, and he risked it all to save me. He would have died because of me."

"But he didn't. You both got out of there alive, he didn't die."

The voice is barely a whisper. "He does every night. I see him come back for me, and I see him die. Because of me." Tears are running freely over his cheeks, and he looks devastated and very vulnerable.

"Draco..." Using her sleeve Pansy tries to dry some of his tears. "It's all right. He's fine, you're both fine. Think about Potter as he is now, as he was at dinner today. When he was loosening his tie, I know you were watching, and unbuttoned the two topmost buttons in his shirt. Think about that."

Draco gives her a shaky smile and dries the rest of his tears himself. "Thank you. For everything."

"Do you know what your next step is?"

"Next step?" Draco looks wary.

"You have to talk with Potter about it. You two need to get this out in the open and look at it, or you will never accept what happened and go on." Pansy looks almost sad, but still firm.

"Are you crazy? After this you want me to talk to Harry about it?"

"Yes, why not?"

"Because I don't want to break down like this in front of Harry." His voice shakes a bit. "Because this is so hard to do and I don't know how I could do it again."

"You can do it." Pansy sounds certain. "You're able to do more than you think."

"I don't know about that. But I do know another thing I need to do, and which I maybe actually can do."

"Oh? What's that?"

Draco swallows. "I need to talk to him and thank him. For saving me."

Pansy nods. "That's a really good start. Do it as soon as you can, it's no good drawing these things out."

"I suppose." Draco sighs deeply and fiddles with his sleeve. "I think you know the rest of my story, and it isn't that fun. My family changing sides at the last minute, my hearing and my probation, a long, murderous boring summer locked up in the Manor, and the journey back to school. You know it from there."

"Draco, listen to me, because this is important." Pansy waits until she has eye contact with Draco. "You did really well here today. You talked about tough things, scary things, painful things. It was really hard for you, but you did it. Be proud of yourself." She reaches out a hand and strokes his cheek. "I'm proud of you."

Draco's eyes gets a bit more shiny, but he smiles at her. "Thank you."

"Let's talk about something else. Tell me about Harry. What is it about him that catches your attention?

A small smile dawns on Draco's lips. "Where do you want me to begin?"

* * *

><p>"Blaise, can you do me a favour?" Draco is a bit pale and looks almost grim.<p>

Blaise is sitting in one of the chairs close to the fire, his Potions book open on his lap and a Quidditch magazine on the top of it. It's after dinner and most of the eighth-years are studying in the common room. "That depends. What do you want me to do?"

Draco bites his lip for a second. "I will go up to our dormitory now, where Potter and Weasley already are. You will wait for me to get up there, and then you will follow me. When you're up there you will get Weasley to follow you back down to the common room, I don't care how you do it, just do it, and keep him down here until either Potter or I comes down again."

"What are you up to now? If you were planning to assassinate The Saviour of the Wizard World you would tell me, right?" Blaise gives him a calculating look and lifts an eyebrow.

"Very funny. Can you do that?"

Blaise looks thoughtfully at him for a couple of seconds. "Sure. No problem. Just don't kill him – in that case you're on your own."

"Good." He swallows. "Thanks." Draco turns and walks for the dormitory. When he enters he observes the other boys. Harry is sitting cross-legged on his bed with his Potions book and seems to be questioning Ron, who is sprawled out on his bed. Draco walks through the room with an unaffected face, but he's think they should be able to hear his heart beat. He takes a couple of calming breaths and watches how Blaise enters and leans against Ron's bed.

"I'm so sick of Potions now." Blaise sighs and looks at the other two.

"Me too. I think I've learned all I can tonight." Ron looks up at a slightly doubtful Harry. "Harry, it's no good going on. I'd say we're done."

"Good!" Blaise beams at Ron. "Because I've heard that I will beat you in chess so bad that you'll hide for two weeks."

Ron jumps up from the bed. "You will try and you will cry when I crush you." He and Blaise set course for the door.

"Hey, wait up." Harry stands up and stretches. "I guess I just-"

"Potter, can I talk to you?" Draco's voice is polite and slightly cold. The other three turns and looks at him, but he shows only a blank face.

"Um. Yeah. OK." Harry gives Draco a surprised look. He turns to Ron and Blaise. "You go on, I'll be down soon."

When the two boys have gone and the door is closed Draco walks over to Harry. He stops and stands there in silence, looking at Harry, not sure where to begin. Nothing gets easier by the fact that Harry has rolled up his sleeves and unbuttoned the upper buttons of his shirt. Suddenly there is too much exposed skin, and he forces himself not to stare.

"You wanted to talk about something?" Harry looks mildly curious and a bit tired.

"Yes." _What to say, what to say?_ "But I don't know how." Draco gets paler and he feels his composed mask sliding away, showing heaven knows what.

Harry arches an eyebrow. "You can start by – Merlin, what is it?" There's half a smile. "You look like you're going to declare your undying love for me or something."

Draco gets another shade paler. "Or something."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease you when you obviously have something serious to say. Do you want to sit down?" Harry walks over to his bed and sits down, waving at Ron's for Draco.

He walks over to Ron's bed but doesn't sit down. "I have two things to say. Firstly, I can't..." He closes his eyes and sits down anyway. When he opens his eyes he regards Harry's left shoe intently. "I can't talk about the fire."

"Oh. Why not?" Harry's voice is oh-so soft.

"I just can't. Not yet. I'm sorry."

"It's OK. I know how it is, trust me." There's hint of raw pain in his voice now. "And the second?"

Draco takes a couple of deep breaths. This is it. "I... Thank you." He swallows. The fire is raging in his mind, he can see dream-Harry closing in and how the wave of fire appears. He closes his eyes.

"For what?" The voice is velvet.

He's a coward, he knows that. He's no Gryffindor, and these things are so damn hard. But this is Harry, and there are some things you can't say with your eyes closed or addressed to a shoe. Out of sheer willpower he opens his eyes and meets Harry's. "Thank you. For saving my life."

First it seems like Harry is going to come over and hug him, but he stays on his bed. Instead a smile takes place on his face, and merciful deities, what a smile. Draco has never been on the receiving end of something like that before. It's a smile that tells you that you're special, and that damn hope flutters up, even though he knows it will only bring even more pain.

"You're welcome." Now his voice is warm and rich, and it soothes some of Draco's panic.

Draco chews on his lip and just stares at Harry, unable to say anything.

"Malfoy?" This smile is so filled with tenderness and compassion that it makes Draco's chest constrict. "I would do it again if I had the choice."

"Why are you so nice to me?" Draco clears his throat at last. "You hate me. Fervently."

And then there's a short, soft laugh. "No Malfoy, I don't hate you. I haven't done for some time. I've been really angry with you every now and then, but I haven't hated you for years." Once more it looks like Harry is on his way to reach out for Draco, but changing his mind in the last second.

Draco talks to Harry's shoe again. "I hope you know by now that I don't hate you either."

"Actually I didn't knew it until recently. But I guess I could have figured it out earlier if I had been open to the thought." He look pensive. "Malfoy?"

Slowly Draco meets his eyes. "Yes?"

"This spring, at the Manor. You didn't hate me back then, did you?"

Draco shakes his head, biting his lip.

"You know, I don't buy that you didn't know it was me. Why didn't you tell on us?"

"That should be obvious." Draco swallows. "I didn't want you to die."

Harry looks at him with a estimating look. "You know... To me it seemed an awful lot like you didn't put up that big fight for just losing your and two Death Eaters wands to your bitterest enemy."

Draco looks up at Harry with big, scared eyes, trying to say something but failing. At last he nods shortly and looks away.

"Malfoy." The voice is back to velvet.

Forcing himself to look at him again, Draco shows a torn and pained face.

"Thank you. For saving our lives." Harry has an honest and serious expression, but his voice is still very soft.

For a second Draco looks shocked, then he slides a blank face in it's place. He can't hide the slight blush on his cheeks though. "I... You're welcome. I just couldn't..."

Harry smiles again, and this time it's a smile saying 'if I knew you and you were someone else I think I could like you', and it makes Draco's head swirl in a strange way. "I think I should go down and show Ron that I'm still alive, if you don't have anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"No, I think that was all." Draco tentatively tries a small smile of his own.

The returning smile is warm. "Good." The smile turns mischievous. "We can take the declaration of your undying love another day." He winks and disappears out through the door.

Draco snorts when he is gone. If he only knew...

* * *

><p>Draco sits on his bed and thinks. Some time has gone since he managed to thank Harry for what he did in the fire, and he's a bit disappointed. They got along so well during that discussion, he remember Harry's laugh, his smiles and his soft voice, he even joked with him. And then he walked out the door and everything was back to how it was before. Well, actually a bit better, even if it's a very small step. Harry doesn't actively tries to treat Draco as if he's not there any more, now he just isn't interested at him. At all. But the difference is there, it can be felt in the climate of the room. It seems that he was telling the truth, he doesn't hate him any more, and that he just waited for Draco to prove that he was a decent being who knew the right thing to do. He knows that he's still far from ready though, he has the apologies left. Maybe Harry will talk to him after that? But they will be hard too, just like the 'thank you', he doesn't doubt that. He should do it now, at once, but it just seems so scary he can't bring himself to do it.<p>

He's immersed in his thoughts when there is a knock on the door, and when he looks up he sees Pansy, turned at the side, standing in the door.

"Pansy? Come on in."

"The others won't be mad that you're letting a girl in?" She hesitates in the doorway, still looking at the door-frame.

"I very much doubt it, and I can't see any of them here now anyway." He stands up an goes to meet her. "Just come in, it won't be any problem."

Pansy turns her head and looks at him, showing her left cheek which is burning red.

"Pansy!" Draco gasps. "What happened to you?" He pulls her with him and sits her down on his bed. "Did someone hit you?"

She nods.

"Who? They'll be in a world of trouble." An angry frown takes its place on Draco's face.

"No, it was just an ordinary argument, and she got a bit worked up I guess."

"Who did? Granger?" Draco's lips are thin and his eyes burning.

"Yes. Of course it was her. She really doesn't like me."

"She clearly doesn't, and now she's up to finding even more ways to hurt you."

"Well, she did that. I know it isn't much, but it stings like hell. And anyway, it's more the humiliation of being slapped in the face like that." Pansy's voice is bitter.

Draco seems like he wants to hit someone. Trying to calm down Draco takes a deep breath. "How did it all start anyway?"

"We got into an argument. Again." Pansy sighs and looks at her feet. "And it got worse and worse, and she said that I got through school last year by giving those in charge certain _favours_. So I called her an emotionless, self-centred monster, and then she hit me."

"She said what?" Draco jumps up from the bed and suddenly looks furious. "I've had it up here with that girl! She can't go around treating people like that."

"Draco, calm down."

"I'm not calming down. I'm going to say a thing or two to that worthless ex-Gryffindor. And _you_..." He points at Pansy. "...you stay put."

Draco hurries out the door, almost runs down the stairs and bursts into the common room. The ex-Hufflepuff girls says something to each other and follow him with their eyes. He looks around the room and spots Hermione at a desk next to the wall on the other side. Seeing her calm and unaffected doing her homework as if nothing happened makes Draco even more furious. He strides over to her and rips her off the chair.

"What's wrong with you?" Draco holds her upper arm in a firm grip and shakes her slightly.

"Get off me!" Hermione looks irritated, but also a small part scared. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't try to play innocent. I know what you did!" The shaking is more distinct and he starts to lift her so she has to stand on her toes.

"Let me go!"

"I know what you did to Pansy, and if you think – " A strong hand on his shoulder pulls him back at the same time as another seizes the wrist holding Hermione. Turning his head he find himself face to face with a seriously pissed off Harry.

"Let go of her. Now!" Harry keeps the painful grip of Draco's shoulder.

Draco loosens his grip and lets her down, then ripping Harry's hand off his shoulder and turning to him, anger still burning in his eyes."I should have known you would run in and defend her, whatever she might have done."

"If you think I'm just going to stand aside and watch you manhandle my best friend you're wrong!" Harry's hands are balled up to fists.

"Well, your best friend just stepped over the big fat line, showing how you behave around your fellow students." Anger flashes over his face and he takes a step closer. "Do you even know the things she says to Pansy?"

There's a flicker of guilt in Harry's eyes, but it soon disappears and is replaced by anger. He takes one step closer too, making them stand very close. There's a warning in his voice. "I think those girls are old enough to solve their own problems."

"You might think it's all good, but I draw a line when she starts to _hit_ my best friend." Draco spits out the word.

"Honestly, can you blame her?" Harry's face is hard. "Do you think someone in here would blame her?" The room is dead silent, all eyes on the two boys.

Draco sticks out his chin. "Well, yes, I thought I just did?"

Without further warning Harry lifts his hands and pushes Draco hard in the chest, watching him stumble backwards. "Then you should keep your stupid thoughts to yourself! That girl made an open statement in front of the whole school that she wanted me dead and Voldemort to win the war! I don't think anyone here think that she got more than she deserved." He takes one more step after Draco, who gets on his feet again.

"I can understand that people judge her, it didn't look good what she did. And for whatever reason she did it, it is obvious that no one is interested to know it." As Draco talks he walks towards Harry, fists clenched at his sides. "I can take it if you decide not to like her though. But I will not sit back and watch you turn to unprovoked violence!"

"Didn't you hear what I said? It's not unprovoked when you act like she did." Harry looks furious too now, and it doesn't seems to be long before the first punch is thrown. "This school was a living hell under Voldemort, and she actually wanted that to go on." He points around the room. "These people was tortured and humiliated, is that how you think it should be?" The glare he gives Draco would make a weaker man to step back. "It was a nightmare, and that is what you and your side did to people!"

Draco pales and all the anger is suddenly gone from his face. His hands hangs limp to his sides, and his face shows equal amounts of pain, sadness and fear. When he talks his voice is raspy and pained. "Don't. Please don't say that. It wasn't me, I never wanted that. Don't call it my side." He backs off from Harry with a pleading look, and after some steps he turns and walks towards the dormitories. The room watches him go in total silence.

oOo

Draco and Pansy sits on his bed with their backs to the room, and he has told her about what happened down in the common room. He is sitting with an arm around her when Harry enters the room, shortly followed by Blaise.

"Malfoy, we're going to talk." He still look angry and looks around with an irritated glare. "Parkinson, Blaise, get the hell out of here."

Blaise places a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Harry, do you really think-"

"Didn't I tell you to get out of here? The door is over there." Harry shakes off the hand. "Parkinson, now. Before I have to throw you out, please."

Pansy immediately leaves Draco, and hurries through the room with a terrified glance at Harry.

"The same go for you, Blaise."

"But Harry, listen here. I can't just leave you with Draco when you looks like you're going to-" Blaise falls silent when Harry grips him around his arm and forcefully pushes him out of the room, closing and locking the door behind him.

"Malfoy, turn around, I'm talking to you." There's restrained anger in Harry's voice.

Draco stands up and walks around the bed, facing Harry. He looks tired and a bit scared, and he meets Harry's eyes without a word.

"Explain yourself. What was all that about?" Harry presses his lips together.

"You know what it was about." Draco looks at the floor. "Pansy and Granger started to argue and – "

"No, not that." His face is turning to stone. "The last part."

Draco looks up at him, uncertain and surprised. "I just... I don't like it when people think that I... it wasn't me, I never wanted anything like that." His face turns pleading. "Please, you have to believe me."

"What you're saying is that you and your buddies weren't in agreement about how the school was run?" Harry's voice is still shaking slightly with anger.

"No. And don't call them my buddies."

"No?" A questioning eyebrow is raised at him.

"I wasn't in agreement with them about anything. I was never a Death Eater, and I never wanted to be. I thought what they did was wrong." Draco bites his lip and keeps eye contact.

"I see. And the fact that you did a lot of bad things too is totally unrelated to this?" The anger seems to surface again.

"I never wanted to do it. I thought it was wrong." There's a note of panic in Draco's voice.

"So that was what you thought?" Harry's voice crackles with anger and disgust. "You can't even stand up for your own actions, you're pathetic." He turns and walks for the door.

Draco crosses the floor in a few steps, putting his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Potter, I'm not a monster, please believe me." To his great embarrassment he can hear the beginning of tears in his voice.

Harry turns around, and seems to suddenly run out of steam. He stares at Draco's devastated face for a long time in silence before he talks again with a tired voice. "You're a very strange person, do you know that?" Then he turns around, unlocks the door and leaves Draco standing in the middle of the room with a multitude of feelings and thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

* * *

><p>Draco sits in the library, pretending to be interested in the books in front of him. Instead he studies Harry. He and Blaise are sitting at a table not too far away, and they seem to be having a little bit too much fun to actually be doing their homework. As usual Harry has misplaced his tie and unbuttoned the upper buttons of his shirt, but Draco isn't complaining, he likes the view. Especially now, when Harry is almost doubled up with suppressed laughter, his eyes wide in amusement and his face open and relaxed. Draco smiles to himself. It's not really fair for a person to be that attractive. His smile dies when he remembers the two facts 'straight' and 'girlfriend', and he turns back to his books. He has been studying with discipline for ten minutes when he hears a strange sound, and he looks up. Harry is lying over the desk, tears in his eyes, and is giggling. Blaise tries hard not to laugh, and he is patting Harry on the head. It only generates an new wave of giggles. Draco can't help noticing how his own mouth starts to twitch just from watching, and he decides that he's allowed to just enjoy the view of an incredibly happy Harry. The giggles die out after some time, and Harry sits up again, drying his tears and sticking out a tongue at Blaise. Then he looks around in the room, and their eyes meet for a moment. Draco looks down and hurries to go back to work, and it would undoubtedly work better if he sat where he should. Usually he finds a desk in the back of the library, the section where no one goes any more. Everyone involved is happier if the Malfoy is separated from the others. But today he spotted the two laughing boys, and decided to sit out here. He looks up again. Harry is staring down into a book and playing with his hair, and Draco can't help wonder how it would feel under his fingers. His hair always seems to live it's own life, but that doesn't mean that it can't be soft. Harry sighs deeply, looks at Blaise, and then turns his head and sees Draco watching him. He stops momentarily and then continues look around. Draco tell himself to start studying and stop staring, and it works for almost fifteen minutes. Then he throws a glance up, and is captured. Harry is sitting leaned back, a book in his hand and a concentrated expression. But while reading the tip of his tongue playing on his lower lip, and Draco just has to stare. The picture makes him want to walk over to Harry and just rip his clothes off at once, but he decides that it might be a bad idea after all, so he sets for staring. The tongue disappears, but is replaced with a finger that strokes his lips, mouth slightly open. Draco groans inside, the boy is sitting there just begging to be kissed! Not to think about... No. Not to think. He is too distracted to realize that Harry lifts his head until it's too late. They stare at each other, and Draco hopes immensely that his feelings don't show in his eyes: they are what could be called inappropriate. A small frown can be seen on Harry's face, and then he looks away again. Draco sighs and return to his books, but there is no chance of him concentrating now. Such things shouldn't be allowed in public. He tries to focus, but when he realize that he's reading the same line for the fourth time and still doesn't know what it says he gives up and glances at Harry again. This time he's talking to Blaise, scratching his cheek and looking bored. He sighs and picks up parchment, ink and quill, probably starting with one of the essays. Before he starts he looks up again though, straight at Draco. This time the frown is more marked, and he drops his quill. To Draco's alarm he then stands up and walks over to him, placing his hands on the desk and leaning forward.<p>

"You know, you can just ask." The frown is still there.

"Ask what?" Draco bites his lip.

"Well, if you want to sit with us, all you have to do is ask, we won't bite." The frown fades and a resigned expression forms. "Honestly Malfoy, I'm not dangerous."

And Draco just can't keep it inside, it just bubbles out. "Says the man who killed the Dark Lord."

Harry just stares at him for four long seconds while Draco feels himself pale, but then the unbelievable happens. The corner of Harry's mouth starts to twitch, and he stands up again. "Take your books and get moving over to our table now, I'm tired of your puppy looks, and I've never seen someone looking so tragic just reading a book."

Draco stands up too and starts collecting his things. He swallows and repeats Harry's words to himself again. _"I've never seen someone looking so tragic just reading a book"_. Does that mean that Harry has been watching him when he has been studying? When walking across the floor he tries to decide where to sit. Next to Harry, having him close, or across the table, having better chances to watch him? He settles for across, sitting next to him and maybe even touching him... Draco wouldn't get a single thing done.

"Look what you found." Blaise looks at Harry with a raised eyebrow.

"He was trying to drive me insane. I had to do something." Harry shrugs.

"Well, it was not a bad catch, he can help me with my Potions." Blaise seems pleased.

"Oh, I didn't think of that, he might even be of use."

Draco looks down in the table, trying not to blush in shame over being treated like he isn't there, not even worth to be acknowledged as a normal person. A quill pokes his hand, and he looks up reluctantly.

"Hey." Harry grins at him. "Sorry, I just had to." For a short while the grin almost turns into a smile, and then he looks down, turning back to his essay and his habit of ignoring Draco.

* * *

><p>When Draco enters the dormitory on Tuesday afternoon only Harry is there. He's on his back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Draco walks over to his bed and starts to put his books away, but when he shoots a glance over at Harry he sees that Harry has turned over on his side and is watching him.<p>

"I was thinking of a thing." Harry hesitantly sits up.

"Yes?"

"You said you didn't want to talk about the fire." The words are carefully chosen.

Draco stiffens up. "Yes."

"I was thinking... There is another thing I'd like to talk about, but I don't know how you'd feel about it." Harry rubs the back of his neck.

This is strange. Harry barely looks at Draco usually, and now he's initiating a discussion with him. He observes Harry closely, but there is only honesty and a little anxiousness on his face. It scares him a bit – what could it be that Harry wants to talk about that makes him that serious? He's thinking that it could be about the row and what was said when suddenly a flash of panic hits him. He hasn't found out about Draco's feelings for him, has he? Draco can hear his voice shaking when he answers.

"What thing is that?"

Harry walks over and, uninvited, sits down on Draco's bed, then he sighs and looks up at him. "I wondered if you want to talk about what happened in our sixth year. In the bathroom." He looks away, his body tense.

"Oh. That." Draco feels his heart starts to beat hard.

"Yes, that." He swallows and continues in a haste. "I understand perfectly if you don't want to talk about it, it's just to say so and I'll leave. Maybe it's too much to ask, just tell me if you think so, I'll totally understand and-"

"Potter. Stop babbling."

Harry looks up at him with a weak, questioning smile.

"Yes. I can talk about that." He shrugs. "For some reason it's not that bad."

"I almost killed you." Harry's voice cracks and he stares at Draco. "How can that not be bad?"

"The guilt is not as big as in other events." He presses his lips together.

Harry keeps staring at him, and his eyes are so filled with emotion that Draco wants to look away. "I assure you, there is guilt." He runs a hand over his eyes. "Malfoy, I..." His voice gives away.

"I remember you when you sat there on the floor. A fool could have seen that you regretted the spell right after you had cast it. As I would probably have done if I had been just a little bit faster." Draco observes Harry. He's pale and very pained, and the look in his eyes makes Draco want to hug him and hold him hard until that look disappears. Instead he sits down next to him on the bed.

"Malfoy, I know that it's a lot to ask, but we have been through a war and we have seen and experienced more than we liked to. I guess we've both seen our spells used in other ways during that. I was thinking... I don't know what I was thinking." Harry leans forward and hides his face in his hands. After a few seconds he looks up again. "I'm so very sorry."

"I can see that." Tentatively Draco puts a hand on Harry's arm. "Potter, you were defending yourself against an Unforgivable. You were justified in defending yourself, anyone with half a brain will understand that."

"I could have killed you!" The guilt in Harry's eyes almost turns to panic, and suddenly Draco understands. The pain of knowing that you could have caused another person's death, he knows that too well.

"It's OK. I'm fine. There's nothing you have to hold on to. Nothing that should give you nightmares any more." Not able to stop himself, even if he would like to, Draco strokes Harry's arm.

Harry stares at him. "How did you know about my nightmares?" He shakes his head. "I see you lying there, but no one comes, and..." A shiver ripples through him and he closes his eyes.

Draco throws all caution overboard and reaches out for Harry's hand. "Potter, look at me. I'm here. I'm not dead, I'm fine." He squeezes Harry's hand. "Look, all living and at least having some kind of life." He gives him a half-smile.

"Yes, you are." He doesn't let go of Draco's hand, but suddenly he shoots out the other hand against Draco's face and grips his chin. Then he starts turning his face back and forward in different angles. "I can't see anything, they managed to stop the scarring?"

"They started at the face since that's most visible, and they did a really good job. Not even I can see anything, even if I try."

Harry's eyes narrow. "'Started at the face'... What about your chest?"

"It's not that bad, really." Draco smiles a small smile, trying to make it reassuring. "I don't care about it."

The colour in Harry's face fades. "You got scars after it. You will always have them there as a reminder..." He closes his eyes and holds Draco's hand hard. When he opens them again there's a determined flash in them. "Let me see."

Draco stares at him. "What?"

Harry takes his hand back and folds his arms. "Open up your shirt. I want to see what I have done."

"Um. I don't know..." Certainly Draco had dreamt about undressing with Harry, but not exactly in this situation. And showing Harry the reminders of his attack is really nothing he wants, he's been so careful not to show him this far.

"Stop it. I'm really not up to ripping off your shirt right now, so you better do it yourself. Now." There's a hard and determined look in Harry's eyes that makes you remember that you're standing in front of the man who defeated the most powerful Dark wizard of all time.

With slightly shaking hands Draco starts to unbutton his shirt, and when he is done he tentatively opens it up. He knows that the line is there, it's not big, but a thin white scar crossing his chest. To his horror Harry reaches out a hand and traces the scar with a finger.

"I did this." He swallows and looks at Draco. "Nothing I say can erase what I did, but I want you to know that I'm sorry for it. If I could undo it I would."

"Potter, you do realize that I _don't_ want you to undo it?"

Harry blinks at him, his finger stopping on the middle of Draco's chest. "What?"

"I was trying to use an Unforgivable on you, remember? If you hadn't stopped me I would be in Azkaban now. A tiny scar on the chest is a pretty low prize to pay for that moment of idiocy."

"You still could have died. You should have died if Snape hadn't passed. I would have killed you." Harry's eyes turns pleading. "You don't have to do this, but Malfoy, I am very sorry. Do you think you can forgive me for being... doing what I did?"

"Yes." As if Draco needed to think about that, he had forgiven him the same night. "As I said, you were in a duel with a person who showed himself willing to use Unforgivables on you. Although I must admit that I'm surprised at your choice; I wouldn't think that _you_ would use that kind of spell, you were totally justified in doing that. You're forgiven."

Harry groans. "But don't you know? I didn't know what the spell did, I found it and used it just because it popped up. It could have been a killing curse for all I knew." He shudders. "Well, it almost was."

There's suddenly a half-smirk on Draco's lips. "If that's the disciplined way you were fighting throughout the war, I'm surprised you made it this far."

"Shut up." Harry's eyes turn dark and hard. "It worked, didn't it? Just shut it, you don't know anything about how I fought during the war."

"I'm sorry." The smirk disappears and Draco looks anxious. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." He looks at Harry's knee. "For what it's worth...You know, I've actually seen you fight, not only in the bathroom. You are very good at what you do. It's not your fame that makes me reluctant to duel you, it's because I've actually seen you fight."

Harry looks at him with an unreadable face, but his eyes soften. "Thank you. Personally I don't think I'm that special at duelling, but it felt nice to hear it that way."

"You're kidding me, right?" Draco stares at him incredulously. "You duelled five persons at once, captured a new wand for yourself and escaped without a scratch. If that isn't good duelling I don't know what is."

"I had lots of help, I wasn't there alone, remember?"

"I also remember that you were the one all of them... us wanted; no one was interested in harming your silly friends, you were the big prize. And still not a single spell hit you, but you managed to disarm me and stun two highly skilled fighters."

"Um." Harry looks uncomfortable.

"And finally you ended it all by not only escaping us, but escaping with your friends, two of the Dark Lord's prisoners, a goblin and a very valuable sword." Draco's eyes become haunted and he shivers. "You can't imagine what happened after you left. When _he_ came back and you were gone."

Harry gives him an odd look. "Actually, I can. Very vividly."

"What do you mean?" A frown appears on Draco's face.

"Voldemort and I were connected in a very weird way, and well, sometimes when he was upset I would share his mind. I have no problem imagining what he did to you."

"You shared the Dark Lord's mind?" Draco gapes at him. "My father said something about a link, but I never understood... Does that mean that he was in your mind too?"

"You're getting straight to the issue here, it took much longer for a lot of us to realize that." Harry looks grim and bitter. "He made me do some very... ill-advised things." He sighs. "I think it would be better if you don't talk to people about this."

"The Saviour doing the Dark Lord's bidding? No, I can't see that going down well." A curious look is sent at Harry. "How was it? To be inside his mind?"

"Well, firstly it wasn't always like I was a visitor next to him, sometimes I was him. So it was physically painful. Scary, since I don't particularly like to kill people. Or torture them either, as a matter of fact. Scary because I could feel his feelings, and it makes me slightly ill to actually enjoy those things."

"Why was it painful?" Draco hangs to every word Harry says.

Harry sighs and rubs his face. "Every time he came close to me my scar started to hurt, and it got worse the closer he was. You can imagine what sharing mind with him would do. Some time I just threw up because the pain was too much." He closes his eyes and then looks up at Draco. "Remind me, why am I telling you all this?"

"I don't know. I could ask you the same thing, but it would sound as if I object to you telling me, and I don't. You can trust me."

Harry smiles joylessly. "I'm sorry Malfoy, but with your history I don't trust you further than I can throw you." He tilts his head slightly. "But I think you have a chance to prove me wrong."

"Potter, you have always had reason to trust me, me more than anyone else. Whatever happened, you could always rely on me being an arse to you." Draco's smirk turns into something closer to a smile. "I hope you understand that I don't want to be that person any more."

"Yeah." Harry stands up and looks at him with an almost curious expression. "I have to go, I promised to meet Blaise in the library." He bites his lip. "There are two things you should know. First, I don't know what to think of you, but I don't think that you're a monster." He falls silent.

"And the second?" Draco looks anxious.

"Sometimes it's a pity that you aren't someone else. It was nice talking to you." With that he walks over to his bed, gets his bag and leaves the room.

* * *

><p>Harry flops down in the empty chair next to Blaise. "Honestly, I'm never going to figure out how girls work." He looks around the eighth-years' common room, which is almost empty.<p>

"Uh uh." Blaise makes a face. "Not another disagreement with girl Weasley, I hope?"

"No, but the second worst, an upset Hermione." Harry sighs. "Thank god I'm not the target of her resentment at least."

Blaise chuckles. "No, you really don't want to get that girl as your enemy. I don't know which is worst, her tongue or her wand." He suddenly looks worried. "Don't tell her I said that, OK?"

"She had a row with Parkinson, again, and for some reason she feels like I'm the ultimate person to turn to after that." Harry runs a hand through his hair. "I never know what to say, and she just goes on, more or less retelling the whole encounter."

"So, what was the problem tonight?"

"I'm not sure actually, it's mostly a lot of insults thrown back and forth." He rubs his face. "I'm sorry to say that a lot was about how despicable Slytherins are. And ex-Slytherins. Not that she remembers that distinction when she's upset."

"I'm pretty sure that I've heard those arguments before." Blaise sighs. "Is it OK with you if I don't join her fan club today?"

"One of her final comments was that all the Slytherins in this tower are immoral. Not because you've done something special, but because you're Slytherins."

"That's just stupid. She could just as well say that all the gays in this tower likes manticores." Blaise is obviously annoyed.

"All gays?" Harry looks surprised. "You mean there are... here? In our year?" He sends some suspicious glances out over the common room.

Blaise stares at him. "You didn't know?" The corner of his mouth twitches. "Honestly Harry, which world have you been living in?"

"Um, the one where I had to kill an insane megalomaniac before he killed me and turned the world to shit?" A frown forms on Harry's face. "Who are they?"

"Well, there's Terry Boot from Ravenclaw of course, and proud Slytherin gives you two actually. Most people don't know about Daphne."

"But you said two?" The frown is still in place.

Blaise stares at him. "You don't even know about Draco? And you have been living together for how long?"

"Malfoy's gay?" Harry stares back at him, then he shrugs. "Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he has always been strange."

"There's nothing strange with being gay." Blaise frowns.

"Well, you can't say that it's normal either." There's a slightly disapproving expression on Harry's face.

"Does it matter?" There's a raised eyebrow from Blaise. "Who wants to be normal anyway, isn't that a bit boring?"

"I do? It's nice to be normal. Or at least as normal as possible." Harry plays with his sleeve, looking thoughtful. "I'm not saying that it's something wrong with being gay, it's just... not normal."

"Is it so important to be normal? Would it be the end of the world if you liked boys instead of girls?" Blaise's voice is soft and careful.

"I don't know. But I can't really picture myself in that situation anyway, it's just too... I don't know, strange? If I was given a choice I would pick normal ten times over."

"Harry, you do know that there's no real difference between straight and gay, right?" Blaise gives him a sad smile. "The only part where they differ is when it comes to the gender of the one they love, and that's a very tiny difference. In every other aspect they are just as 'normal' as everyone else."

"Yes, but everyone would know that you're not normal. If you don't choose to hide what you are of course, keeping it all to yourself." Harry looks troubled. "I almost feel bad for Malfoy. It can't be nice being gay on top of everything else."

Blaise stares at him in astonishment. "You think Draco feels bad for being gay?"

"Um, yes? Doesn't he?" Harry blinks.

"Why should he?" Blaise smiles widely. "It's a perfectly normal part of his life for him, and he is definitely not ashamed of himself. In his opinion he's the one who has the best situation, he doesn't have to cope with temperamental, erratic girls." Blaise grins.

"First thing I ever heard that sounded positive about being gay." Harry smiles weakly.

"Maybe it's not as bad as you think."

"Well, I assure you, if I woke up tomorrow and found out that I was gay I wouldn't be happy." He shakes his head. "And everything would be so very much more complicated. I can live without that."

Blaise frowns. "I think you're making it worse than it is. It is no big deal to be gay, it doesn't change your life." He tilts his head slightly. "If you woke up tomorrow with a boyfriend you were terribly in love with and who could kiss you crazy, I don't think you would feel bad. Gay or not."

"I'm sorry, but that really doesn't sound like me."

"What am I supposed to do with you?" Blaise sighs. "Has anyone ever told you that you're a stubborn bastard?"

Harry smiles. "Once or twice."

Blaise watches Harry with an amused expression. Someone is extremely dismissing of everything that has to do with 'gay'. Maybe this someone acts on something more than just prejudices, maybe there is something underneath the surface. It's not hard to see the insecurity and the fear. Yes, adding this discussion to the miserable relationship he's in... Blaise is pretty sure about his hypothesis now. This could be interesting.

* * *

><p>Harry is thinking about what Blaise said the other day. He had never even thought about the fact that some of his classmates would be gay, but thinking about it now it's pretty clear that they must be there. Terry... well, no one's ever seen him with a girl. But on the other hand, that doesn't make you gay, right? And Greengrass was a bit of a surprise – and probably a disappointment for a lot of Slytherin boys. And then, of course, Malfoy. He should have known, Malfoy always turns out to be special, that's for sure. And speaking of which, is there some way to see that Malfoy is gay? He has been studying him so closely for such a long time, if it is there he should have seen it. But then again, he was so sure that he and Parkinson was a thing. Well, what about appearance? He looks good, there's no denying that, but good looks doesn't make you gay. The way he moves then? Well, he does move with a certain –<p>

"Harry Potter, am I boring you?"

Harry focuses back to reality and realizes that he's sitting next to Ginny on a sofa in the Gryffindor common room. And wasn't he supposed to do something... Uh oh.

"Could you _please_ tell me what is so important that it makes you zone out in the middle of a kiss?" Ginny looks seriously pissed off. "Suddenly I find myself kissing some kind of rubber doll."

"Ginny, can we please take this somewhere else?" Looking around Harry sees some curious eyes listening in.

"No! We're going to take it right here, right now. Spit it out. What were you thinking about?" She folds her arms and glares at him.

'Do you know that Terry is gay?' No, not a good answer. 'I was thinking about Daphne Greengrass.' Definitely not a good one. Well, he has to say something, and the truth is always easiest. "Um... Malfoy."

"Do you think about _Malfoy_ while you are kissing me?" Ginny's shrill voice can easily be heard all over the common room.

"No, no, not like that!" Harry feels a lot of eyes on him.

"Oh, like what then?" Ginny has moved her hands to her hips now, and is looking scarily much like her mother.

'Oh, I was thinking about how good-looking he is.' Nope, that will not be a hit. 'I thought that he's always so special.' Harry kills an involuntary giggle. "Uh... about him and Parkinson." There. That should be pretty safe.

Ginny's eyes narrow. "What about them?"

"Well, um, they're not a couple."

"Why do you think that?"

Harry suddenly get a feeling that if this is a secret, it's Malfoy's to tell, not his. "Blaise told me."

"And..." Ginny's intense stare can probably fell a tree. "...exactly why is that more interesting than kissing me?"

"Ginny, look here." Harry feels the anger wake in his stomach and he _do not_ want another row with Ginny, especially not in front of whole Gryffindor Tower. "Why don't we take a walk talking about this?"

"No!" Her eyes are shooting daggers. "You're going to tell me right now why you find your girlfriend so uninteresting."

"Stop this." He takes a deep breath. "Now."

"You're the one stopping! How do you think that feels?"

Harry clings to whatever patience he has left. "Ginny, that's enough."

She jumps up from the sofa, glaring at him. "If you think that you can treat me however you want just because you're famous, then you're wrong."

"That was low." Harry slowly stands up and faces Ginny, voice rough with anger. "I thought you would show a little bit more brains than that."

"Well at least I keep my brain focused on the task at hand, but I'm sorry that kissing me is such a pain!" Her hand are shaking slightly. "So you're thinking about Parkinson instead. I see."

"Ginny, right now the whole of you is a pain. There's no reason for you to act like a spoiled child."

"At least I was raised in a normal family, with a mother and a father!"

Harry feels his face drain of all colour, and he clenches his fists hard to keep himself from resorting to violence. "Ginevra Weasley. The next time you see me will be at breakfast tomorrow, by which time I suggest that you have a good apology." With that he turns and leaves Gryffindor Tower. He can't wait to get back to his own, calm common room, with mature, sensible people. Well, there is Hermione of course, but right now maybe some intense Potions studying is exactly what he needs.

oOo

Draco is trying to make their latest homework in Arithmancy to make sense, it's a really complicated theory behind this one. He retreated to the dormitory and his bed to get some peace and silence, and now he's surely going insane. Harry entered some minutes ago, and he is obviously looking for something. And he isn't doing it quiet, judging from the sounds he is throwing things around himself, accompanied by a row of creative curses. If it had been anyone else Draco would have snapped a long time ago, but he keeps reminding himself that this is Harry, and he's not supposed to irritate Harry. If he only can-

"Malfoy!"

Draco looks up to find a pissed Harry walking over to his bed in long strides. "Yes?" He puts his book down on the pillow and sits up.

"Where is it?" Harry looks as if he's going to punch him any second now.

"Where is what?" There's caution in the words, and Draco is tense and ready to move.

Harry puts a hand over his face and takes deep breath before turning back to Draco. "My book of course!"

This is getting tricky. Draco tries to sound calm and soothing. "Which book?"

"Which book?" Harry dives and balls his fists in Draco's shirt, pulling him up from the bed. "My Potions book of course! It was lying on my bed, and now it's gone. And no one else but you have been up here." He shakes Draco. "I'm _so_ not in the mood for this. Where is it?"

"Potter, calm down. I haven't taken your book." Draco thinks he does a good job sounding calm and not letting the fear shine through.

"Bullshit! Is it supposed to have grown legs and walked away on it's own?"

"No, I didn't say that, I'm just saying that there's some other explanation, and that I haven't taken your book."

"Stop it!" Harry pushes Draco roughly backwards until he reaches the wall with enough force to knock the air out of him and leave two fist shaped bruises on his chest. "What's wrong with you? I don't know anyone who drives me crazy like you do! No one even comes close, it's only you!"

Draco tries to get his breath to work again, and this time the fear can be heard, even though he tries to conceal it. "Harry, please, listen to me..."

Harry lets go of Draco as if he had burnt himself, but his eyes are still furious. "What did you call me?"

"Potter. I meant Potter. I'm sorry." Draco closes his eyes and waits for blow to hit him. But the blow never comes. Instead he gets his breath knocked out of him again when Harry's chest slams into his. Gasping for air he feels Harry lift his wrists and slam them too into the wall on the sides of his head. When he talks his voice is low and the threat is evident.

"Malfoy, listen very closely now, because I'm just going to say this once. If you don't – "

"Harry, I was just going to give back your book, I thought... Harry?" Hermione enters the door and stares with gaping mouth at the two boys. "You're not... are you?"

Draco understands first and blushes hard, trying to wriggle out of Harry's grip. Harry seems confused and looks from the book in Hermione's hand, to her gaping mouth, to Draco's blushing cheeks. It takes him a good five seconds before he understands her thoughts too and jumps back from Draco.

"No, no, no! We were just... discussing a thing." Harry blinks, anger gone and confusion taking its place.

"I see..." Hermione looks from Draco, who is now trying to hide in his book, cheeks still flushed, to Harry who is standing in the middle of the floor with a slightly guilty expression. "I'm not usually up here, so I don't really know your habits, but do you always discuss things pressed up against the wall like that?" There's a mild warning in her words.

Harry seems to wake up. "Don't be stupid, Hermione. You know Malfoy and I."

"Yes. I do." She hands him his Potions book. "I'm going to do you a favour and not mention this to Ginny."

"Oh, no, don't you dare drag her into this." He takes a deep breath, and then he looks at her with a irritated face. "Do you really think I'd _like_ to come anywhere close to him? It's Malfoy we're talking about."

"Hm. I wouldn't mention it to her anyway, if I were you." She holds out an arm. "Let's go down before Ron and Blaise totally forget that they're supposed to study."

Draco lies on his bed and watches them leave. When they are gone he buries his face in the pillow, trying to replay what happened. The outburst from Harry is hard to explain, and he can't say that he enjoys being slammed against wall, even if it's Harry doing it. He touches his chest – it's not as bad as it seemed at first, but it is a bit sore. But then... standing pressed up against Harry like that, it was an... interesting situation. On one hand he was dead frightened for Harry to start hitting him black and blue, but on the other hand he couldn't help enjoying being that close to Harry. He suspects that the feeling of Harry's body pressed up against his will be a frequently replayed memory the coming days. And apart from the coming marks on his chest he actually didn't harm him, so it was a mostly a nice experience. Or it would have been if it wasn't for what Harry said before he left. Even though he tells himself not to, he keeps playing Harry's last words in his head, over and over. He wishes they wouldn't hurt that much.

* * *

><p>"Honestly, is it really necessary to repeat it once more? We know the spells well by now, do we really have to know the theory in detail?" Ron whines as they walk through the common room.<p>

"We promised Hermione to do it once more, she'll eat us alive if she gets to know that we skipped the study session." Harry stretches, tired. "Let's go up to the dormitory, it will be quiet and easier to concentrate."

"Sure." Ron sulks. "Just let's get this over with, Blaise wanted to play chess when I was ready, and he's won two times in a row now, I can't let him beat me a third time."

Harry throws an amused look at Ron. "So, you and Blaise finally dropped the last names? It was about time."

"Well, you know, once a snake..."

"I believe I said something about persistence some time ago." He rolls his eyes. "Studies. Come on."

When they reach their dormitory they find that it isn't empty. Draco is lying on his bed, fast asleep. He's on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes and the other resting on the book he had obviously been reading. Harry and Ron look at each other.

"Should we go somewhere else? It doesn't feel nice to wake him up, Malfoy or not." Ron speaks in a hushed voice.

"I guess." Harry imitates Ron's voice level but sends an irritated glare at Draco. "I need to get my things though." He walks over to his bed and starts looking for his books.

Ron sits down on Harry's bed and watches him pack his things. "After we are done, maybe we can – "

A sudden movement makes them look up. Draco has thrown the arm that rested over his eyes down on the bed, but he seems to be asleep still. They looks at him sleeping for a moment, and then he starts to jerk his head from one side to the other, his face distorted in pain. Some distressed sounds escape his mouth.

"He looks like he's having a nightmare." Ron rubs his nose. "Do you think we should wake him up?"

"Yeah, it doesn't look nice." Harry stands up and takes a few steps toward Draco's bed, but stops dead when the distressed sounds turns to pained words, their anguish reflected on his face.

"Harry, no. No, please, no." A sob breaks the words. "Harry, please. I can't – " Another sob breaks free, and tears start to trickle down his cheeks. "Harry..."

Waking up from his frozen position Harry hurriedly takes the last steps and sits down next to Draco, gripping his shoulders and shaking him gently. "Malfoy, wake up, you're dreaming."

Draco's eyes snaps open and his eyes focus on Harry's face. He rises up into half sitting, his hands flying up and grabbing Harry's arms in a tight grip. "Harry, you're..." He blinks, looks around quickly, then looks back to Harry. He gets very pale and lets go of Harry as if he had burnt himself.

Harry lets go of his shoulders and sits back up, watching Draco carefully.

"I..." Draco frantically dries his tears. "I didn't scream, did I?"

"No, you didn't. You did talk though." Harry's voice is soft.

There's an audible intake of breath from Draco and the last hints of colour drain from his face. He looks around and flinches when he sees Ron.

"Um, I was thinking..." Ron stands up. "I'll be in the common room, OK?" He hurries out through the door and is gone.

Draco lays back down and closes his eyes. "What did I say?"

"You said my name. My first name."

"Nothing else?" He still doesn't opens his eyes.

"Well, you were crying and saying things like 'Harry, please, no' or something like that." He looks at Draco's closed eyes and marks of tears. "Malfoy? Were you dreaming about me?"

Draco looks up at Harry. "Potter, stop it. Don't you think this is embarrassing enough?"

"I was just thinking..." Harry places a hand on Draco's hip, tracing figures in the fabric. "I know how it is to have nightmares, and sometimes it helps to talk about them. If you don't think I'm terribly rude for offering something like that when I don't know you at all."

"I don't think you're rude, I think – never mind." Draco tries to ignore Harry's hand and starts to examine one of his nails.

"So, do you want me to listen?"

When Draco turns his face up again his eyes are big and haunted, and his voice is low. "No. No, I can't talk about that dream."

"I won't pretend that I'm not curious about what you dreamt about me." Harry looks at him with a thoughtful expression. "You are a strange person."

Draco seems to recover from crying and his face becomes defensive. "I told you I won't tell you, and thanks for the marvellous compliment."

"I didn't mean it that way. It's just... just when I think I have you figured out you show up and prove me wrong. Time after time." Harry reaches out, and Draco feels his breathing stop when Harry slowly and distracted traces the buttoning of his shirt.

Draco thinks that he will go insane soon. Harry is sitting so close that he can feel his body heat against his leg, and it's close to all he can take just after waking up from the dream. He wants to lash out and tell Harry to get the hell out of here, but this soft discussion is too bittersweet to end. Right now his urge to pull Harry down on the bed next to him is almost overwhelming, and he feels himself getting defensive in a desperate attempt to keep control. And then Harry admits that he's thinking of Draco, trying to figure him out, just finishing it off with that touch. Draco closes his eyes and focuses on his breath for some time before he turns back to Harry, a burning ache growing in his chest.

"This is very strange. But I suppose after you walk out of that door everything will go back to normal." Draco forces the sentence to be a statement and not a plea for the opposite.

Harry smiles a small uneven smile that hits Draco with equal parts pain and pleasure. "Yeah, I suppose so." He stands up and looks down at him. "I hope you feel better now." He starts to walk away, but stops halfway to the door. "And I think your dream will keep me curious, so if you ever decide that you want to tell me, I'll be listening." He nods and leaves the room.

Draco rolls over and hides his face in his pillow. At night the silencing charm is his best friend, but he hadn't planned on falling asleep, and when he did anyway the dream came. Of course. And it's just his luck that Harry would be there. He pulls a face into the pillow, but admits to himself that it was the best way to wake up so far. As soon as he opened his eyes he had proof that Harry was there, he wasn't dead in a raging fire. He thinks about the way he clung to Harry, and he wonders what Harry was able to read in his eyes then. But the absent-minded touches, sure he wouldn't have done something like that if he had seen something that repulsed him? And yes, the touches. The hand on the hip could have been innocent enough, but the shirt-thing? He would give a lot to know what Harry was thinking when he did that. No, even if he doesn't like Draco, he clearly doesn't find him repulsive, at least. He takes that thought and together with the feeling of Harry's casual touches he puts it away for a later, blissful examination.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

* * *

><p>Ravenclaw Quidditch team has practice, and Harry and Blaise have climbed the stands to watch them. Harry is interested in seeing how their new Seeker does, while Blaise is taking an opportunity to get away from the books. Their discussion is light and not really engaged.<p>

"So I really start to think that maybe blonde girls just are better kissers than dark haired ones." Blaise rubs his knee with a distracted hand.

Harry lets his eyes leave the Seeker and turns to Blaise. "That's just rubbish, and you know it. Sometimes your speculations about girls just turn to idiocy."

"You can't blame me, kissing is a serious issue."

Harry snorts and turns his attention back to the Seeker.

Blaise leans back, watching one of the Beaters zooming past them. "Have you ever kissed a boy?"

Harry splutters and stares at him. "Have I ever done what?"

"I take that as a no." Blaise inspects his thumb. "Or as a tightly sealed secret. Which is it?"

"I have never kissed a boy, no." Harry looks shocked.

"But you must have thought about it? What it would feel like, if it would be different, if you would like it or not." He lifts an eyebrow at Harry.

"That's not really things I go around thinking about. If I don't even like to kiss my attractive girlfriend, why would I like to kiss a _boy_?" Harry's voice is slightly bitter.

"You won't know if you don't try, right?"

"I don't get it, why would I even kiss a boy in the first place?"

Blaise watches the Keeper missing the Quaffle again. "Curiosity? Out of a sense of fairness, giving kissing a last chance before you rule it out as forever boring? Because I recommend it to you?"

"Why would you recommend it? Have _you_ ever kissed a boy?" Harry frowns.

"Of course I have. Do I look like a person who backs off from new experiences to you?" Blaise gives him an almost-smirk.

"Oh." Harry looks at him and chews on his lip. "Well, did you? Did you like it?"

"Not really. It wasn't like there was anything wrong with it, technically, but it didn't really felt right for me. I'm a bit disappointed actually, imagine how much better my chances would be of finding someone if I could look among the boys too." He winks.

There's a deep frown on Harry's face. "So what you're saying is that you think I should find a boy who doesn't punch me in the face when I kiss him?"

"Well, it's always a better experience if you're not getting hit for doing it." Blaise smiles amusedly at him.

"And I guess that you can't tell me how to find out who those are?" He shakes his head. "I don't know why I'm even having this discussion. I probably won't like it anyway."

"That, my friend, is something that you'll never find out if you don't try it." With a tilt of his head Blaise gives Harry a questioning look. "Just give it a try, what is there to lose?" He realizes something. "But hey, don't look at me! I will not kiss you, not a chance. Not that I think you're a terribly unattractive man, I just don't think it could happen without making our friendship a bit strained."

Harry barely listens, immersed in thoughts. When he looks up he's wearing a frown and a thoughtful expression. "How is it? How does it feel?"

"Um. Not really the same as with a girl. There's a totally different body you're close to, a boy doesn't feel the same as a girl to hold. You'll see what I mean. But some of it is the same of course. The technique is the same, and there isn't really any difference between a girl's and a boy's mouth. Most difference is the feeling. All the time you know that it's a boy you are with, not a girl. It makes it different. So I guess it is the same – but different."

"Enlightening." Harry sounds sarcastic, but he can't hide a flicker of interest in his eyes.

"Well, some things are hard to explain, you have to try it yourself to understand. Wouldn't it be nice if you found out how kissing is really supposed to be?" Blaise's smile is encouraging.

"Oh no, not one of these again. I don't mean to offend you, but the thing about being in love didn't sound that believable. All that thinking about them all the time, how their presence, words and looks make things different and make you feel things... What else was there? Yes, want to be close and something about kisses. Honestly, that sounds more like me and Malfoy than me and Ginny. If you take away the kissing part and allow the close contact to be a punch in the face. At least if you believe Hermione."

Blaise stares at him.

"Well, our sixth year I was so sure Malfoy was up to something, so I always kept an eye on him. I have some special methods." Harry smirks. "Hermione said that I was obsessed with him, but it turned out that I was right after all, he _was_ up to no good." He shrugs. "I guess that it has turned into a habit, I'm used to keeping an eye on him now." For a moment he stops and thinks, then a weak smile takes place on his face. "And he definitely makes me feel things. Strong feelings. Feelings I can't describe. Feelings that makes me want to hit him hard." He shakes his head. "No one provokes me like he do. He has made it to an art."

"Let's not give this interpretation to Draco." Blaise smiles a small amused smile. "He would be so full of himself if it turned out that the Saviour had the hots for him."

"Oh, shut up." Harry makes a face at him.

Blaise laughs.

"You're a pain." Harry tries to look serious. "And Malfoy is an even bigger pain."

Giving Harry a soft punch on the arm Blaise nods at the game. "Watch out, something is happening."

Harry looks up in time to see the new Seeker make a spectacular dive from which she soon rises, the Snitch clutched in her hand. Ten minutes later the captain decides that the practice is over, and the players land on the pitch.

"I'm going to go and talk with the Seeker, she did some really good manoeuvres." Harry stands up to go down to the players.

"Do that. Just don't scare the crap out of her." Blaise smiles, amused.

"Of course not." Harry frowns and looks confused. "Why would I do that?"

Blaise sighs. "I think we have had this discussion before, but you are the best Seeker Hogwarts has seen in a long time. You have quite a reputation when it comes to Quidditch." He tilts his head. "Well, you have quite a reputation. And she's just thirteen, go easy on her."

Harry mutters something, but turns and walks down the stairs.

Blaise watches him go, thinking about some of the things that were said. So that's the way it is. Harry may think it's not believable, but _"that sounds more like me and Malfoy than me and Ginny"_, well, isn't that interesting? And what was the rest? _"And he __definitely__ makes me feel things. Strong feelings. Feelings I can't describe."_ This certainly gives him something to think about, because there's an interesting conclusion to draw from that. Harry and Draco? Yes, he can see that happen.

oOo

It was just as bad as Blaise predicted. When Harry first approached the girl and greeted her she dropped her broom and just stared at him. He is proud of the patience he showed her, giving her time to compose herself before asking a pretty easy technical question that made her light up and start talking. After a while they could go on to talking about today's game and her strengths and weaknesses. She turned out to be a bright girl who was keen to learn more, and he thought she would burst from pride when he complimented her in front of two of her team mates. After that he encouraged her to talk to him if she had any questions, something that he doubts she will find the courage to do, before he left them and started to walk up to the castle.

And now Harry is left alone with his thoughts. He turns the words Blaise said over in his head. Kiss a boy? Would it really be different? Thinking about it he has to admit that it's not a repulsive thought, he could probably do it if he wanted to. Not that he wants to, why should he? Curiosity, Blaise said. Yes, he has to admit that he might be a tiny bit curious. That doesn't have to mean anything, right? What was it more? Giving kissing a fair chance. So far kisses haven't given him much, he doesn't feel any reason to be fair. _"Because I recommend it to you."_ Blaise think he should do it. To try it out for himself. If Blaise has done it, he can do it too, can't he? And yes, there is that nagging feeling inside that persistently wonders how it would feel, if it would be different. If it would be good.

* * *

><p>Harry would never admit it, but after his and Blaise's discussion he had been even more aware of how very boring it is to kiss Ginny. It scares him, so he tries not to think about it, and instead he does his best to evade situations where there will be kissing involved. It's just unfortunate that Ginny reacts to the lack of kisses, and since she's a resourceful girl she decides to solve the problem on her own. That's the reason why Harry now finds himself locked in a classroom with no one but his girlfriend, and at least another hour before his meeting with Blaise gives him a reason to sneak out of there. And Ginny's intentions seem pretty clear.<p>

"Well, at last we're alone together." She walks up to him and puts her arms around his neck. "And no one will find us here, no one walks around checking old classrooms before curfew. You can relax." She presses a soft kiss to his lips. "You are glad to be here with me, aren't you?"

"Yes, yes of course I am." He hurries to put his arms around her waist.

She initiates a long kiss, and when she's pulling back she's slightly flushed. "You see, when there is no audience there is no reason to think of that awful Malfoy." She winks at him and smiles affectionate.

"He's actually not that awful any more." Harry throws himself over the hint of another course of action. "He's strange and irritating, but not really awful."

Ginny groans. "Harry, I couldn't be less interested in Malfoy right now."

"What, you were the one bringing him up." Harry frowns.

"Heaven, all deities and some of their grandmothers, _why_ would I be interested in actually talking about that lowlife when we are together, alone, finally?" Her mouth grows hard. "Sometimes I think you're just tired of me but too over-considerate to say something."

Harry hurries to stroke her back. "No, of course not. I love you, you know that."

"Oh. Yes." She blushes and her face glows with happiness. "I love you too. To be with you makes me so happy, I can't believe how lucky I am. It's not as if you haven't got loads of other girls to choose from."

"What do you mean by that?" Harry stiffens up.

"Well, you _are_ The Saviour of the Wizard World. Almost every girl wants you, in secret or openly, but I'm the one who got you."

Harry slowly but firmly gets himself out of Ginny's embrace, and his voice is strained when he talks. "Are you telling me that the one you want is the great hero with the shining reputation? That you want me because I'm _famous_?" He spits out the last word.

"Oh, no, Harry, not at all." Ginny's eyes grow big. "It has nothing to do with you defeating You-Know-Who, I've been in love with you for ages, you know that. Since I first saw you I guess you could say."

"Yes, I know about that time." Harry's face gets grim. "You don't know that, but I actually heard you talking about me on the platform that first time we met. I heard you beg your mother to be allowed to board the train, just to look at me. To gawk at me as if I was an animal at the zoo. Much more interested in admiring my fame than showing some decency to a fellow human being."

Ginny's face falls. "Harry, I was just..."

"So _this_ is what it all has been about? The famous Harry Potter?" His eyes narrow. "Can I really have misjudged you that badly?"

"No, Harry, stop it!" Anger dawns in Ginny's eyes. "Do you really think I would have endured all your stupid whims if I didn't love you? Lived with your bad behaviour and strange quirks?"

"What?" Harry explodes. "Well, I guess being the girlfriend of a celebrity makes it all worth it."

"You're not listening – "

"Yes, I'm listening! You think I'm some terrible pain you have to live with, and then you want me to believe that you're such a saint that you endure all that and just love me." Harry's fists are clenched and his face furious.

"That's not what I said! But can you blame me for being irritated when you insist on talking about filthy Malfoy when without a doubt you should be thinking of your girlfriend?"

"He's not filthy!"

"I don't believe you!" Ginny is just as furious, but slightly astonished. "Even now you choose to focus on him. Even to defend him." She puts her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes. "You better watch it."

"I better watch it? _I_ better watch it? I'm not the fucking groupie here!"

There's a smacking sound and Harry's cheek starts to burn where Ginny's hand slapped him. He stares at her in disbelief.

"Harry Potter, there are limits to what you can say, famous or not." Ginny pants slightly, her face murderous. "Just get out of my sight."

He stares at her some more, then he shakes his head in disgust. "I wouldn't want to stay here a second more anyway." He walks out the door and turns for the Entrance Hall, he has to get some air or he will just explode. Why does Ginny have to be such a pain?

oOo

Draco thinks about what Pansy said to him, and it doesn't feel as solid any more. When she was next to him, holding his hand and coming with encouraging suggestions, everything felt so much easier. But he has made his decision, it's now or never. He has done the deal with Blaise again, he will make sure Weasley stays out of the dormitory until Draco or Harry comes down. He walks back and forth in the room, Harry should be here now. He's supposed to meet Blaise, who by now will be immersed in a thrilling game of chess. Hopefully he will come to the dormitory then, and Draco will have his chance. Just ask him for a minute of his time and say the words. 'I'm sorry.' How hard can it be?

When Harry enters fifteens minutes later he brings with him a scent of outdoors, and he walks straight to his bed and throws himself on it. Draco slowly moves closer.

"Um, Potter?"

"What?" Harry glares at him.

Uh uh. Not good. Another day, obviously. "Nothing. We can take it another day." He turns and starts to walk for the door.

"Hey!" Harry sits up on his bed, a frown on his face. "Malfoy, come back here."

"Really, it was nothing..." Draco slowly walks back to Harry's bed.

"Don't give me that, you wanted something. Spit it out." Harry looks impatient.

Draco stares at him, mouth refusing to work. 'I'm sorry.' Just say it. He closes his eyes.

"Stop it. Just say what you want and get out of here. I'm really not in mood for your games right now."

"I... It's something I should have done long ago. I'm a bit ashamed that it has taken so long, but you have to understand that it's hard for me."

Harry looks at him with an impatient expression and raises an eyebrow.

"I'm... I'm sorry." There. Said.

"Any special reason for that? Or just sorry in general?" Harry seems unimpressed.

Oh no. Time for the really hard part. Better just to try and keep it short and concise. "I acted terribly towards you when we grew up. I said a lot of bad things, and I did even worse things. I'm ashamed of my actions, and I wish there was some way I could make it up to you."

"Done?" Harry's face is cold.

"No. I also want to apologize for what _I_ did in that bathroom. I tried to use an Unforgivable on you, and I have nothing else to blame than that I was very angry and upset, and I thought that I was facing my own death."

"Done now?" He lifts an eyebrow.

Draco nods and stands nervously in silence.

"So, let's see." Harry presses his lips together and regards Draco coldly. "You just walk in here, says 'I'm sorry', and believe that all should be forgiven." He stands up and walks close to Draco. "Do you have any idea how much your funny pranks have hurt me over the years? How angry and frustrated and humiliated I've been?" He makes a disgusted noise. "And you thought I would put that aside, just like that? You're pathetic."

Draco feels how it starts to burn behind his eyelids, this was much worse than he ever imagined. He turns rapidly from Harry and starts towards the door, just in time to hide the first falling tear. When he reaches the door he stops, he can't go down in the common room like this. And he can't stay here with the scornful Harry. He admits that he's out of options when he hears a voice behind him.

"Malfoy." Harry sighs and walks over to Draco, whose back becomes very stiff, and places a hand on his shoulder. "Come back here." His voice is much softer now.

Feeling how even more treacherous tears trickle down his cheeks, Draco just shake his head.

"I didn't mean to..." Harry turns Draco around and falls silent when he see the tears. "Shit, Malfoy, I was an arse. Come and sit down." He steers Draco towards the bed and pushes him down on it, sitting down next to him.

Draco dries his tears the best he can, but his voice still sounds uneven and thick. "I'm so sorry. I want you to know that anyway. I can't change the past, and I was a nightmare, I know."

"Shh, it's all right. You regret what you've done, and that's what's important." He sighs. "I had a row with Ginny earlier and I took it out on you, that was pretty shitty. I'm sorry."

Not daring to look at Harry, Draco focuses on rubbing his fingers, trying to stop a shameful sob from surfacing. Suddenly the reality of his existence comes back to him, his lack of possibilities to build a normal life, the amount of hate he need to endure, and how he'll never be able to have the one he wants. And now Harry is nice to him again, and it doesn't do much to restrain the tears. Having him this near is wonderful, but so painful, since he knows it will never mean the same thing to Harry as it does to him. He wants so badly to reach out for him, but instead he just sits there, a pathetic, crying eighteen years old boy, totally robbed of all his hopes for a future. He starts when a clumsy hand tries to dry his cheek, and he looks up at Harry in surprise.

"Honestly Malfoy, I'm sorry. That was cruel." Harry looks repentant. "I'm very glad for what you said. It surprised me though, I still really can't believe that I heard Draco Malfoy make that kind of apology, but I'm glad to have heard it."

"I think there might be many things about Draco Malfoy that would surprise you." Draco gives Harry a tired look. "The war changed things, some more than others. The summer when the Dark Lord came out in the open again forced me to do some thinking and decide my standpoint. It might surprise you." He observes the wardrobe intently, then shoots a glance at Harry and decides that, while he's talking, he might just as well tell it all. "I don't know if you'll believe me, but I want you to know that after that I never, ever meant you any harm."

There's a surprised sound from Harry who speaks sceptically. "Do you blame me if I doubt that a little bit? I mean, are you trying to tell me that you were on our side ever since the war started? I must say that I doubt that."

"No, that was not what I said. I know what I did and who I worked for. I just want to tell you that all of the time I..." Draco loses his voice. He swallows hard, and when he finds it again it's quiet and strained. "...I always wished that you would succeed."

"I have a hard time believing that." Harry looks at him in something close to curiosity.

Draco closes his eyes. "I know. I understand that." He sighs and turns to Harry. "I was not the one chosen to stand up against the Dark Lord, I was just a pathetic being trying to survive. I did what I had to do to keep myself and my mother alive. But I've lived close to him, I saw what he was like, and I can assure you that if I hadn't made my decision by then, it would have been enough to make me realize that I did not want a world with him as ruler."

"So..." There's a slight sarcasm in Harry's words. "...you wanted me to save you?"

"Yes." Draco curses the damn tears for shining in his eyes, but he is so tired and Harry makes fun of him and the world he has to live in is just too much.

"Malfoy, you're a very strange creature, do you know that?" Harry's face is unreadable, but there is a tenderness in his eyes.

"And most of all..." Draco swallows and throws the caution out the window. "Most of all I wanted for you to survive."

Harry arches an eyebrow and looks at him in surprise. "Why?"

Turning his options over in his head Draco chooses a reasonably safe one. "Because you were the single most important person in the word."

"This had better not turn into some kind of hero worshipping." An irritated frown forms on Harry's face and his eyes narrow slightly.

"No! No, it's not like that." Draco's voice is eager and his eyes honest. "I never saw you as the great Saviour, I only saw you as Harry."

Harry regards him with cautious eyes. "'I only saw you as _Harry_'? Would you care to explain why you keep using my first name?"

"I..." Draco opens his mouth a couple of times, then he closes his eyes for a moment before looking up at Harry. "When we started our sixth year here I knew that I didn't hate you any more. I started to see you as a human being and not the most irritating thing in the world. Being the one I was I had enough insight in what was happening to know what you were up against, and I knew that I would rather get the Cruciatus ten times over than to see you die to the hand of the Dark Lord. Potter was the school-boy who I had taunted for so long, the annoying Gryffindor, the favourite of the wizard world. Harry was the boy inside, the one I never got to know but who was the only one who could make my life better. Harry was the one I refused to identify back in the Manor. Harry was the one who saved me in the fire." He swallows nervously. "And I think I should stop talking now."

"I see." Harry looks at him with a thoughtful expression. "This doesn't sound like the Malfoy I know at all if I should be honest."

Draco mumbles something down at his knees.

"What did you say?"

"I said that maybe you don't know this Malfoy then." Draco's voice is subdued, and is still addressed to his knees.

"Or maybe you are just lying your pants off to look better in my eyes."

"No." Draco looks up with flaming eyes. "I've just told you some of the hardest and most personal parts of my life, and you're accusing me of lying?"

"I'm sorry, but that would be more like the Malfoy I know." Harry has a doubting expression.

"I don't believe you." And damn those tears, but they're back again. "You... you actually think I'm just lying about something like this?" Draco stands up and looks at Harry in equal parts disbelief and despair. "Is it so hard to believe that people grow up? Can't you see that I'm not a fifteen year old brat any more? Are you going to judge me for what I did as a stupid kid forever?" A sob breaks free. "What do you want me to do to get through to you? Beg on my knees?"

When Harry stands up his eyes are clouded with unidentifiable emotions. "No, I don't think I would like that." He reaches out and dries away some of the tears with an unsure thumb. "But what you've told me is pretty heavy stuff. I need some time to process it." He puts a hand on Draco's arm and squeezes it lightly. "Why don't you go to bed? You look utterly worn out and I think you can use some sleep. An extra hour would do you good."

"Yeah, maybe you're right." Draco's voice is tired and a bit hoarse from crying.

"I'll go down to the common room and make sure Ron and Blaise stay there for a bit more, giving you time to go to bed in quiet on your own." He pats Draco on the arm and walks for the door. "See you tomorrow, Malfoy."

"Yeah, tomorrow." Draco watches the door close behind Harry, then he tiredly rubs his face and starts getting ready for bed.

* * *

><p>It's Saturday, and the inhabitants of the second eighth-year boys' dormitory are sitting together in the library, supposedly working on their Potions homework. Only Draco is actually studying though, Blaise is observing two seventh-year Ravenclaw girls two tables away, and Ron is insistently interrupting Harry in a hushed voice. The topic is the upcoming visit to Hogsmeade the same night, the eighth-years have gotten permission to an extra night out, no curfew.<p>

"Come on, mate. Of course you'll have to go." Ron's books lay in front of him, totally forgotten. "You need some time off too."

"I don't know. I mean, Hog's Head?" Harry gives Ron a doubtful look.

"I promise, it will be fun. Just sitting with friends, having a drink and do something else for a while." He waves his quill in the air. "When we are allowed something fun for once, of course you have to take the opportunity."

"I could just take a late night stroll too, and not being out without permission for once. That would be nice. Watch the castle at night, without having to sneak around."

Ron groans. "Harry, everyone will go. More or less. Hey, even Malfoy will come, right Malfoy?"

Draco looks up at the sound of his name, his eyes travelling between Harry and Ron, and then he gives a short nod. "Yes, I will."

"And that was supposed to encourage me to actually go?" There is no malice in his voice though, only an amused smile.

"Well, you can't chicken out where Malfoy stands up, can you?" Ron's voice is teasing and there's an underlying challenge in his words.

There's a quiet laugh from Harry. "You got me. OK, I'll come. But it better be fun."

oOo

They arrived late to Hogsmeade. Blaise had been able to show up with another bottle of whiskey from his mysterious uncle and he insisted that they should share it in the common room before they left. There had been a good feeling in the air, and when they finally left it had been with laughter and lot of chattering. When they arrived at the Hog's Head there was a short uneasy episode where Aberforth refused to serve Draco and Pansy, but after some coaxing from Harry and Ron he agreed to do it, since they were 'in the right company'.

And now sounds are floating back and forth over the table, people are talking, laughing and drinking various amounts of different liquids. It's already after regular curfew, and Ron was right, it is fun. Harry is happy he decided to join in, but now he stands up from the table. "I'm just going for some air, I'll be right back." He feels a bit lightheaded from the whiskey, and though he's not really drunk he feels that it could be good to clear his thoughts for a while. Pausing at the end of the table he looks out over his fellow eighth-years. Michael and Terry are having an intense discussion with Blaise, all three of them consuming good amounts of Firewhiskey. Hermione is placed as far away from Parkinson as possible, talking about something with Seamus and Anthony that makes their eyes slightly bored and glazed over. Parkinson is talking quietly with Greengrass, neither of them drinking anything stronger than Butterbeer. Ron and Justin are having an animated discussion at the bar. It doesn't seem like anyone will even notice that he's gone.

Instead of heading for the door he walks in the other direction, passing the bar and into the corridor leading to the stairs for the second floor. He doesn't walk that far though, halfway is the thing he looks for, the back door. He grins to himself, of course a place like this has a back door. He opens it and steps out in the narrow alley. There's just one problem meeting him though, the alley isn't empty. Obviously there is someone else who thinks that sneaking away for some air in a secluded place is a good idea, and that person is Draco Malfoy. He thinks about turning and go back inside, but realizes that he actually doesn't mind that Draco is there. He closes the door and takes a step out in the alley, turning to Draco, who is watching him intently. He gives Draco a nod, who returns it and then looks the other way. Once again he's aware of how fascinating he is to watch, letting his eyes take in the tense posture of his body and his unreadable profile, the soft tapping of his fingers against his leg and how his eyes sometimes turns to him and hastily away again.

"Trying to clear out some Firewhiskey too?" Harry doesn't know why he starts to talk, but it feels like the right thing to do. Draco blinks and stares at him.

"No, I didn't have any whiskey. It's not a good idea to get drunk in public if you're a Malfoy." His voice is a bit bitter.

"Oh." Harry turns his mind over to find something to say. "You came with us here anyway."

Draco gives him an odd glance. "Yes, I did." He hesitates but then goes on. "And I don't know why, since the best place to be seems to be a cold and deserted alley inhabited by a person who exists to make my life miserable." He snaps his mouth shut and looks away again.

It takes Harry some seconds to process the words. "Hey, I do not! I don't want to make your life miserable."

"Whatever." Draco's face is tired when he shoots a single look Harry's way.

"I've told you that I don't hate you any more, don't you believe me?" There's frustration in Harry's voice. Draco only shrugs.

Harry remember the heated hatred and fighting that used to be there, how in old days he would in this situation only have wanted to punch Malfoy in the face for being irritating. For some reason that's gone now, he doesn't want to hit him any more, and judging by Malfoy's actions lately he's not likely to hit Harry however provoked he gets. Wait, what was that thought? _"I should find a boy who doesn't punch me in the face when I kiss him"_ He blinks, and a feeling of anticipation wakes in his stomach. Maybe it won't count if the other boy doesn't kiss back, which Malfoy obviously won't do, however gay he is. But the temptation is there, and it's only getting stronger. Ever since Blaise talked about kissing a boy it has been in Harry's head all the time, and suddenly he's presented with what seems to be a perfect opportunity. Now all he has to do is convince Malfoy of that too.

"Malfoy?"

Draco doesn't answer, just turns a pair of pained and tired eyes at him. Harry thinks hard about what to say, but being forever a Gryffindor he takes the simplest way out. He quickly closes the space between them, grips Draco's hip with one hand and puts the other behind his neck, pulls him close and presses his lips against Draco's. He feels Draco turn perfectly motionless under his hands, and after some seconds of marvelling over how nice those lips are, and how soft Draco's hair feels under his hand, he pulls back. His heart is beating hard, and a pleasant tickle in his stomach tells him that maybe this wasn't that bad, even if it's not – That's how far he gets before a strong arm is thrown around his waist, pulling him roughly back, and he feels Draco's lips starts to move against his. Tentatively he answers, just to feel a hand moving over his back, pressing him even closer. He registers how his breath quickens, and then there is a hand in his hair and a teasing tongue and he loses the last of his thoughts, just giving in to the kiss. Distantly he's aware of the hands moving over his body, making his heart beat even faster, and he realizes that his own hands are moving over the other boy's body too, undoubtedly liking what they feel. He starts to feel a dizziness that has nothing to do with Firewhiskey, and he enjoys the kiss with a intensity he never expected. If it only was a tenth of this good to kiss Ginny- Ginny. His girlfriend. _"...with the amount of lying you already do to her I would guess on the cheating alternative."_ Blaise's voice burns through him and he freezes. He's cheating on Ginny. Panicking he yanks himself away from Draco, backing off a couple of steps and just stares at him. Draco is panting slightly, his hair is messed up and his eyes a bit unfocused. And why, oh why does Harry think he looks wonderful?

"Malfoy, this never happened!" The panic is clear in his voice, and he clears his throat to get it under control. "You will never talk to anyone about it, understood?"

Draco slowly gets his face under control, showing his usual unreadable mask. "Is that so?"

"Yes! I won't allow you to make this the latest nasty rumour in Hogwarts, you _will_ keep your mouth shut." Harry's face turns pleading. "Please, Malfoy, don't."

"Then why did you kiss me in the first place?" Draco's voice is cold and uninterested.

"I don't know." He rubs his face and a hint of the panic is back. "I guess I was curious. You being a boy I mean. I'm sorry." He swallows, gives Draco a hopeless look and bolts in through the door, back into the pub.

Draco looks after him, staring at the door. "I'm not."

oOo

When Draco finally persuades his legs to start moving again he has already done his best to flatten his hair back to normal, and he realizes that he has to move before the pain in his chest consumes him. He feels his hands shaking when he opens the door, and once he's inside and has made sure that Harry's nowhere to be seen, he heads straight for Pansy. She stands up and drags him over to an empty table, but when he refuses to sit she stands up too, leaning in to him.

"What did you do to Potter? He looked like he had a resurrected Dark Lord proposing to him or something."

Draco groans. "Let's get out of here. Now. Yesterday, preferably."

"I'm just going to get my cloak." She hurries over to the table, whispers something to Daphne and hurries back to Draco. They exit the pub together and starts the walk back to the castle.

"What did Harry do?" Draco looks sideways at Pansy.

"He came in, wide-eyed and obviously stressed out, stopped for a second to say something to Granger and then more or less run out from the place." Pansy looks amused. "What did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything to him." Draco feels how his voice starts to shake when he goes on. "He was the one doing things."

"Oh? Then what did _he_ do?"

Draco swallows. "He... he kissed me."

"What?" Pansy's shout echoes between the houses.

"I'm sure there's someone still asleep if you want to test your vocal levels some more." Draco glares at her.

"Don't be silly." She stares at him. "He actually _kissed_ you? For real?"

"Yes."

"What kind of kiss? I mean, was it like..." Pansy makes a gesture where she puts her hands together fast and then quickly moves them apart again.

"No." Draco looks down in the ground.

"No?" With eyes twinkling Pansy grabs Draco's arm. "Then what? Tell me."

Draco bites his lip. "It was... a very good kiss. Definitely not a quick peck." He sighs. "I would even call it a pretty intense and dedicated kiss."

"Then why do you look like your father has just been elected to be Minister for Magic?" Pansy frowns.

"Because it was all fake." The bitterness in Draco's voice is evident.

"What do you mean with fake? I thought it was a good kiss?"

"Yes, it was a wonderful, perfect kiss, and it was nothing about me at all." Draco looks away from her, staring at a suddenly very interesting tree.

"I don't get it, how could it not have been about you when he was kissing you?" Pansy looks confused and tugs at his arm.

Draco turns back to her, a flicker of anger in his eyes. "Because he was only experimenting, Pansy. Any boy would have worked, I just happened to be the one he got alone with."

"You can't know that." She shakes her head.

"Yes I can, because he told me." Draco takes a deep breath. "He told me that he only kissed me because he was curious about kissing a boy, then he apologized and run out of there."

"Oh."

"He actually apologized. He thought it was something bad, something to apologize for." His face is very tired and he looks hopelessly down in the ground. "I'm such a pathetic being."

Pansy walks in silence, thinking. Then she takes his arm. "Now Draco, you will listen to me. There are some questions we need to go through. Don't shake this off as a bad thing."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Draco gives her a suspicious look.

"Well, for one, he wouldn't have kissed anyone, right? However curious he was he would never have kissed someone who he found unattractive. He obviously doesn't find you repulsive."

"I guess that's true." There's the shadow of a smile on Draco's face.

"And the more important one, why was the kiss so good? Because you both enjoyed it. Whatever reason he could ever tell you for kissing you, we can't deny that he obviously liked to kiss you. A lot if I understand you correctly."

Draco thinks for a moment. "You know, I think he really did. I didn't think of it that way."

"That's why you have me." Pansy smirks.

"So, whatever else may happen, I've still kissed Harry – and he liked it!" Draco looks a bit less down.

"Exactly. And that takes us to the final double question. Why would Potter be curious about kissing boys in the first place, and even more interesting, what does it mean now when he actually like it?"

Draco's eyes grow big. "Pansy... Do you think..."

"...that maybe our Saviour isn't as straight as he seems? Yes, that's what I think." She smiles at him. "I told you it wasn't hopeless. Look where we stood yesterday, and where we stand today. Yesterday you knew that Potter was perfectly straight, committed to his girlfriend and content with that life. Today you know that he sneaks away from said girlfriend to secretly kiss boys, and that he enjoys it. Where do you think we will stand tomorrow?"

"Sometimes I think you are a bit too optimistic." Draco gives her a doubting look.

"Sometimes I think you see everything in black." She delivers a sweet smile.

"Well, maybe you're right, maybe he isn't as straight as I thought." He sighs. "You have no idea how much I wish that our kiss meant anything else to him than just a stupid experiment. It felt like it was more, for a second it really was like he wanted _me_."

"Don't give up, we still have a lot of time to get him to see why you two are the perfect match." Pansy nods. "And now he knows that you're a really good kisser."

Draco snorts. "What do you suggest that I do? Walk up to him and offer him more kisses that means nothing to him?"

"Maybe not the best alternative. I just meant that by now he knows that you're a thinking, feeling human being – and a good kisser. Oh." She looks up at him. "Draco, does he know that you are gay? It can be pretty important."

"I don't know, and I think it can be hard to slip into our frequent conversation. 'Can you pass me the salt please? And by the way, I'm gay.' I can't see that work." Draco shakes his head.

"Well..." Pansy purses her lips. "You can always ask Blaise to tell him?"

"Yeah, and that wouldn't be suspicious at all." He glares at her. "I really don't need Blaise to know about my feelings for Harry, I like him, but he's not that trustworthy when it comes to keeping his mouth shut. At least not when it comes to the people close to him. Go figure what would happen if he told Harry about my feelings now."

"No, maybe not now. I think it's too early to tell Potter." She ignores the glare from Draco. "Well, I can tell Granger, don't you think she would tell him if she got to know?"

"I don't know, she might not think that it's important enough to tell him." Draco looks resigned.

"Oh, all right, be like that. Just put a note under his pillow saying 'Draco Malfoy is gay.' then."

"I really hope you're joking." He looks at her in disgust.

She gives him a dazzling smile. "Don't worry, I won't deliver any anonymous notes to the boy's dormitory." She tilts her head. "And I have an idea."

"Let's hear."

"When I talk to Blaise I let slip that none of the girls knows that Daphne has different preferences, and then I ask him if the guys in his dormitory know about you. It's easy and it won't be the least suspicious." Pansy nods. "If I start it with whining about Granger, and then making fun of her for not knowing about you I think it will be completely safe."

"You know, I think it could work." Draco gives her an impressed look.

"Of course it will, it was my idea." She smiles satisfied. "And now I want you to do something for me."

Draco looks at her with a suspicious expression. "What?"

"When we get back I want you to go straight to bed and lay down and think. Think about the kiss, and enjoy it, every second of it. Think about how wonderful it was and try to relive it. Then fall asleep to those delightful thoughts, that and knowing that you gave Potter the kiss of his life."

"Pansy, you are..." Draco smiles weakly and shakes his head. "...fantastic. Thanks."

She leans in and places a kiss on Draco's cheek. "You're welcome."

oOo

Harry hurries through the mostly empty castle, as fast as he can without actually running. He's not sure how he got here, only that he left Malfoy in the alley, mumbled something to Hermione about leaving and then set off for Hogwarts. Feeling his stomach clench he forces away the thought of Draco in the alley. All he wants right now is to make it to his dormitory, get into bed as soon as possible, close the curtains and hide from the world outside. He swallows nervously at the thought of meeting Ginny now; he's sure that the kiss must be written all over his face for her to see. He almost breaks into a run when he sees the entrance to the eighth-years' common room, and soon he's heading for the stairs to his, blissfully empty, dormitory. Quickly he undresses, readies himself for bed in an unusually short time, and finally he can close the curtains around him. Feeling how his eyes start to burn he adds a silencing charm to be on the safe side, and then hides his face in the pillow, letting the thoughts surface again. First comes the three Dracos. The surprised, almost scared one, just before Harry kissed him. The second, wonderful image of the kissed Draco, his eyes, his mouth, his face, everything about him appealing and attractive. Finally there is the Draco after Harry apologized and right before he ran out of there. There is no anger, no embarrassment, none of the feelings that should be there, just pain and blank despair. He stays at that face a bit longer, wishing he could do something to make that pitiful expression disappear. And after that comes the kiss. He turns over on his back, and with his eyes closed he tries to relive it all. Draco's body pressed against his, his body under Harry's hands. His lips, his tongue, his hands touching Harry in just the way he now realizes that he wants to be touched. The feeling of just wanting to be even closer, to have more, and fully content with just standing there forever. And then the bliss splinters when Ginny's name enters. With great effort he pushes Ginny out of the picture, there's a lot of shame and guilt waiting for him down that road, but right now he has more important things to figure out. He thinks of the enjoyment of the kiss, and repeats Blaise's words. _"You won't know if you don't try, right?"_ Well, now he has tried, and he know that he liked it. More than any other kiss, ever. More than any kiss with a girl. And where does that leave him, a boy who prefers to kiss other boys instead of girls? _"There's nothing strange with being gay."_ This is not happening, it can't be happening, not to him. He has a perfectly good relationship with Ginny, the girl he loves and who he is going to marry. Then he can't be... he's normal, he know he is. He thinks of Ginny, of her happy face and her joyful laugh. Of her kisses and tentative, soft hands. Why doesn't it make him feel something? Then he thinks of the meeting with Draco, the determined hands and perfectly fitting body, the glorious kiss. This is where the tears start to fall at last, and he curls up on the side, just letting them fall. He knows he's normal, there will be no kissing with anyone but Ginny, but he wishes so much that it hurts to be able to get another kiss like that. He cries helplessly until he finally falls asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

* * *

><p>The eighth-years have just returned to their common room after dinner, and Blaise reluctantly takes out his books to start on his homework. He has just started to read up on memory charms when he hears a voice next to him.<p>

"Blaise, can we talk?" Harry looks nervous and hesitant.

"Finally!" Blaise throws his hands in the air. "That was about bloody time."

"Um, what?"

"You've been looking like hell the last few days. An educated guess would be that you skipped sleeping and used the time for even more brooding over god knows what. Whatever has been consuming your mind lately has to come out sooner or later, and I was starting to be afraid that it would be even later." Blaise shuts his book and puts it in his bag. "Quidditch stands?"

"Yeah, I suppose so." Harry seems a bit taken aback. "I mean, yes, I think that will be a good idea."

They walk to the Quidditch pitch, Blaise happily talking about this and that and Harry is nodding and humming as answer where it's needed. When they are safely high up and away from others Blaise sits down and indicates a seat for Harry.

"Now, what's been eating you?"

"Um..." Harry looks down at his shoes, a hint of panic in his eyes.

"OK, let's do it this way. When did this all start? Sunday?" Blaise sounds calm and effective.

"Saturday." Harry keeps staring at his shoes.

"Well, what happened Saturday?" When there is no response Blaise goes on. "You were normal when we were doing Potions, so it has to be later. The excursion to Hog's Head maybe? What did you see or hear that freaked you out this much?"

Harry groans and hides his face in his hands, mumbling through his fingers. "It wasn't that much seeing or hearing as much as doing..."

"Now we're getting somewhere. Either you or someone else did something to make you this upset." Blaise nods.

There's a deep sigh from Harry and he looks up, panic and despair in his eyes. "Yes and no. And try both."

"Oh!" Blaise sits up. "Now it's getting interesting. What did you and the other person do?"

"We were..." Harry rubs his face. "...kissing."

"I _told_ you, kissing is serious business. Who did you kiss?" Blaise thinks for a moment. "And since I assume that it's not girl Weasley I promise I will not letting her know."

"Can we keep Ginny out of this? It's hard enough without her." Harry sounds tired.

Blaise looks surprised. "Oh, I thought... Never mind, who did you kiss?"

Harry folds his arms on his knees, hiding his face in them. He has to repeat himself for Blaise to hear him. "Malfoy."

"I see." Blaise nods. "You kissed Draco." He rubs his chin. "Did you do it because we had talked about what it's like to kiss a boy or was there some other reason?"

"What other reason could there be?" Harry looks up.

"Mm... I can think of a couple of probable scenarios, but never mind that. You've tried kissing a boy. Now tell me, how was it?"

"Oh god." Harry swallows and closes his eyes.

"That indicates that it was either pretty good or a total disaster. Which was it?" Blaise sounds calm but a tiny bit curious.

Harry looks at him in deepest despair, and his voice is barely audible. "It was wonderful. Perfect. I've never felt anything like that."

"And what is the reason that you don't enjoy that memory, but rather walk around like You-Know-Who has come back and asked you to dinner?"

"Blaise, he's a boy." Harry sounds pained.

"I'm aware of that." Blaise tilts his head. "Is that bad?"

"Yes! I have a lovely girlfriend, the girl I love and am going to marry and spend my life with. I'm supposed to be dizzy from her kisses, not Malfoy's." He breathes deep and visibly tries to fight down the panic. "This is so very, very bad."

"Harry..." Blaise seems to choose his words carefully. "Are you sure you are happy with girl Weasley?"

"Of course I am!" The words come fast and angry.

"Really? Not just happy, but the happiest you can possibly be?" Blaise watches him closely.

"I don't know what you are fishing after, but Ginny and I are perfectly happy. We've been supposed to be together for years, everyone knows that we two belong together. I love her. She loves me. What else is there to say?"

"Well." Blaise tries to hide his disbelief. "We can start with the fact that you don't even like to kiss her?"

"So what, everything isn't perfect, but I doubt that you can find a couple where all is bright and shiny." Harry shoots out his chin a bit. "We are happy enough."

"Harry, have you ever, and this is just a simple question, ever thought that girl Weasley might not be the right for you?" A hint of irritation can be seen on Blaise's face.

"Of course she's right for me. She is everything I could ever need."

"Yeah, except that she's not a boy." Blaise's voice is now clearly irritated.

Harry stands up. "Look here. I'm not sure what you're playing at, but don't you even try to tell me something like that I could be gay, because I'm not. I was the strange freak when I was a child, then I became The Boy Who Lived and everyone gawked at me, after that I became The Chosen One, the very special boy who was destined to slay Voldemort. All that is over now, and I just want to be normal. And that's what I'm going to be. I'm going to marry the girl of my dreams, have a nice little family and an ordinary job, just like everyone else."

"Harry, it doesn't work that way." Blaise sighs.

"I'm done listening to you. See you back at the common room." Harry turns and heads for the stairs.

Blaise stays behind after Harry has left, thinking. Maybe this didn't work out that good, but it's a start. Now he just have to determine if Harry would have reacted that strongly on any boy or if it actually was Draco specifically. It might take some time though, he didn't really seem in the mood for talking when he left. He sighs. Hello Harry, can you spell denial?

oOo

Harry doesn't go back to the tower at once, he's not really in the mood for what might meet him there. He just can't find the energy to listen to Hermione and Ron bickering, and every now and then they insist on asking if he feels all right. He doesn't want to talk. And most of all he doesn't want to talk to Malfoy. Thankfully he doesn't seem to want to talk to Harry either, and it seems like he has kept his mouth shut. Still Harry is a bit afraid to be left alone with him. And it's only because he might want to talk, nothing else.

Intending to just take a short walk and clear his head, while he most certainly is not thinking about if Ginny is a girl or a boy and what that could mean, Harry finds that he's been out for hours and will very soon have broken curfew. He makes his way through the castle without a problem though, and when he enters the common room he finds everything as usual. Hermione is reading close to the fire, and Blaise and Ron are absorbed in another one in their never ending line of chess games. Not wanting to be met of the flood of questions that sure will come if they see him, he quietly heads directly for his dormitory. He sneaks up the stairs and is just about to slide inside the room when something catches his eye: the room isn't empty. Draco is standing next to his bed, throwing his tie on the bed with a thoughtful expression. Harry knows that he should go back down to the common room quick, before Draco realizes that he is there, but for some reason he can't move. Standing in the shadow of the door he watches Draco unbuttoning his shirt, and he feels how his heart starts to beat faster. There's a painful jab of guilt in his chest when the shirt is off and he can see the scar, but the guilt soon makes place for another feeling, something warm he really can't put a name on. He stands in silence and just watches the strange creature that is Malfoy as he walks over to the wardrobe, runs a hand through his usually so well kept hair, stops and yawns while stretching his arms out. When he starts to unbutton his trousers Harry must have made some sound, because he swirls around and stares at him. Harry's legs have stopped working, his brain has stopped working, everything that exist right now is the sight that is coming closer to him, the tousled hair, the naked chest, the trousers hanging on the hips... suddenly it's almost hard to breathe.

"Potter?" Draco stops at the middle of the room, wearing a wary expression.

"I..." Harry clears his throat. "I think I left a book in the common room." With that he turns around and flees.

* * *

><p>Harry and Blaise sits together in Charms, listening to Professor Flitwick's instructions concerning a report they're supposed to write.<p>

"You must pick a topic relevant to the area we're covering right now, and use the rest of class to write a outline of the report. The outline should be ready and on my desk before the bell rings, and you will get them back tomorrow. If they are accepted you can start on your report, if they don't pass you will have to do it again. In that case you hand it in as soon as possible and you'll get it back next day, giving you one day less to write your report. Are you all clear with the procedure?" He looks around at the class who nods and mumbles affirmative. "Good. I want you to work in threes on this, so if you divide yourself into groups you're ready to start."

Harry groans. "Too bad Hermione is already taken." He looks over to where Ron is glued to her side.

"I know the second best." Blaise nods. "Draco! Come over here." When Draco just stares at him he clarifies himself. "Take your books and get over here, we need a third."

Draco collects his books in silence and walks slowly over to the other boys. He nods at Harry when he sits down, then taking out his books, including a couple of library books.

"You're prepared I can see." Blaise indicates the books. "Well, what should we write about?"

Harry shrugs, but Draco speaks up. "I suggest the Fidelius charm. It's a strong protective charm and there's a lot of information available about it. It's simple enough in it's function to make an easy presentation, but complicated enough in the mechanisms to give a lot to work with." He shoots a short glance at Harry, and his voice drops slightly in volume. "And I don't think it will hurt that we have a member in the group who I'm pretty sure has first hand experience of it."

"You've visited a Fidelius? Sweet!" Giving Harry an appreciative look Blaise opens his books.

Harry nervously bites his lip, obviously undecided, before he gives up. "How did you know?" He looks tentatively at Draco.

There's a bitter note in Draco's voice, and he doesn't meet Harry's eyes. "You're forgetting where I was back then. You have no idea how much the hidden location of the headquarters infuriated the Death Eaters."

"It's a strange place. I'm still not really sure how I feel about being there." Harry plays with one of his books with a thoughtful expression.

"You still go there?" Lifting an eyebrow Draco looks at Harry.

"Of course I do, it is... oh." Harry looks up and meets Draco's eyes. "You still don't know where it is."

"How could I, it's under Fidelius, remember?" Draco sighs impatiently.

"I thought... I thought it was lifted when the Secret Keeper died."

Draco rolls his eyes. "It seems like some of us really could use some more study of the Fidelius charm. When the Secret Keeper dies the secret goes on to those next in line, those who know about it. You're a Secret Keeper now."

"I am?" Harry's eyes grow wide.

"Perfect!" Blaise beams. "Having a Secret Keeper in the group is even better. Let's get started. Not that your discussion isn't fascinating, but I'd really like to get the outline done today."

"I never thought I would see the day when you were the one urging people to study." Draco smirks at him.

"Quiet, you. Now, what do you want us to do?" Blaise watches Draco taking command, suggesting chapters to read and argue for his ideas. He was right, having Draco in the group is doing their work loads of good. And the fact that those two are talking to each other is a good sign, at the beginning he was afraid that all the communication would go through him. But as soon as the initial awkwardness was over they slowly started to talk like normal beings, and now they are discussing the outline with great interest. It is amusing though to see how Harry sits staring at Draco when he thinks no one is noticing, and interesting how Draco keeps sending intense glances back when Harry is immersed in something else. Maybe this won't be that hard after all. He hides a smile when both Harry and Draco reaches for a book and the same time, and they both yanks their hands back when they unintentionally touch each other. If Blaise isn't facing two boys who intensely wish to repeat the kiss from Hog's Head he will wear a tail the rest of the week.

"Well, I guess I write something about the effect it has next then?" Harry rubs his cheek and leaves a smudge of ink behind.

"No, no, we can't write about effect before we describe the mechanisms, it will just get confusing. Here, look at this." Draco reaches out for the quill Harry is holding, and for a couple of seconds his hand rests on Harry's. They both stop and look up at each other, but then Draco tugs the quill out of his grip and the moment is gone. He takes the, by now pretty messy, piece of parchment they are using as draft and starts to write. "Think about it like this."

Blaise observes and smiles inwardly. It might just be in the aftermath of the kiss, but he's pretty sure that there's some kind of interest from Draco too. This means that there are just two tiny things to get through. Making Draco stop thinking that Harry will bite his head off if he breathes too loud, and get Harry out of denial. Blaise frowns. Maybe it won't be that easy after all. Well, at least they have to work together for the coming week, that's good if nothing else. Making them spend time together is a clearly working first step.

oOo

"That was so not funny." Pansy sighs and looks up at Draco. "Daphne used half of the time to whine about a broken nail, and Finnigan kept talking to Abbot at the desk next to ours. I swear I did three quarters of that stupid outline on my own."

"Mm." Draco's eyes are fixed on the floor while walking.

"You on the other hand got to work with Potter. I thought it looked like it was going well." She pokes Draco's arm.

"Yes, it was really nice. He just was a bit strange sometimes." He lowers his voice. "I just can't figure out what he thinks about what happened last week. Sometimes he seems like nothing has happened at all, and others he's acting... strange."

"What do you mean with strange?" She frowns.

"When it comes to anything that's not school work he gets very reserved, sometimes he almost looks scared of me." Draco gets thoughtful. "You should have seen his face the other day. When he wouldn't enter the dormitory when I was there alone."

"You didn't tell me that." The frown turns reproachful. "What happened?"

"Not much. I was getting ready for bed, and when I was half undressed I heard a noise and turned around. Harry was standing half hidden behind the door, just staring at me. When I walked over to him he got that odd, almost scared expression again, and said something about having forgotten a book. Then he just turned on the spot and more or less ran down the stairs."

"He was hidden behind the door, watching you undress?" Pansy stares at him with big eyes.

"No, no, it wasn't like that... I think." A pensive frown forms on his face. "Well, I actually don't know how long he was standing there. But why would he do that? It's not as if I don't undress every day."

"On a usual day he can't stand still and stare at you, your room mates, or you, would see it. And I guess you didn't just shove it off, hidden behind the bed." She looks questioningly at him.

"No, I was doing some other things at the same time I think. But why would he want to look at me in the first place?"

Pansy grins. "To that I have two answers, the first one being that our probably slightly bent Saviour got the opportunity to really observe a naked man. The other one being that said Saviour wanted to observe you specifically."

"That's just stupid. Why would he like to look at _me_?" Draco frowns.

"Maybe because you gave him the kiss of his life? And honestly Draco, you are a very good-looking guy. There's no denying that." She tilts her head. "You never know, maybe he is interested in trying more than kisses."

"Very funny. And I never do that anyway. Being used for kisses is one thing, my self esteem can take that, but I'm not a fucking prostitute." He looks bitter. "Even I have limits."

"Hey, Draco." Pansy's voice is soft, and she places a hand on his arm. "I didn't mean it like that." She gives him a small smile. "You know, there is a third alternative."

"Enlighten me."

"The reason why he looked at you, and got so strange when you spotted him, could be that he actually likes you."

"Don't be stupid. He kissed me and regretted it in the same instant as the kiss was over. He doesn't even like to have me around, and he's not making a secret of it. He doesn't like me more than he likes McGonagall's homework. "

"Maybe he's shy, and that's why he's looking so scared?" Pansy looks hopeful.

"We're talking about Harry Potter here, the man that faced the Dark Lord. I highly doubt that he would be scared to face me after that." Draco shakes his head. "No, he just doesn't like me. And why should he? I've treated him so badly during the years..."

"Oh no, we're not getting there again. I'll not have you digging yourself down in depressing thoughts. Think about how nice he has been when it have been just the two of you. Didn't that seem honest and genuine to you?" She fixes her eyes on him.

"Well, yes, it did. He's so strange." He looks down again.

"Isn't it more probable that he was honest then, and the other time he's holding up some kind of façade about being the long time enemy of Draco Malfoy? Maybe he thinks that being the Saviour he can't befriend you openly."

"Maybe he's right?"

"Oh, snap out of it, Draco." She frowns. "He wasn't exactly suffering today. As long as he's in total control he gives you the cold shoulder, but as soon as he gets the tiniest bit distracted he forgets that and is totally amiable towards you. It doesn't take a genius to realize which are his real feelings. Right?"

"Yeah..." He sighs. "Please, Pansy, don't do this to me."

"Don't do what?"

"Give me hope. It will be so much worse when I get proven wrong then. I don't know if I can take that." Draco looks pained and very tired.

Pansy stops and throws her arms around Draco.

"Um, Pansy, you know that we're in the middle of a corridor, right?" He hesitantly puts his arms around her too.

"Yes, I know." She hugs him forcefully. "And I don't care. You needed a hug, badly. I just did what every dedicated friend would have done."

He can't help smiling. "You're wonderful, Pansy. Just wonderful." He slowly untangles himself. "You know that my reputation as gay is irreversibly damaged now? The rumours about us being a couple will be considered confirmed now."

"But I can help you there too." She gives him a radiant smile. "I just paint a sign and pin it on your back, saying 'Yes, it's true, I actually am gay.'."

The corner of Draco's mouth is undoubtedly twitching. "Pansy, what would I do without you?"

"Be a whole lot of more miserable." Pansy glances at him. "And after all you've experienced, you definitely deserve a friend like me. End of discussion."

"I like it how you counter my arguments before I even have said them. Am I that predictable?" He gives her a weak smile.

"I know you by now. And yes, I like you just the way you are, even if I'd like to see you a bit happier."

"I'd like that too. I just don't dare to hope. Hope is dangerous." He gives her a pleading look.

"You can't be sure that things will actually be good, that's true. But you can't be sure that they will be bad either, and that's what you assume all the time. It's not healthy to always presume the worst will happen." She frowns and gives him a worried look.

"But that way I never get disappointed." His lips turn into a thin line.

"You have to take the risk. Allow yourself to hope. It will do you good to have some happy thoughts too up there. Maybe you'll be disappointed, but it's worth it in the long run." She pats his arm. "Everything gets so much easier if you let go of some of those dark thoughts and allow yourself some hope."

"I know, I know. But right now it happens that my life is _pathetic_, and there are far more bad things than good things. I _know_ that thinking about all the bad things that have happened or may happen isn't good for me, but sometimes I just don't want to fight it any more. There isn't any energy left in me to even try to make anything useful out of my life. It feels like living is a battle, and I've already lost."

"Draco..." Pansy stops in the middle of the now almost empty corridor. "I don't like it when you talk like that." She strokes his chest with her fingers with a worried expression. "That you've already lost the battle for your life..."

"I'm not suicidal, Pansy, if that's what you're after. I have done too many bad things to keep myself alive, just to throw it away now." An expression of self-loathing flies over his face. "And I'm a coward, everyone know that. I wouldn't dare."

Her face is still not relieved. "You're also clever enough to never tell me if you got those thoughts. And I know you're not in the best shape to start with. Sorry, but that's true."

"You're a very special person." A sad smile plays on Draco's lips, and he reaches out and strokes Pansy's cheek. "My life is awful, that's no secret. And I know, if I try to think about it logically, that I tend to believe bad things rather than good, that I'm shrinking back from hope, and often thinking of bad things from the past. I admit that I can't see how my life ever will be better, but I'm not planning to end it. That's true too."

"It had better be. I don't even want to imagine how that would be for me." She flattens the sleeve of his shirt under thorough inspection.

"Pansy." He sighs, eyes tired. "This isn't really an uplifting discussion. What about talking about something else, and maybe even get in time for next class?"

"On one condition." She looks very determined.

"Do I dare to ask what?" He looks even more worn and tired.

"If you ever need, if you get those thoughts or other hard ones, promise to come to me. Don't keep it inside alone. Let me do what I can."

He rubs his shoe against the floor, eyes on it. "I don't think I can promise that. Some thoughts are too big and personal, I just can't talk about them. Not just like that at least." He reluctantly looks up her. "I can promise though that I'll come to you if I'm getting thoughts about ending it. Would that be an acceptable compromise?"

"I suppose so." She frowns. "I don't like it, but I can accept it." She sighs and takes his arm, steering him towards next class. "You do know that I'm all troublesome like this because I care, right?"

"I know. Believe it or not, but I appreciate it. It's nice to know that there's someone who cares about you."

"I do, and you deserve it." She pats his arm. "And I can't tell you when or how, but I promise you that your life will be better than it is now. I promise."

* * *

><p>Harry looks at Draco who is lying next to him. He reaches out and slowly runs a hand through that beautiful blond hair, playing with a strand of it, and it's like silk under his hands. Draco smiles at him and strokes a hand over his cheek, then leans in and places a soft, sweet kiss on his lips. Harry feels his breath catch in his chest, and when Draco pulls back he follows, wanting more kisses. The first slow kisses soon turn intense and heated, and through the haze he can feel Draco's hand grasping his hip almost too hard. Holding him close Draco throws his leg over Harry's, pulling him even closer. It's unimaginably wonderful, but after a short while it isn't enough, he wants to be closer. He's surprised to see that his hands don't shake the slightest when he reaches for Draco's shirt and starts to unbutton it. When he has got it open he pulls it down from his shoulders, letting a row of kisses starting at the neck follow the shirt. Draco gasps and obligingly gets himself free from the last of it. While Harry marvels over the half naked body in front of him Draco starts to unbutton his shirt too. Somewhere in the back of his head a voice wonders if he shouldn't be at least a little embarrassed, but all he can think is that he want Draco to hurry up. When he too has got rid of his shirt he pulls Draco closer, needing the skin contact. Their kisses are slow this time, but not less intense. He feels how Draco's hands move over his skin, and a shiver of pleasure works through his body. His own hands move too, and the feeling of Draco's body under his hands is just glorious. Draco leans in and whispers something in his ear that he doesn't comprehend, but he feels a hand moving down his stomach and onto his trousers. A confident hand opens the button and-<p>

Harry's eyes fly open. It takes him a moment to realize that he's lying in his bed in the dormitory, it's the middle of the night and everyone is sleeping. He sits up, trying to get his slightly uneven breath back to normal. Did he just dream about Malfoy? And... a dream like that? Too newly awoken to pretend, he has to admit with slightly blushing cheeks that the dream left him far more aroused than he has been for ages, far, far more than he has ever been with Ginny. In a moment of self-honesty he also admits that if that's how relationship stuff should be he wouldn't be averse. Taking some deep breaths he tries to fight back the arousal and compose his thoughts; everything still feels like he's half asleep. He looks out over the room and the other beds, only Malfoy sleeps with his curtains closed. Malfoy... Harry thinks about the Draco in his dream, the way he smiled, the look in his eyes, that wonderful face. He wants so much to see it again. Looking up again his eyes falls on Draco's bed again. He's inside there, fast asleep like everyone else, his face most likely relaxed and just as amazing as in Harry's dream. He bites his lip and hesitates for a while, but the feelings from the dream are pushing him on, and slowly he gets out of bed. He tiptoes over the floor until he reaches Draco's bed, and there he hesitates again. Then, taking a deep breath, he slowly, slowly lifts one of the curtains. He can barely make out Draco's face in the dark, and he opens the curtain a bit more to get some more light in. Draco lies curled up on the side, facing Harry. His face is open and unfeigned, and it's just as beautiful as Harry remember it from the dream. He has a strong urge to reach out and touch it, but he has just enough wits left to realize how incredible bad it would be if Draco woke up now. He stands there for some time, smiling and looking down on the sleeping boy. At last he tears himself away, puts the curtains back in place and tiptoes back to his own bed. He falls asleep to the picture of Draco's sleeping face.

The next morning when Harry wakes up he has a feeling that something happened during the night, something important. Slowly the dream comes back to him and he turns from blushing to pale and back again. He remembers his arousal, and only thinking about the dream makes it wake up again. The part when he walked over to Malfoy's bed must have been a dream too, and it's not as if he actually wants any of what happened in the dreams, right? But it's very hard to deny how the thoughts of the first dream affects him, and however he tries to explain away the screaming difference from when he is with Ginny, it's no good. A dream about a boy made him far more aroused than being with his girlfriend ever made him. Harry hides his face in his hands, just wanting to cry. It's not fair. After some time he composes himself though, wearing a grim and determined expression. It was just a dream, it was not for real and it doesn't mean anything in the real world. Things get twisted in dreams, everyone knows that. He has a girlfriend that he loves, and that's the only thing that matters now. _"... the fact that you don't even like to kiss her."_ Irritated, he pushes Blaise's unhelpful voice away. It will all work out with time. It has to.

* * *

><p>They're all going to The Burrow for Christmas. Harry is invited of course, and Hermione has chosen to spend Christmas with Ron. The four of them share a pleasant train trip back to London, where they have taken rooms at The Leaky Cauldron, and they will dive into the fury of Christmas shopping in Diagon Alley. If needed they will have a few hours the next day, too, before it's time to leave for The Burrow. When they get off the train and down onto the platform Harry catches a glance of Draco. He looks like he is going to his own execution, and something moves in Harry's chest. He remember the sleeping Draco, which was absolutely a dream, and he doesn't like to see his face like this. As if knowing that he's watched he looks up at Harry, and their eyes meet. And those eyes are so sad, so pained, that Harry wants to go over there and... do something. Anything, just to make it better. For a second he wishes that he could bring him to The Burrow too, but then he comes to his senses and snaps out of his strange thoughts. He nods at Draco, and then turns and listens to Ginny when she chatters about what she's going to give her mother for Christmas. He doesn't know that Draco is watching his back all the way until he leaves the platform and disappears.<p>

The Christmas shopping is a success. They walk in pairs, and swap partner now and then to be able to buy presents for each other. Harry is aware that he's buying more than he should, but he just want to give Ginny all the best. He firmly presses back the thought that this could have something to do with the nagging feeling of guilt he carries around all the time. Every now and then he sees something almost as blond, and it makes him think of the pained Draco at the platform. That makes him think of the sleeping one, which leads further to the dream. The smile, the soft hair, the hands... This is where he wakes up from his daydreaming, remember Ginny, and though he tells himself that a dream means nothing, the guilt comes back in double strength.

They arrives to The Burrow with their purchases and climb the stairs to their rooms. Harry is sleeping in Ron's room and Hermione in Ginny's. When it's bed time there seems to be some changes though. After the house has gotten quiet Ron jumps out of bed, wishing Harry a good night, and disappears out through the door. Feeling confused Harry sits up in his bed, but a short while later there's a creaking floorboard outside, and Ginny slips in and closes the door behind her.

"We thought we should swap places. That way Ron can sleep with Hermione, and I can sleep with you." She sneaks over the floor to Harry's bed. "Move over, these floors are ice cold." She slips down in his bed and moves close to him.

Harry doesn't have to say much. No one asked him if he wanted to have Ginny in his bed, and she doesn't do it either. They all take it for granted that he will think it's a marvellous idea. And why shouldn't he? He's eighteen years old and it's his girlfriend he's talking about, of course it's a brilliant way to solve the sleeping assignment. After some time of unavoidable kissing he manages to convince Ginny that they should sleep, some time later he feels her relax on his arm, and he knows that she's asleep. He's wide awake though, he's almost afraid of falling asleep, what if he dreams again? What if he talks in his sleep? In a half successful attempt at changing the subject he thinks about Malfoy at the train station. His face was so... Harry frowns. Why would the Christmas holidays make him look like Voldemort had been resurrected and was back on track? Once again Harry has the sudden thought that he'd like to bring Malfoy here with him. He bites his lip. That's such an irrational thought. But... It's probably because he's been used to keeping an eye on Malfoy for years, and this school year he has him in sight all night. Yes, it definitely would feel better if Malfoy was lying in another bed in here. Well, he learned the hard way in sixth year that it paid off to keep a close eye on him, it's not so strange that he still feels that way, is it? When he falls asleep at last he dreams that he is at Hogwarts again. It's in the middle of the night, and he know he has to find Draco before it is too late. Finally he turns a corner and sees a familiar back, and when he comes closer Draco turns and smiles his breath-taking smile at him. Harry smiles in his sleep, and pulls the body next to him closer. Sharing a bed has some benefits after all.

The days are fun though, the four of them enjoy their holidays to the fullest. They play games, talk and laugh, and take long walks, to be met later by Molly's spectacular cooking when they come back. Harry relaxes and manages to make his thoughts about Draco a lot less frequent. Everything is actually pretty good, and the nights can usually be forgotten during the day. Usually, but not always.

Harry opens his eyes and blinks. He looks around in the dark room, the fact that it's dark outside doesn't say that much about the time. He watches Ginny who sleeps next to him, and he tries to remember the dream he just had.

He was on Platform nine and three quarters, there were a lot of people, and between them he could see Draco. He wore the same pained expression and he was trying to walk over to Harry, but all the people kept coming in his way. _"Harry, I want you to save me."_ The voice had been begging, and Harry didn't know what to do. Tentatively he took some step towards him, but the distance between them didn't shrink. _"Harry, please."_ Tears started to fall down Draco's cheeks, and it was physically painful to watch him. He tried to call out to Draco, to comfort him in some way, but no sound came out of his mouth. Frustrated he started to run over to him, but however he run, Draco was still at the same distance. He just wanted to yell in frustration, but he was still unable to make any sound. And then Draco slowly started to move backwards, and the pain in his eyes was tinted with despair. The last Harry heard before Draco disappeared amongst all the people was a hopeless voice. _"Then why did you kiss me in the first place?"_

Harry closes his eyes again. What was that supposed to mean? How can he save Draco now? And from what? The anguish and frustration is still present, and he swallows and tries to relax. The last thing he needs right now is for Ginny to wake up and ask him what he dreamt. But Draco's pleading face is still burned into his eyelids, as soon he closes his eyes he sees it again. He still wants to replace it with the smiling face from his earlier dream, but now when he thinks about it he hasn't seen that relaxed, smiling face in... well, probably ever. Why he was pained during the war is easy to see, even easier after the talks he and Draco had, but why is he still so pained? It can't be that miserable being a Malfoy. Harry sighs slowly and carefully. Maybe it's just miserable to be Draco. He doesn't know why he feels so strongly that he wants to do something about it. Maybe it's because it's more fun to share dormitory with someone who smiles instead for that frightened, sad creature that is Malfoy. Yes, that must be it. Harry relaxes and is just about to slip back into sleep when the dream-Draco's last words hits him. _"Then why did you kiss me in the first place?"_ He did kiss Draco Malfoy. What was he thinking? He had cheated on Ginny. Cheated on the beautiful, amazing girl lying beside him. He shouldn't have done it, no amount of curiosity justifies that action. It was wrong to do, but he knows that he doesn't regret it for a second. With big effort he manages to push both the kiss and the dream away, but the guilt won't leave. It stays with him for a long time, until he finally falls asleep.

oOo

Christmas at The Burrow is a warm and noisy event. Percy and George arrive on Christmas Eve, and the eight of them have a nice evening together, and even if Molly comes back from the kitchen with slightly red eyes one time, they keep the conversation away from hard topics. The morning after, Bill and Fleur arrive, and the whole family get to watch Ginny run into the kitchen and thoroughly thank Harry for all her presents. The breakfast is filled with laughter and talking about gifts, Hermione being incredibly proud over the beautiful and tasteful necklace Ron had bought for her. Harry grins to himself, knowing of Ron's clever plan whereby he innocently took Hermione to the shop and in secret showed her to the salesman, and then returning later with Harry, letting the salesman pick the most fitting necklace.

As the day goes on, Molly locks herself up in the kitchen, leaving the others to have a relaxed and joyful Christmas Day. Ginny has been all skittery all day though, as if Christmas Day was something big and exciting, and it makes Harry a bit nervous. If Ginny has plans of some kind it's a good possibility that he will be involved in some way. A bit before dinner Ginny asks Harry to follow her for a walk, and he suspects that he will be initiated in the secret now. They get their clothes and walks outside, soon heading out on the field. When they are a good distance from The Burrow Ginny stops, looking even more nervous.

"Harry, I've been thinking." She swallows, but there is a smile on her lips. "None of us have ever been that conventional, right?"

"Um, yeah I guess." Harry is confused.

"And traditions have always been coming in second hand if anything important needed to be done. Right?" She looks intently at him.

"I guess so." He blinks. What is all this about?

"So..." She takes a deep breath. "I know this is highly unconventional and that this isn't how it's supposed to be, but I think it's important, and sometimes you have to do things other ways." She bites her lips and falls silent.

"Ginny, you're saying a lot of strange things. I think you just should say what it is you want to say instead."

"You're right." Ginny laughs a short, amused laugh. "Well." She takes a deep breath and looks him straight in the eyes. "Harry, do you want to marry me?"

Harry makes some choking sounds. "Ginny, are you _proposing_ to me?"

"Yes." She smiles a tentative smile.

Marrying. Harry knew that this was going to happen sooner or later, but honestly he had hoped for later. He hasn't had enough time to think about this, to get used to the thought. Married. Well, it really doesn't matter, everyone knew that they would be married, it's not as if he has any choice in the matter. He looks at the weakly smiling Ginny in front of him. The rest of his life. He can do a lot worse, and this is what he want, right? He loves Ginny. Rooted in that thought he gives her a wide smile.

"Yes, I want to marry you. Of course I do."

Ginny throws herself around his neck and kisses him forcefully. When she steps back again she has tears in her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too. My soon-to-be-wife."

A joyful laughter rolls over the field. "Let's tell them at dinner, OK?"

"But Ginny, aren't you supposed to have a ring?" Harry frowns. "I haven't got you any."

"Oh, who cares? When we're married you can buy me jewellery if you'd like, but right now it's not really important. You know we're engaged, I know it, we'll tell those who matters to us. We don't need to spend unnecessary money on a stupid piece of metal."

"But the money isn't a problem, you know that I have enough. Don't deny yourself it for that reason."

"No, really, I don't think we need a ring. And in addition to that, if the Saviour starts to shop engagement rings you will never keep it away from the papers." She winks at him.

"I can see that you have your mind set." He smiles at her. "Fine, no ring. But if you change your mind, just tell me."

Ginny takes his arm and they start going back. "Do you have any idea how moronically happy I am right now?"

Harry kisses her on the cheek. "Do you have any idea how happy it makes me to see you like this?"

oOo

The days runs away, and soon it's time to go back to Hogwarts. Harry sits on the train, Ginny's hand in his, and thinks about all that happened. The dinner became an explosion of congratulations and some happy tears. Arthur found an old bottle of something strong and in dark golden colour, which he insisted for everyone have a glass of and make a toast for the young couple. He said that he was saving it for a really special event, and what could be better than the declaration of his only daughter's engagement? Percy and the female part of the table were soon discussing the details, and not before long they had decided that the first Sunday in July would be the day for the wedding. That way they would have time to prepare things at the Easter break, and then giving them time to leave school and make the last things in the end of June. Ginny and Harry both agreed that they wanted a small wedding with just those who were closest to them. Harry was mostly quiet though, he honestly didn't feel that interested.

oOo

Blaise, Draco and Pansy sits at a table in the common room, Blaise and Pansy are doing the last of their homework, and Draco is reluctantly helping them. The room isn't really quiet and nice to work in, Harry has brought his girlfriend, and now the rest of the tower's inhabitants stands around them chattering loudly. Terry breaks out of the group, passing their table.

"Boot, what's happening?" Blaise looks curious.

Terry grins. "They had some good news."

"Care to tell us?" There's an impatient note in Blaise voice.

"They're engaged. Getting married this summer."

A sharp intake of breath can be heard from the table, and Pansy looks at him with big eyes. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I heard them myself." He gives Pansy a suspicious look. "Do you have any problems with that?"

"No, no." She looks at him with a thoughtful expression.

"Thanks for telling us." Blaise stands up. "I think I'm going to congratulate them myself." He leaves Draco and Pansy at the table.

"Isn't it nice to be an outcast." Draco's voice is bitter but shaking slightly.

"Hey, Draco, let's not sit here and watch them. We can go to my dormitory, they're all down here anyway." Pansy puts her hand on his.

They walks up to the girls' room, and they both sits down on Pansy's bed. Draco hides his face in his hands, bowing over to rest his forearms on his legs.

"It's over." He sounds muffled. "All my chances are gone."

"It doesn't have to be so bad. Don't give up." Pansy pats his back.

Draco looks up. "They're _engaged_, Pansy. They are going to get _married_. Be reasonable."

"Well..." She chews on her lip. "But you know, there are a lot of other guys out there."

"But I don't want anyone else." His voice is slightly uneven. "I only want him."

"I know." She sighs and starts stroking his hair. "Draco, it will be OK. In some way."

"No it won't." He leans against her. "What the hell am I going to do?"

oOo

As soon as Ginny has left, Blaise makes Harry follow him up to their room. Closing and locking the door he turns to Harry.

"What was all that about?" He stares at Harry. "_Engaged_?"

"Well, we were going to marry some time anyway, so why wait?" Harry shrugs.

Blaise looks at him in disbelief. "Let me see... because you're not in love with her? Because you don't like it when she touches you? Because you kissed a boy and you _loved_ it?"

"Shut up! You have no idea what you're talking about."

"I know that you're creating a life built on lies. You lie to her and you lie to yourself. Do you really think that will work in the end?" Blaise presses his lips together, trying to keep himself calm.

"Well, for your information it is _my_ life, and it's really none of your business." Harry is pale but looks pretty angry.

"Oh, come on, boy! Wake up!" He sounds really irritated by now. "You're destroying your life. Do you really think I will stand next to you and just watch?"

"I'm getting the life I've always dreamt of. A normal life with a beautiful wife. There's a choice I have to make, and this is how I chose to live my life." The anger is fading, showing a hint of sadness behind it.

"But don't you see?" Blaise seems pained. "You're choosing wrong." He looks hopelessly at Harry.

"Well, it's my choice, and I have made it. We don't need to talk about this any more." He passes Blaise, unlocks the door and returns to the common room.

* * *

><p>"Sometimes I wonder how you manage to get the dormitory for yourself all the time." Harry stands on the floor in Ginny's room, his arms around her waist.<p>

"What can I say?" There's a smug smile on Ginny's face. "It pays to have a celebrity boyfriend."

"What?" Harry stares at her.

Laughter meets Harry's shocked face. "Oh, Harry, I'm joking of course! The girls are nice, that's all. Just like I am nice when one of the other girls needs the room for some hours." She pouts. "And I don't know about 'all the time', you're hardly ever here."

"I'm here now, aren't I?"

"Yes... Let's make the most of this time, OK?" Ginny reaches up and plants a short kiss on Harry's lips.

Harry knows that he should be thrilled to be in this situation, that many boys envy him right now. He really tries to enjoy Ginny, to feel good from being next to her. And it's not really bad, just a bit... boring. Uninvited the dream comes back, whispering things about 'it can be like this', but he pushes it away. He tries to be dedicated when Ginny kisses him, moving his hands over her back, and it seems to have been successful. He mentally sighs, right now he would like to be anywhere else. Even studying Potions in the common room seems like a good idea, this is just so awkward and... damn, he's supposed to be kissing. He really tries to focus, but all that happens is that the memories from the kiss comes back. Harry gives up, letting the feelings from Hog's Head flow over him, and he imagines that it is Draco he kisses. With closed eyes he pulls Draco/Ginny closer, and the feeling of being pressed up against the other boy is wonderful. Suddenly the kisses gives him so much more, and he remembers his hand running the side of Draco's chest, mimicking it on Draco/Ginny at the same time. It's not so bad to be kissing when he holds the image of Draco's lips, soft hair and wonderful body firmly in mind. Imagining how he would like to touch him his hands get bolder, and he feels Draco/Ginny slowly start to move the two of them towards the bed. Keeping his eyes carefully shut he follows Draco/Ginny down on the bed, and he lets the memories of the dream wash over him. He kisses him/her forcefully, letting his hands wander and once again experience that glorious body. Well, if he stops to think he realizes that it feels wrong, but he ignores that thought and lets his imagination do the work. The thought of Draco's amazing skin surfaces, and he lets his hands find the buttons of the shirt, soon having it open. Tugging it down he remembers the soft skin under his lips, and starts kissing his way from neck down onto the shoulder. The picture of Draco's naked chest is still clear in his mind, and he feels that his breath is getting faster. That body, that smile, those kisses –

"Oh, Harry, this is so fantastic." Ginny is slightly out of breath, and her voice is part pleasure, part joy.

The voice shatters Harry's fantasies. His eyes fly open and he stares at his girlfriend, her shirt open and eyes burning. Very much a girl, no question about that. The screaming difference from the body Harry was holding in his mind can't be brushed aside, and suddenly all this feels so extremely wrong. Firstly because he's actually thinking about somebody else than his girlfriend, even _needs_ to think about someone else, when they are in serious relationship stuff. Secondly because, honestly, the body in front of him just isn't interesting, that's not what he wants.

Ginny frowns. "Harry, what happened? Why did you stop?" She reaches out to pull him close again.

"I just... I just can't..." He slowly backs out of bed, eyes showing panic when he looks at her. "Ginny, this... I..."

"It's OK, Harry, sit down." Ginny looks tired and she starts to button up her shirt again.

"No, I need to..." The thoughts are racing in his head, making him unable to form even the simplest sentence. He needs to think. A lot.

"Harry, sit down, we need to talk about this now."

"I'm sorry Ginny, but I can't." Out of here. His bed. Think. Damn, he's scared.

"...to you too?" She looks at him with a firm expression.

"I have to go. Now." He backs towards the door.

"Don't you dare just leave." An angry frown forms on Ginny's face.

"Sorry. Bye Ginny." He slips out the door and hurriedly heads for his dormitory.

"Harry!" Her angry shout follows him down the stairs.

oOo

When he reaches the eighth-years' common room he gets instantly captured by Ron and Hermione. Ron wants to play cards, and Hermione thinks that they both should be working on their Transfiguration essays.

"Um, no, I think I'm going to bed." Harry starts to slowly move towards the dormitories.

"To bed? It's Sunday afternoon and she's just past six. Are you ill?" Ron looks at him in disbelief.

"Well you looks a bit..." Hermione observes him closely. "What's wrong?"

"Just a headache. If I go to bed now it will probably be gone tomorrow." Harry takes a step closer to the stairs.

Hermione bites her lip. "Yeah... I guess."

"See you tomorrow." Ron already seems to estimate his rates of success of dragging Blaise away from his study session with Draco.

Harry hurries up and decides to actually make himself ready for bed at once, that way he won't have to meet the other boys at all.

When he is ready he closes the curtains and sits down in the middle of his bed. Once again he's facing a lot of guilt, though this time only in his mind, from being unfaithful to his girlfriend. And once again those feelings have to make way for something more important. The first thought he analyses is the fact that he doesn't want a girl. He knows that now, and there is no way to deny it any more. He turns that over in his head for a good while, and then he comes to the thought telling about the unmistakable male features his fantasy had. Added to the dream and the kiss it gives him a conclusion that he waits a long time with acknowledging. After having turned it over and argued with himself and stretched and pushed it, he has to give up and face it. He likes boys. By now his room-mates are back in the dormitory too, getting ready for bed. Ron tries to talk to him once, but he just keeps quiet: he can't talk to anyone at all right now. He waits impatiently for the others to fall asleep and leave him in peace to think again.

A long time later Harry is still sitting cross-legged on his bed, still thinking. There are trails of tears on his cheeks and he's feeling scared, worried and alone. The thought 'I like boys' has gone through his mind so many times that it's more or less permanent. He has tentatively tried the phrase 'I am gay' some times, but it's so hard to believe. This can't just be happening to him, it's not fair. And it's not as if there were any signs before... right? Suddenly unsure Harry starts to look through his past, girls he didn't like and boys he did like. Now when he knows, he can actually find some of the later. He almost smiles, so that was what it was about. That silly thought he had after Quidditch practice. 'It's not as if I'm gay, it's just something special about his body.' Maybe this wasn't that sudden after all.

Some time later he is laying on his back in his bed. The tears are falling freely, but he makes no attempts to dry them away. Right now his thoughts are filled with Ginny, the wonderful girl he's engaged to. Her laugh, the way she wrinkles her nose, how she swings her hair when she's angry. Her clever mind and her persistence to get her work done. The young woman standing in the middle of a flaming war, still having time and empathy to help the wounded and broken. The way her face lights up when she kicks off and her broom leaves the ground. The girl he loves.

With just about an hour left until it's time to leave bed again, Harry starts to be sleepy. His tears have dried and his face is relatively relaxed. One time a shaky voice whispers 'I am gay', but then all goes back to silence.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

* * *

><p>It's Monday after dinner, and usually this is a time for homework. But Harry stands outside the entrance to Gryffindor Tower, and he's more nervous than he has ever been before. Not even facing Voldemort felt like this, there was too much determination and a feeling of fate back then. This, on the other hand, is just hell. His stomach alternates between being filled with lead and being filled with floating, swirling things. He swallows repeatedly to get some moisture back to his mouth, his palms are tickling uncomfortable and he feels a thin film of sweat forming on his forehead. And then the portrait opens and a beaming Ginny welcomes him inside. He forces a smile and follows her inside. She takes his hand, and ignoring the rest of the inhabitants of the common room she leads him to her dormitory. She sits down on her bed, leaving Harry standing on the floor in front of her.<p>

"I did as you asked, none of the girls will come up here. We will be alone for ages." She smiles happily and pats the bed beside her. "Come, sit down."

Harry keeps standing, swallowing several times before speaking with a voice he thinks sounds dead and hollow. "Ginny, we have to talk."

"Oh, if this is about yesterday, you don't have to worry, I'm not angry at you any more. I know that you are very sensitive to pressure, those things happens." She pats his leg. "And we have loads of time now, we can take it just as slow as you like."

"No, Ginny, this isn't working."

"Of course it is. No one will interrupt us, and I know that we both want this." She stands up and puts her arms around him. "You really look nervous." She smiles at him. "You don't have to, it's just you and me here, and we have all the time we need. I've been waiting for you for so many years, I can wait a little more. We don't have to hurry if you don't want to."

"No, I mean, it's not..." Harry closes his eyes and hugs Ginny hard. "Whatever else gets said tonight I want you to know one thing. I do love you very much."

Ginny leans back and looks at him. "You're so strange, is there something wrong?"

"Why don't you sit down on the bed again?" He rubs his forehead and swallows.

"Harry, you're starting to worry me now." With wide eyes she lets go and sits down on the bed.

"Ginny, this... I... I'm so sorry. I can't do it any other way."

She blinks. "You don't make sense. What has happened?" Her face loses colour and her voice drops. "Did somebody die?"

"No, no, no! No, don't worry, it's nothing like that. It's just..." He puts a hand over his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I've been thinking. A lot."

"Oh, no. Harry has been thinking." She gives him a weak smile which he returns. "Why don't you sit down next to me and tell me what you have been thinking about." She holds out a hand and looks at him with a face that clearly shows that she has caught the seriousness of the moment.

"You're such a wonderful person, in so many ways." Harry smiles sadly at her and sits down. "And I really wish that it had been enough."

"What do you mean?" Ginny frowns.

"Ginny, I've been such a lousy boyfriend." He takes a shaky breath. "You deserve so much better."

"Don't be like that. We all have our bad sides, they're a part of us. You're not perfect, but I love you just the way you are. I hope you don't expect me to be perfect either, because I'm not."

"You don't understand. I've been treating you so badly. I should have talked to you a lot sooner, but I was so afraid. I didn't want to see." Harry hides his face in his hands.

Ginny looks confused. "You're saying so many strange things, I don't understand you. What is it you want to say?"

Harry takes a deep breath and meets her eyes. "This is not going to work. You and me. Our relationship."

The silence draws out for a good time before Ginny speaks. "What? I... I think I misunderstood something."

"Ginny, this relationship won't work. I'm sorry, but it won't."

"I... I... But, we're getting married this summer." Ginny starts to look scared.

"The wedding is off. I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry. I'm more sorry than you can imagine." Harry looks tired and haunted.

"No, wait here a minute. What's wrong? What do I have to change?" She nervously licks her lips.

Harry can't stop a bitter chuckle. "Sorry Ginny, but it's nothing you can change."

"Give me a chance at least. You can't just – " A sob breaks her words. "I only want you, what do I have to do?"

"I'm sorry."

"There must be something, I've been in love with you for so long, and it can't just..." There's a hint of panic in her words.

"I know Ginny. But I have never been in love with you." He watches her as the silence stretches out, sees her face go pale and her lips start to shake.

"You're lying. You're trying to hurt me for some reason. Stop it, stop it now. I might have done something that I deserve to be punished for, but this really isn't a decent way to do it. Stop it." Her mouth shakes of suppressed tears. "Please, just tell me that you love me again."

"I love you, Ginny, I told you to remember that. But I'm not in love with you." He sighs. "If it's any relief I thought that I was."

"No." More sobs breaks free. "I don't understand. We're supposed to... You and me, everyone know that."

"I've been lying to you for the last few months, so much. I'm sorry for that." Harry swallows and tries to meet her eyes. "I'm so sorry for that."

"Oh no." She looks up at him, eyes narrowing. "You've met someone else."

"No, not really." He clear his throat. "But I... I think that you deserve to hear the truth."

"So now I deserve the truth. Who is she?" If it's tears or beginning anger that shakes her voice is hard to tell.

"There's no other girl, I promise." He squirms a bit.

She takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Then what the hell is this about?"

"I have something to tell you, and I think you need to hear it, you need to understand. It will be easier for you when you do."

"Easier?" Ginny explodes. "First you're saying that you're breaking up with me, and then that you never have been in love with me! How can that be made easier?"

Harry closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Ginny, I've been lying to you."

"Oh, now it really feels better!" She jumps up and stares at him, tears starting to fall again. "You're ruining my life, and you think some words of yours will make anything better?"

"Listen, I need to say this." Harry has a determined look on his face. "I'm not in love with you, and I've never been. I love you, but it's the same as the way I love Hermione. And I've known this for some months. I knew it when I agreed to marry you. Back then I had some idea that I could make it work anyway, it had worked for so long already."

"No! You're lying! I know what we have, I know that you love me." She looks as if she'll soon start to throw things. "And for your information, your attempts to make me feel better are _ridiculous_!"

He goes on with determination, without looking at her. "The second one... It's about what I call our relationship stuff." There's a flicker of guilt. "I never felt comfortable with that, so I started to lie for you to get away from it."

"Do you think I'm stupid? You think that I didn't know that?" She blinks angrily to get rid of the tears that keep falling. "I was hurt as hell, but I kept telling myself that you only needed space."

"And I kept telling myself that it would be better, until I came to a point where I couldn't deny it any more." He sighs and looks almost scared. "Ginny, I know that you're a beautiful girl and more than that, but I have never been attracted to you. At all."

Ginny turns her head as if he had physically hit her. "This can't be happening." She talks to the floor. "This is just too insane."

"Just listen to me a little bit more." Harry feels his breathing speed up and he swallows repeatedly. "You have to understand that you are a wonderful girl. You are beautiful and funny and clever. You're the girlfriend every boy dreams about."

"Stop it! Stop it, stop it now!" Ginny's eyes burns, but she looks like every breath is painful. "The girlfriend every boy dreams about. Yeah, except you!"

"Except me, and maybe someone else like me. But what I want you to know is that it's not _your_ fault that I don't find you attractive. It is entirely because of me and who I am." Harry feels how his hands start to shake slightly.

"Oh don't give me that 'it's not you, it's me' crap. That's so old." The pain starts to win over the anger in Ginny's eyes.

"No, listen. It's actually true. You see, I'm... I... Oh god this is so hard to say." Harry hides his face in his hands.

Ginny pulls them away from his head. "Just say it and get it over with."

"I... I..." He closes his eyes and sighs. "You're a girl."

"I'm aware of that. So?"

"I don't like girls."

"What do you mean?" Ginny's anger seems to have ebbed, and now she mostly looks confused.

"I like boys." Harry turns his head and looks away from Ginny.

Once again there's silence. Then Ginny slowly sits down next to him, looking like the floor just has opened under her. "Are you... Are you saying that you think you're... gay?"

"Yes." He keeps looking away. "I'm sure that I am."

"But... you can't be... how?"

There's a short bitter laugh coming from Harry. "I don't know how it happens that some people are... gay. I don't know why, I just know that I am."

"But you can't know, you've never even been with a boy in any way."Ginny swallows and tugs on his arm.

Harry presses his lips together and looks intently down on his lap.

"Oh fuck." She swallows again, closing her eyes. "Harry, is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"

"It was only a kiss, I promise." Looking pained he keeps his eyes down.

"Look at me. If you're telling me you saw someone else, at least look at me." The hurt and disappointment is easy to hear.

Slowly he meets her eyes. "It wasn't... There was nothing more that that. We were talking and then I kissed him and then I left him. I just had to see if I felt something. I'm sorry."

"And did you? Feel something?" Ginny looks down on her hands in her lap.

"Yes." Harry's voice is filled with guilt. "I'm sorry, Ginny, but it was fantastic. I'd never imagined that it could be like that."

"And all this time you have faked your kisses with me." She looks up and stares at him. "Who was it?"

"Um, I rather not tell. It doesn't matter anyway, it was just a kiss." Harry squirms.

"If you were cheating on me I think I have the right to know with who."

He sighs. "It was Malfoy."

Ginny gapes. "You kissed Malfoy? You're telling me that you actually kissed Draco Malfoy?"

"Yes. I needed someone who wouldn't hit me in the face if I kissed him, and Malfoy has been so scared and quiet, so when I got him alone I just..."

"I see. So one fantastic kiss with Malfoy and suddenly you're gay?" Ginny has disbelief written over her face.

"No, I said that I've done a lot of thinking, didn't I?" Harry rubs his cheek. "It's more than that."

"More kisses?"

"No. But... I've realized that I look at boys... that way. And I dream..." He blushes.

"And..." The tears starts to fall down Ginny's cheeks again. "You said that there wasn't any girl, but... have you... is there any special boy?"

Harry squirms again. "Not really. It's not like I'm in love or anything."

"But?"

"Well, since I haven't got any other experiences it isn't so strange that that kiss... influences me." There's a soft blush on Harry's cheeks.

"Oh my god. My boyfriend leaves me for Draco Malfoy." She starts to laugh with the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Shh, shh. It's OK." Harry puts his arms around her and starts stroking her back. When her laugh has changed into sobs he starts to talk again. "It's not like that. I admit that he's an attractive boy, I see him every day and I've shared a really nice kiss with him. It's nothing strange that he gets some of my attention, but there's nothing more. I'm definitely not leaving you for him."

"But you're still leaving me." She sobs violently. "I can't take it, it hurts to much."

"I'm sorry, Ginny. I'm so sorry." He holds her hard. "I hate to see you like this. But at least now you know why I'm doing it."

"I don't know how to live with this. How am I supposed to get out of bed tomorrow as if everything was normal? How am I supposed to face other people and talk to them when everything is wrong and the whole world just hurts?" She cries hopelessly, shaking in Harry's arms.

Harry holds her and strokes her hair, and he realizes that he is crying too. "This is so scary. We were supposed to be together. And now I'm throwing away my whole future for something that I don't even really know what it is."

"Then don't." She clings to him, wetting his shirt with her tears. "Don't throw it away. Stay with me."

"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm done lying." He kisses her on the head. "None of us would be happy in that relationship. You would always live with the fact that you could never be more than a friend for me, and I would live knowing that our life is built on a lie. And both of us would wait for the boy who I finally would fall in love with to come."

"I don't care. We can make it work. Please don't leave me." Ginny's voice is pleading and crackling with pain.

"No, we can't. I don't want us to." He watches Ginny catch her breath at his last words. "I want a life where I can be open for falling in love. Where I can be with someone who makes me feel things. Physical things."

"But..." A light of hope sparks in Ginny's eyes. "You can have that. We can live and have our family as planned, and when you meet someone you want to... be physical with, you do that. I won't complain. You can have how many lovers you want if you just stay with me and become my husband."

Harry looks at her in disbelief. "No Ginny, that's not the life I want."

"It's not... I can't imagine a life without you. You are supposed to stand next to me for the rest of our lives." She sobs hard, leaned against Harry's chest. "You've been the light of my life in almost half my life. How am I supposed to let that go?"

"You can do it. You're a strong girl who lived through a war. I'm not going to say that it will be easy all the time, but I'm saying that you can do it." Harry slowly strokes a hand up and down her back.

"And you're gay. Harry Potter, the fantasy of most of the girls in the country, is gay." She snorts. "Just wait until everyone gets to know."

"Um, Ginny?" Harry looks uncomfortable. "Do you think we can wait a bit with telling people? You're the only one who know, and I'm still not really used to it. I mean, I don't know how to be gay. I'd like to figure that out before I let people know. Is that OK with you?"

"I guess..." Ginny looks up at him. "Harry, how long have you known that you're gay?"

Harry evades her eyes. "Well... I _should_ have understood it much earlier, but... yesterday night I knew for sure."

"Yesterday. After out failed attempt at 'relationship stuff'."

"Yes." He bites his lip. "I wanted to tell you as soon as possible, I thought at least you deserved that." He sighs. "I did a lot of thinking after our meeting yesterday, and accepted some hard truths that I had ignored and explained away with silly excuses. I was too afraid to face it before, I wanted so badly to be normal."

Something that is half sob, half laugh rises from Ginny's chest. "Harry Potter, you've never been normal. That's already a lost cause."

"Don't remind me." Seeing how the crying starts up again while she's rocking back and forward, he kneels down in front of her and takes her hands. "Ginny, don't you think I should help you up on the bed?"

"It hurts so bad. How am I supposed to endure this?"

Harry carefully moves the crying girl up on the bed, then finding the cover and putting it over her. "Ginny, am I making things worse by being here?" He sits down on the bed next to her and strokes her hair.

"You really want to break up with me?" She looks up at him, eyes swollen from the tears, forcefully fighting the sobs. "There's no way in hell that you will give me another chance?"

"Yes, I want to break up." He swallows. "And no, there's no way in hell that I'll give our relationship another chance."

There's another outburst of tears, and then a muffled voice from the pillow. "Then seeing you will break me in two very soon. Just get out of here. Go."

Harry leans in and places a kiss on her head. "Take care, Ginny." Then he stands up and walks out through the door.

oOo

Walking the stairs down to the Gryffindor common room he dries his own tears, and forces a neutral expression. Hopefully it will get him back to his dormitory without questions, but it won't fool Hermione, and she's the one he has to talk to. And thankfully, when he arrives to his own common room he sees Hermione alone at the fire. He hastily walks over to her, head bowed down.

"Hermione, I need to ask a favour from you." He puts a hand on her shoulder and leans down.

She casts one look at his face and pulls up the chair next to her for him. "Sit down. What's happened?"

Slowly he sits down in the indicated chair. "I need you to go to Gryffindor Tower."

"You've had another row with Ginny. And a bad one I would guess." She sighs. "But she's not helpless you know, she can take care of herself."

"I know that. And no, we haven't had another row. Can you please just go to her?" Harry knows he won't be able to keep himself together for much longer.

"What's wrong?" Hermione looks at him with narrowed eyes.

"Please, Hermione, I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important."

"Well, I'll go." She stands up. "But I think it's strange that _I_ am going to comfort _your_ girlfriend, and you won't even tell me what's wrong."

Harry stands up too, suddenly feeling scarily tired. "She's not my girlfriend." Seeing Hermione's shocked face he realizes that he has reached the end of his energy reserve, and he turns and heads for his bed, where he finally will be alone.

* * *

><p>When Harry wakes up the next morning it takes two blissful seconds before the events of the evening before come back to him. He's stopped lying. He's no longer engaged to Ginny Weasly. He's gay. With a groan he wonders if anyone would miss him if he stays all day in bed. He's just only thought that sentence through when he hears Blaise's voice.<p>

"If you want us to wait for you to go to breakfast you'd better get out of bed now."

With another groan he sits up and throws his legs over the edge of the bed, and his eyes fall on Ron. Ron. Shit. He doesn't know. And he would hate to hear it from someone else. Taking a deep breath he realizes that it has to be now, for when Ron reach the Great Hall there's a risk that there will be rumours – things spread at an unbelievable speed in this place.

Blaise tries to get a comb through his hair, his shirt still open and his books all over his bed. "Harry, you look like shit, why don't you try sleeping at night like the rest of us?"

Ignoring him, Harry turns to his best friend. "Ron, there's something you need to know."

"Oh?" Ron is on the floor, looking for a lost sock.

"Can you please sit down for a second?" Harry is aware that both Blaise and Draco are listening intently, but there isn't anything to do about that. He must get this said now, before Ron leaves.

"That sounds serious." He stands up without the sock and sits on the bed. "Are you OK mate?"

"Debatable. You see..." Harry takes a deep breath. "...I broke up with Ginny yesterday."

The silence is palpable, but after some long seconds Ron stands up, red in the face. "You didn't."

"I'm afraid I did."

Ron takes a step forward, face furious and hands clenched. Blaise makes a quick move and puts himself between them.

"You promised to marry her just a fortnight ago you bloody bastard!" Ron is yelling over Blaise shoulder.

"I know. I shouldn't have done that. What's important is that I've finally made things right." Harry's voice is shaking slightly and he looks at Ron with a pleading expression.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I'm not in love with her." Harry swallows.

"Rubbish!" Ron holds Blaise's arms in a firm grip, but he doesn't try to get around him any more. "You've been sickeningly in love for years, everyone know that."

"No. I'm sorry to say that, but I've never been in love with her." There's an audible gasp from the other side of the room. "I thought I was, I thought that she was the best I could get, but it's not right to lead her on like that."

"She _is_ the best you can get, don't you see that? How do you think you'll ever find a girl better than her?" Now the anger seems to be fading, and there's an almost pleading note in Ron's voice.

"I can't do it. I can't live the rest of my life on a lie. It wouldn't be right for any of us." Harry rubs his face.

Ron finally sits down again, his face having regained a more normal colour. He sighs. "So, who is she?"

"No, I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. There's no one else. I'm just not in love with her, and I've finally realized that I might want something other than what she can give me." He looks tired and shakes his head. "Ginny is a wonderful girl, but she's not the one for me."

"You're out of your mind." Ron stares at him. "Are you really sure about this? Maybe you should give it some more time?"

"There's no need. I've had more than enough time to think this through, and I'm sure. I love her, but marrying her would be like marrying Hermione." Harry smiles a weak smile at Ron. "Which, by the way, I have no intention of doing either, don't worry." He looks up at the other two boys. Blaise is actually fighting a smile, looking almost proud, and Draco is watching him carefully, his face thoughtful.

"Well..." Ron shakes his head. "...I really don't like this. Ginny is going to cry enough to fill a lesser lake." He sighs. "You're so perfect together." He falls silent for a moment. "But if you're sure about this, I suppose I'll have to accept it. It's your choice after all, not mine."

"Yes, it is. Thank you." Harry tentatively smiles at him.

"And I think it's getting awfully close to being late for breakfast, come on you two." Blaise makes a shooing motion at them.

Harry sends him a thankful look and gets out of bed, making ready for what he suspects is going to be a strange day. He still has a big empty hole in his chest where the safety of having Ginny should be. No one seems to realize that even though he was the one breaking up, even though he's not in love with her, he's still missing her massively. She's been the centre of his world for so long. But since he's the one leaving, no one will take this into consideration. And yesterday, for the first time in his life, he told someone that he's gay. It made it all so much more real, and it scares him vastly. He doesn't know how to be gay. He makes an effort to push the thoughts away, instead focusing on getting to breakfast in time.

oOo

When the four boys come to the stairs down to the Entrance Hall there are still a good amount of students passing in and out of the Great Hall. Before they're can go down though, Hermione comes running up to them.

"I'm sorry Harry, I tried to talk to her, but she's glued to the spot down there. She insists on talking to you before breakfast." She looks worried. "I thought you'd like a warning." A warm hand is placed on his arm. "Are you OK?"

He smiles a strained a smile at her. "Given the circumstances, yes."

"You know where to find me if you need to talk." She pats Harry on the arm, and joins the boys when they walk down the stairs.

Ginny is standing outside the doors to the hall. There are dark shadows under her eyes, which are red and swollen from crying. She looks determined though, if a bit nervous. When she spots Harry she walks to meet him.

"Harry, there must have been some kind of mistake yesterday." She stops in front of him, ignoring the boys and Hermione.

"This is not a good place." Harry tries to sound firm. "Why don't we meet up after lunch and talk?"

"But there's really nothing to talk about, right? Just tell me that what you said yesterday was a mistake." Her eyes are burning and there's a note of panic in her voice.

"I'm sorry Ginny, it's no mistake." His chest aches from seeing her this devastated, and knowing that he's only making it worse for her. "Let's not talk about it here. We can talk later. Right now it's time – "

"No! Don't go!" A couple of students stops discreetly and watch them in curiosity. "You have to understand that this is wrong. We're supposed to be together." Tears start to fall down her cheeks.

"Ginny, we talked about this yesterday, nothing has changed since then. I'm sorry." Harry rubs his forehead.

"You have to give me a chance. You can't just leave like that. At least let's try. Just once." Her voice is begging, and even more students have stopped by now.

"Stop this." Harry just hurts all over from seeing her, and it makes the irritation surface. "We're not talking about this now. I'm going to have breakfast, and we can talk after lunch."

She quickly reaches out and captures his arm. "Don't do this." She tries in vain to subdue the sobbing. "I know you're saying that you want boys, but I'm sure that he doesn't mean a tenth of what I mean to you."

Harry closes his eyes. Next to him Hermione makes a choking sound, and he hears a sharp intake of breath from his other side. The buzzing from the students around them gets louder. So much for keeping that quiet for a while.

"I've told you, there is no one else. I'm not in love with someone else." He tries to ignore the eyes that are glued at them by now.

"But you said that – "

"Ginny, shut up!" Harry grips her upper arms, leans down and looks her in the eyes. "I know that you're upset, but it's time to start thinking. There are things you will _not_ say in public, understood?"

Ginny looks back with tears streaming down her face, suddenly looking guilty. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't think, I was just..." She seems to become aware of their audience for the first time. "Oh. Please don't be angry at me, I didn't mean to tell everybody."

"Well, you've already done it, it's to late to take it back." He glares at the audience but puts his arms around her. "Listen to me now."

She nods, pressing herself close to him.

"Now, Hermione is going to follow you over to Gryffindor table, where you're going to sit down with your friends. Then you're going to have a cup of tea and some toast, with raspberry jam since it's a special day, and you're going to do your best to eat it up. I'm going to sit down at my table and have breakfast of my own, and I also promise to try and eat it up. After that we will both go to class, and if you still want to talk after lunch I'll be waiting for you. Does that seem all right?"

She smiles weakly at the raspberry jam, and when he's done talking she dries her face, reluctantly stepping away from him. "I guess so." She takes a deep breath. "I'm such a baby."

"Ginny, come here." Hermione walks over to her and wraps an arm around her. "Let's get you to breakfast."

Harry watches Ginny leave without a word, and it hurts so much to see her. The audience seems to realize that the show is over, and the students disappears in their different directions. He wonders with a grim face how long it will be before the whole school knows that the Saviour is gay. He sighs and turns to his companions. Draco's face is unreadable, but his eyes are wide. Ron is a study in surprise and his mouth is still slightly open. Blaise walks over and throws an arm over Harry's shoulder.

"Well done." He nods. "I see that someone has finally stopped lying."

"Yeah, I thought it was about time." Harry sighs. "And I recommend that you take that arm away before the whole school gets to know that you're my new boyfriend."

Blaise laughs and takes away his arm, slapping Harry in the back on the way. "I'm proud of you. Good work."

"Harry." Ron seems to have found his voice again. "Are you... I mean, you're not _gay_, are you? She didn't say..."

This is still so hard, so scary. Harry looks around, and for a second he meets Draco's eyes. They're filled with understanding and self-confidence, giving him the courage he needs. "Yes, I am."

"But you've never been gay before. You've been with Ginny." He looks confused.

"I think that I've always been... been. Ginny is one of my best friends, but I've never found her..."

"...sexy. Attractive. Hot. Arousing." Blaise grins.

"They weren't really the words I was going to use, although I suppose it's true." Harry rolls his eyes and gives Blaise half a smile.

"But, why did you stay with Ginny for so long then?" Ron frowns.

"Because I didn't know. I thought that's how it was supposed to be for me. I really thought that she was the best I could get."

He looks at Harry in incredulity and confusion. "But in that case, what made you change your mind?" Seeing Harry go redder and redder, he quickly catches up. "Never mind, I don't think I want to know. Let's go have breakfast instead."

"Yeah, I think that's a marvellous idea." Harry nods, and all four of them walk to the hall. Just as Harry reaches the doors, there's a hand on his arm. While Ron and Blaise continue into the hall Harry finds himself facing Draco.

"A word, Potter?"

"Um, sure." Harry feels uneasy, he's not going to talk about... that, is he?

"I'd like you to do me a favour." Draco's face is serious and without emotion.

"What?"

"Please repeat after me." He gives Harry a stern stare. "I am gay."

"Uh, I am gay."

"Good. Never be afraid to say that. There's nothing shameful about being gay, it's not strange or wrong in any way. Remember that, and never let anyone tell you anything else." He turns to go, but turns back again. "And Potter?"

"Yes?"

"Welcome out of the closet."

oOo

Draco slides down onto the bench next to Pansy, his eyes big and filled with excitement. When he is seated he turns to her and tries to look unaffected.

"Pansy, you have no idea what you just missed." The corner of his mouth twitches.

"I suspect that you'll tell me soon anyway." She lifts her cup.

"Harry Potter just came out as gay." He works hard not to look as excited as he is, Harry is sitting further down the table after all.

Pansy chokes on her tea. "He did what?"

"He broke up with his girlfriend yesterday, and obviously told her, because she told the whole Entrance Hall ten minutes ago."

"She told them that Potter is gay?" Pansy stares at him.

"She said something about him wanting boys and not her, but I was there after that, when he told Weasley that he's gay himself." Draco pours himself coffee. "I don't think he had planned to come out so soon, though." He frowns and lifts the cup. "Blaise wasn't surprised at all, he acted like he had known it the whole time. Slapped his back and told him that it was good that he had stopped lying, and that he was proud of him. It's a bit interesting, since Weasley didn't have the faintest."

"But Draco, this is fantastic." She leans in and lowers her voice not to be overheard. "Now we know for sure that he's gay."

"Yeah, but there's a problem." Draco looks dejected.

"Oh? What?"

"He might already have someone. Another guy." He plays with his coffee cup.

Pansy frowns. "What makes you think that?"

"His girlfriend, ex-girlfriend said something about how she meant much more to him than this guy did. And I'm sure she was about to say a name when Harry suddenly got really angry, or scared, and told her to shut up at once."

"And he didn't say anything about it?" Pansy looks thoughtful.

"He said that there was no guy and that he wasn't in love with anyone." The coffee cup almost falls over, and Draco catches it at the last moment.

"Well, if I was the abandoned girlfriend, and on top I got to know that my boyfriend is gay and had been faking it all the time, then if he as much as breathed the name of a guy I would suspect him at once." She nods. "I don't think you have to worry about that. Do you really trust her more than him?"

Draco sighs deeply. "I don't know. Usually not, he's so honest that it's scary, but in this situation he had so much more to lose. If he has a secret boyfriend, he had to start lying to keep it a secret, and keep her quiet."

Pansy snorts. "And who would that boyfriend be? Blaise?" She shakes her head. "You also told me that Blaise said that he had stopped lying. I don't think there is any boyfriend." She gives Draco a calculating look. "Do you know what this means?"

"That half of our dormitory is gay now?"

"That too, but firstly it means that Potter is confirmed gay and available. It's time for you to start showing him what a wonderful prospect you are." She nods.

"You're joking, right? You're aware that he barely notices me, that he doesn't even talk to me if he doesn't have to?" Draco's voice is slightly bitter.

Pansy smiles a little. "Be that as it may, I think you should know that he's been sending you glances all through breakfast, and he's staring at you right now."

Draco looks up from his coffee cup, and his eyes meet Harry's. They keep eye contact for a couple of seconds before Harry looks away with an odd expression.

"What was that about not noticing you?" Pansy smirks at him.

"It's probably just because he knows that I'm gay too. I told him to hold his head high before we entered the hall, he's probably just thinking about that." Draco displays a good mask of indifference, but his heart is beating fast.

"As long as he is thinking about you I'd say it's a step forward." She smiles and touches his cheek. "Relax, it will work out in the end. Now eat your breakfast."

Draco rolls his eyes, but there's a tiny smile on his lips when he reaches out for the eggs.

* * *

><p>Draco is sitting on a bench in a corner of the courtyard. Blaise is studying with Ron and Harry, and Pansy is off with her friends from seventh year. He supposes he should be studying too, but right now he just can't get himself to open the books. He can't let go of the thought that Harry might have another guy. What was it that Ginny Weasley was about to say that scared him so much? He wishes that he had the courage to ask her, but being who he is that would just be a disaster. Not to talk about what she would think about it if he came asking something like that. She would either think that he's trying to find a way to hurt Harry, or that he is interested in him himself. And well, since half of it is true and the other half would make Harry very negatively disposed towards him, it doesn't seems like a good idea anyway. He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, putting his head in his hands. If he only could stop thinking about Harry all the time, this world would be a much easier place. Feeling someone sitting down on the bench, he assumes that it's Pansy.<p>

"The girls let you go early."

"I don't think either Ron or Blaise would be overjoyed to be called girls, but otherwise you're right." Harry's voice is unsure.

Draco's head snaps up, and he stares at Harry. "Potter."

"Yes." He's moving uneasily on the bench.

"What are you doing here?" The same time the words are out of his mind he regrets them, it sounds like he doesn't want Harry to be there. But Harry doesn't seem to take it that way.

"I don't know." He observes his right shoe intently.

"I... see." Draco doesn't see at all. What is this? What does Harry want? "Did you want something?"

Harry sighs. "I don't know." Now it's his knee that is fascinating him.

"Potter... Not that I want to complain, but you're a bit vague."

"I know." His eyes have moved to one of his fingers.

Draco frowns. This is just weird, Potter has searched him out, just to say nothing. He tries so hard to find something to say.

"So, you're done studying for today?"

"Not really." Harry squirms. "I told them that I needed a break." Finally he shoots a glance at Draco. "And talking about that, I guess I should go back." He stands up. "See you later Malfoy."

"Later." Draco stares after Harry when he walks across the courtyard and disappears into the castle. What the hell was that all about?

oOo

Harry is a bit confused, he can't get any sense out of the discussion he had with Malfoy earlier. Or why he had it in the first place. He was just passing the courtyard and saw him sitting there, and suddenly it just seemed like a good idea to walk over to him. And what did the discussion consist of? 'I don't know', 'I don't know' and 'I know'. Harry groans. He just made a fool out of himself, that was what he did. He really has to stop acting before thinking.

Sitting at his desk he sees Draco enter the common room, arms filled with books, so it's a good guess that he's just been at the library. Harry watches him walk – how is it possible to move like that that even with an armful of books? Yeah, Malfoy is a strange creature, his personal strange creature. He looks so little like the Malfoy from the past, and he acts different too. It's almost as if... a thought dawns on Harry, and everything falls into places. He can't understand how he hasn't seen it before. He has let his prejudices run away with him, this _isn't_ the Malfoy from the past. And Malfoy has tried to tell him over and over again.

In that moment Draco looks up and meets his eyes. Before he can stop himself he has indicated with his head for him to come over, and Draco takes his books and walks over to Harry with a wary expression.

oOo

Draco returns from the library, carrying lots of books and tired of homework. He walks through the common room, and as usual his eyes go to Harry. But this time Harry is already looking at him though, and when their eyes meet Harry gestures for him to come over. Draco's heart jumps a beat, and he hesitantly walks towards him. When he reaches the desk Harry puts out a foot and pulls out the chair next to him, nodding at it.

"Potter." Draco tips his books onto the desk and sits down on the chair, turned towards him.

"Malfoy." Harry looks at him in an almost curious way. "Do you have a minute?"

"I doubt I would be sitting here otherwise." He tries to keep his nervousness hidden. It can't... it can't be about the kiss, can it?

"Yeah." Harry runs his fingers through his hair. "Look, I've been thinking. And you're probably going to think that I'm an idiot, but I wanted to say it anyway. That I know."

"Potter." Draco raises an eyebrow. "You're still not making sense."

Harry rubs his face. "I know. I'm sorry. I just have to put it into words."

A single twitch can be seen in the corner of Draco's mouth. "Still not making sense."

"I know." Harry looks up and meets his eyes. "I'm sorry. You tried to tell me, but I didn't listen to you." When he sees Draco's eyes narrow he continues. "About the difference between you and the fifteen year old Malfoy."

Draco realizes to his embarrassment that his mouth is slightly open, and he closes it quickly. "I'm not sure what to say."

"You have my permission to say 'Told you so'." Harry's face opens in a tentative half-smile.

"Told you so." Draco distractedly flattens his hair. "And would you care to on elaborate what it is that you know?"

"I'm not really sure. Just that... well, people grow up. And the war often gives people new perspectives on life. It would be strange if it didn't work that way for you too." He rubs his cheek in a thoughtful gesture. "I'm sorry to say it, but in my opinion you weren't really a nice kid. And then I sat and reflected over that you weren't at all like that now actually, and that was strange. So I thought that maybe you had matured into something better."

Draco swallows some times, trying to find his voice again. "Thank you."

"I've been treating you badly, and I'm sorry for that. Old habits die hard, I suppose." Harry sighs. "Now, it doesn't seem like it, but I hope that my behaviour hasn't woken up your old hate for me."

"I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't mattered to me, because it has. A lot, honestly." Draco wets his lips. "But I don't hate you, not at all."

And then Harry smiles, and this time it is a 'maybe you're not so bad after all', and Draco is lost.

"Malfoy?" Harry waves a hand in front of Draco's eyes. "Are you still in there?"

Draco startles. "Yes, I was just thinking."

Harry looks at him with a curious expression. "Well, if you're back with me there is something I was thinking about."

"I'm here and listening."

"When we were kids we hated each other pretty badly, but I don't think either of us have done that for some time. And I think we both have matured. So maybe we would be able to act as civilized people, me not treating you like a lesser being, and you not preparing to run as soon as I come close?"

"There are some things we can't just forget though." Draco studies the books for a while before turning back to Harry. "Lots of things happened during the war, bad things and good things. We will forever have those experiences with us. Not to mention that I'm a Malfoy, after what happened in the war that's synonymous with despicable scum. You are the great Saviour, I'm still on probation for my crimes in the war." He hears how bitter his voice becomes, and he knows that his face is filled with pain, but he just can't keep it inside. "We can't just pretend that those things never happened. Those things will always be a part of who we are."

"Yes, I know that." Harry tilts his head and regards him with a calculating look. "I'm also pretty sure that you actually regret what you did."

"So..." Draco's heart is racing. "Do I understand you correctly when I think that you're saying that even if you haven't forgotten, you have mostly forgiven, and you'd like for us to start on a new page?"

"Yeah, I think that sums it up, pretty much." Harry smiles one of his half-smiles. "What do you think?"

"Yes, I think that it would be a nice idea." And now Draco can't stop the smile from spreading over his face, because this is Harry sitting here, telling him that he is prepared to give him a second chance.

Harry looks around and seems to be satisfied with their privacy. "Malfoy, I have a question for you, and I want you to tell me to butt out if you feel like that, because it really isn't my business."

"Sure." Draco lifts an amused eyebrow.

"Why did you follow Voldemort?"

Draco stares at him. "Not everyone is like you. When you stand before him, and it comes to a point where you have to choose between life and death, I chose to live. Call me a coward if you like." He looks down, filled with self-loathing. "Please don't think that I was satisfied there, or that I never wished that I could have changed sides, but they brought my mother into it. I just couldn't let them kill her."

"But his ways must have been perfect for you. You always talked about pure blood, and how some wizard families were better than others."

"I was what? Eleven? Twelve?" Draco shakes his head. "What did I know about life back then? I only repeated what my dear _father_ said." The word is spoken with so much disgust that it makes Harry blink.

"You don't seem that fond of your father any more?" Harry looks confused.

Draco feels his voice start to shake when the well-known anger takes place in his stomach. "Believe me Potter, that man actually _is_ a monster. If anyone deserves to rot in Azkaban it's him." He feels how his hands start to shake, and he balls them up to fists. "And the other Death Eaters protected their children, made sure that they were out of the way. My father threw me on the floor before the Dark Lord and forced me to do his despicable deeds. I'll never forgive him, never!"

"Um, Malfoy?" Harry seems confused and a bit taken aback. "I didn't mean to..."

Feeling the irritating prickling behind his eyelids Draco turns away and blinks repeatedly. He stiffens up when he feels a hand on his shoulder, he don't think he can face Harry now. He's too much the shining Saviour, the man who was the leading star for everything that Draco was forced to fight.

"Malfoy, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry." He rubs a thumb over Draco's shoulder.

Draco draws a shaky breath. "Potter, I don't want to offend you in any way, but you are the epitome of all I could have had if it wasn't for my father. Your halo is shining a bit too bright in my eyes right now." He hears the intake of breath, and feels Harry's hand grip harder on his shoulder. He assumes that Harry will leave him now, but then the grip looses again.

"If it makes any difference I can assure you that I never wanted it. I'm happiest when people at least pretend that it's not there." Harry sighs. "Do you have any idea how horrible it is to hurt someone just because of who I am?"

"Yes, I do." Draco turns back, looking dead tired. "I know exactly how it is when someone looks at you and thinks 'Death Eater', and then relives all the pain they went through during the war. So yes, I have a very good idea."

"Yeah... I think you actually understand." Harry gives Draco's shoulder a final squeeze before he lets go of him, and for a second it seems like his hand is moving towards Draco's face. Then he pulls his hand back, and the moment is gone. "Who would have thought, the one who can actually understand me is Draco Malfoy."

"Try to tell that to your fifteen years old self. 'Little Harry, when the war is over and you have slain the evil bastard, you will sit with Malfoy, and he will be the one who can understand you.'" He still looks pained, but he tries a small smile.

Harry laughs, a short, quiet laugh that soothes Draco's pain. "I don't think that would have been well received, no. Try after sixth year and I might have given it a thought, but in fifth year I would rather have eaten flobberworms than have to sit with you."

"Why after sixth year?" Draco swallows.

"That year I was so sure you were up to something, and no one believed me. So I started to watch you myself, and amongst other things I ended up finding you in some unexpected situations. I was aware that you were in a lot of pain that year."

"Potter." He bites his lip and his eyes are unsure. "If I had offered you my friendship in sixth year, would you have accepted?"

Harry blinks. "I don't know. In my eyes you were a Death Eater out to betray us, and honestly that turned out to be half right." He looks at Draco's white face. "I can't say, Malfoy. I would have found it very hard to trust you." His voice gets careful. "Where you thinking about it?"

"I don't know. Now I have a feeling that you could have understood me, what it was like to be forced to do things you actually don't want to do, just because there's a big war coming and everyone expects you to take your role in it." His face turns bitter. "And maybe you could have got me out before it was too late."

"My friends would never have accepted you." Harry shakes his head.

"But would you?"

"_If_ you actually switched sides, and _if_ Dumbledore said that you were to be trusted, then maybe." There's a doubting expression on his face.

"I see." Draco tries not to look disappointed.

"Malfoy, if you had come to me and said that you wanted to switch sides, and that you needed help, I would have helped you." Harry looks a bit sad, but his voice is soft. "But friendship is a different thing. That takes trust, and the trust I had for you was in negative numbers."

"Is it still?"

"Is what?"

"Is your trust for me still in negative numbers." Draco's face is unreadable and his voice neutral.

Harry tilts his head. "No. Actually not at all." He seems to be thinking about it for a while. "We've been talking a bit since this school-year started, and I just realized that I actually trust you to have been telling the truth. And the things you've been telling me... maybe you're not as bad after all."

Draco's throat is dry, but he can't stop himself from asking. "And if I offered you my friendship today?"

Harry blinks, and his face becomes unreadable. "I would say that it sounds like an interesting suggestion, but that we should take one day at a time."

"That sounds reasonable." Draco starts to breath again.

"You're a very strange creature, Malfoy, do you know that?" This time the smile is almost affectionate, for the lack of other words, and it says 'Don't tell anyone, but I'm looking forward to get to know you'.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Malfoy." Harry uses the hushed voice used in libraries. "Blaise said that you would need this book." He holds out 'The movement of numbers and how to predict them' for Draco to take.<p>

"Thanks." Draco looks a bit surprised. "Why did he have it? He doesn't take Arithmancy this year."

Harry shrugs and half leans, half sits on the desk. "I don't know. He just asked me to give it to you." He looks around. "Why are you sitting this far away? No one uses these books any more. Well, except for maybe Hermione."

"It's silent and peaceful, you don't get interrupted by giggly first-year girls." He gives Harry a grim smile. "And no one likes to sit next to a Malfoy anyway."

"You know that you don't _have_ to sit here? You're welcome to sit with me and Blaise." Harry's face is open and honest, and a little bit worried.

"Thank you, but sometimes you're almost as bad as the giggly first-years." An amused smirk that Harry hasn't seen for a long time flashes up and disappears.

Harry protests. "We're not that bad. But you have to take a break every now and then if you don't want your head to explode." He nods knowingly.

"Just admit it, you two have crappy self-discipline when you have to work.

"I wouldn't... You should know... Well, maybe it's not that good." A guilty smile wakes on his face. "We get the work done though."

"Eventually." Draco rolls his eyes.

It's silent for a bit, but Harry doesn't move, instead he studies his nails thoroughly. Talking to his nails he breaks the silence.

"I have a question for you. A pretty sensitive question. May I ask it?"

"You can ask, but I won't guarantee that I'll answer." Draco looks wary.

"That sounds fair."

"And only if I can ask a personal question first. Same deal of course." There's a calculating look in his eyes.

"Sure. Ask." Harry tilts his head and looks at him curiously.

"I know this isn't the most likely scenario, but I have to ask. Is Blaise your boyfriend?"

There's a short bark before Harry throws his arm over his mouth and manages to subdue the roaring laughter. "Is _that_ what people think?" The amusement is evident in both his eyes and voice.

"If you have someone, he's the most likely candidate." Draco shrugs. "I take that as a no, by the way."

"No, Blaise is not my boyfriend." The laughter is still present in his eyes. "You know him, he has to be the most straight person you can find."

"If you ask the public, I should say that until a not so long time ago they would have said that it was you. Appearances can obviously be misleading."

"What even gave you the idea that I had a boyfriend in the first place?" Harry is still amused and looks unexpectedly relaxed.

"Your ex-girlfriend more or less told everyone who wanted to know that there was a guy in your life. And your panic when she was about to tell his name sure made me curious." Draco looks unaffected and plays lazily with his quill.

"She wasn't necessary about to tell his name, she was thinking about – " Harry stops and starts to blush.

Draco looks up, his face neutral but his eyes filled with emotions. "Well, now you've really tickled my curiosity." His voice turns confidence-inspiring and almost purring. "What was she thinking about?"

"I... I'd rather not tell you." He bites his lip and regards Draco with a very odd expression.

"Let's do it like this then. You answer my question and I promise to answer your question, whatever it is." Draco's eyes are intense and glued at Harry.

Harry squirms and looks very uneasy. After some time he locks his eyes on his left knee and takes a slow breath. "You."

"What about me?"

"It was you. She was about to tell your name."

Draco feels his mouth fall open, and he does nothing about it. The last sentence flies around and around in his mind, and he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. He forcefully beats down the up-flaming hope, but when he speaks it's just a croak. "What?"

"Well, you asked." Harry is very red by now. "I told her about that night... you know... when... at Hog's Head. Anyway, she got all kinds of ideas, and I didn't think it wise for her to repeat them in front of half the school." He glances at Draco. "You've been so blissfully quiet about it, so I guessed that you might not want it to be public knowledge either."

"Potter." Draco blinks, swallows and tries to compose himself. "I couldn't care less if people know who I'm kissing, and it's not really as if it was anyone shameful I was with. My only problem would have been a vengeful girlfriend, and I think I can handle that." He stares at Harry. "You, on the other hand, had a lot to lose. I guess your girlfriend wouldn't have been ecstatic, you were firmly rooted in the closet, and the one you kissed was the person with worst reputation in this school, hell, one of the worst in this country."

"Well, we can look at that list from present point of view instead. To start with, I admit that I still have a guilty conscience for cheating on Ginny. Looking at the second point though, well, I'm gay, I have fully accepted that, and thanks to Ginny I'm pretty thoroughly outed now. Finally, when it comes to the last point I must say that honestly I don't give a damn about your reputation. I'd like to form my own opinions, and everyone is talking about me anyway. And it's not as if your reputation stops you from being an excellent kisser." Harry blinks and looks like he would like to catch those last words and put them back in his mouth. His face is shocked and he is steadily getting redder again.

Draco feels his cheeks turn pink too, and his heart starts to beat faster. Does Harry think he is an excellent kisser? He keeps staring at Harry, that mouth, the wonderful eyes, the blushed cheeks...

"Um." Harry clears his throat and inspects something above Draco's head. "What I was about to say was that if Ginny had started to talk about you, everyone would have assumed that we were in a relationship. And I guessed that it would be a bit awkward."

"Not to talk about what people would have said when they got to know that you were dating Malfoy scum." Draco's voice is tired.

Harry looks back at him. "Well, they could have said whatever they wanted, I don't care. If I wanted you for my boyfriend your reputation wouldn't matter. What matters to me is what I actually know about you, not what people on the street say." His face gets soft. "Don't give up, not everyone is judging you."

Draco looks down and scratches on something on his sleeve. "What about taking your question now?"

"Sure. I guess it's a bit more... When you said that I was the epitome of all you could have had, what did you mean by that?" Harry talks very carefully.

"What I said." Draco still has his eyes on his sleeve.

"Yes, but what does it mean?" Harry frowns.

Draco sighs. "I'll give you an example. When the war was over and the Dark Lord was slain, people were celebrating. I would very much have wanted to join in, but I was hidden away in the haunted Manor, not welcome anywhere. If I had been allowed to make my own choices, if my father hadn't decided to offer me as a toy to the Dark Lord to gain status to himself, then I could have been out there." When he talks about his father his eyes turn to stone and he clenches his fists.

"The way you look when you talk about your father makes me assume that you think it's bad that we never caught him after the battle in the Department of Mysteries." The frustrated frown has turned worried.

"Never caught him? I think that it was bad that you didn't hit him with some really nasty curses, Unforgivables preferably. The killing curse would have been a vast improvement on him."

"Malfoy... I'm sorry, we don't have to talk about this if it is too hard, I wouldn't have asked if I knew..." Worry and compassion fly over Harry's face, and he starts to reach out a hand, but changes his mind and lets it fall.

"No, it's OK. I'm just... Can you imagine who I could have been today if it wasn't for my father?" A note of longing can be heard in his voice, and his eyes are almost begging.

Harry's face grows soft, and he gives Draco a small, empathic smile. Then he reaches out a hand and cups Draco's cheek. "You would have been just the same as you are now." He strokes the cheek with his thumb. "And you are not worth less now than you would have been then."

Draco sits perfectly still. His body is suddenly hypersensitive, he feels every small movement and caress from the hand on his cheek, and his breathing starts acting strange. Harry is staring right at him, and he doesn't take away his hand, he just keep looking at Draco with that odd expression. He want to touch the hand, to touch Harry's cheek too, to just stand up and kiss him again. But he don't know what this is, if it's just a strange but friendly hand or if it is something more? Could it lead to something more? He is careful not to move, hoping that, if he succeeds, nothing will break this moment. Nothing expect the footsteps closing in behind the bookcase. Harry looks up and snatches back his hand, stands up and watches the corner with a blank expression. Draco wonders what would happen to him if he used one of the uglier curses he learned from the Death Eaters on the arriving person when he or she appears.

"Harry, there you are." Blaise turns around the corner. "I've just about written the whole essay on my own, I wondered if you had fallen asleep or something..." Suddenly he takes in Harry's tense posture, Draco's burning eyes and tightly pressed together lips. "Oh. I think this was rather badly timed. Um, never mind me, I'll just..." He points behind himself.

"No, no." Harry takes some steps towards him. "It's no problem, I'll come with you. I can't let you do all the work. We were just talking and I lost track of time."

Blaise looks from Harry's face to Draco's. "Harry, don't you think you two should finish your conversation first?"

"What?" Harry blinks surprised. "No? Honestly, it's no problem." He slaps Blaise in the back. "Come on, let's get back to the books." He nods at Draco. "It was nice talking to you. Uhm..." A slight blush tints his cheeks. "See you." He turns around and disappears around the corner together with Blaise.

Draco waits until they are gone, and then lets his head hit the desk. He wonders if Blaise would like to have a pair of constantly growing eyebrows for a week or so.

oOo

Blaise sits down next to Harry, watching him dig around amongst his books. The slight blush and stiff posture back there, they are certainly interesting. And Draco almost cast a non-verbal killing curse at Blaise, just with his eyes. Interesting, interesting.

"I'm sorry for running away like that, we started to talk and it got interesting and I totally forgot about the essay." Harry looks guilty.

"I see." An amused smile plays on Blaise's lips. "Harry, do you have something to tell me?"

"Um, what would that be?" He is obviously confused.

"You and Draco seemed to have had a captivating... discussion." The amusement is barely controlled.

"Yeah, pretty. I found out some things about him I hadn't understood before."

Blaise rolls his eyes. "Can't you tell me about what you... talked about?"

"No, that's kind of personal actually." A hint of a blush rises on his cheeks.

"Well of course it is! Tell me anyway. Did you kiss?"

Harry stares at him with gaping mouth. "You... you think that I would kiss _Malfoy_?"

"You've already done it once." Blaise winks at him. "And I thought Draco would murder me for interrupting you. So I thought that maybe..."

"No, you've got it all wrong. We were actually only talking." He gives Blaise an excusing shrug, but suddenly blinks and squirms a bit. "Well, almost."

"Tell me, tell me, tell me." He leans in with an excited expression.

"It's nothing to talk about really. It was just... I can't explain it."

"Try. What did it feel like?"

Harry sighs. "He was sitting there and he was so sad, and that face isn't supposed to be sad, it should smile. When he smiles-" He makes a short pause. "So then I just had to touch him. I don't know why, I just couldn't stop myself." There's a groan. "I'm just talking a lot of rubbish."

"No, I find it highly interesting." He grins in return to Harry's glare. "Soon we will have you running between the beds in the dormitory."

There's a choking sound from Harry. "Blaise!" He opens his mouth, but starts to blush instead.

"Oh, oh. You've already been running?"

"No, not like that."

"Not like that?"

Harry reluctantly starts to speak. "Well, it reminded me of – and if you tell this to anyone I will drag you down to the Great Hall and duel you – of one night when I... I may have woken up and walked over to Malfoy's bed."

Blaise looks like a child on Christmas. "You slept in his bed?"

"No!" Harry drops Blaise's quill. "No, I just wanted to look at him. So I did that."

"You wanted to look at him. Why?"

"Um." Harry turns a nice red colour again. "I don't think I can tell you, you'll never stop teasing me then."

"Gah. This feels so wrong, but if I promise not to tease you? I will be utterly serious and we don't have to talk about it at all." Blaise has a pleading look.

"I don't know." He sighs. "Well, I guess... I had a dream. And I just..."

"You had a dream. Look, I'm not even asking what the dream was about, I'm really nice. Go on."

Harry gazes intently into one of the books. When he talks he does it down at the book. "I just had to see if he was as beautiful in real life as he was in the dream."

"Was he?"

"Yes." Harry turns a page and makes a note. "And now I think we will go back to work."

Blaise watches Harry go back to studying with dedication. Harry is completely shocked by the thought of kissing Draco, but he dreams about him, he admits that he think that he's beautiful, he can't even stop his impulses to touch him. It seems like Harry still has some denial to work with.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

* * *

><p>Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting in the library; the table in front of them is almost full of books, quills and parchment. They've only been there for about forty minutes out of the three hours Hermione has planned for them, and Harry is already tired of it. When he's studying with Blaise they always talk and have fun every now and then, making the work not so nightmarishly boring, but that's not an option with Hermione. He balances his chair on two legs and thinks about Draco. About how soft his cheek was under Harry's hand the other day, about his sad eyes and that unidentifiable tense expression on his face. What did he think about Harry's strange behaviour? Is he angry at him? As he gets to this, the object of his thoughts walks in through the door. He has Blaise with him, who at once sets course for their table.<p>

"Hi, can we join you?" Blaise walks around to the chair next to Hermione. "We have some stuff to do too."

Hermione looks suspiciously at him. "Well, we are _studying_ here. If that's what you plan to do you can sit."

"Perfect." He flops down onto the chair.

"You know, you can sit here. I promise not to bite." Harry pushes out the chair next to him for the still standing Draco to sit on.

"Thanks." He sits down and starts to take out his books.

After a short time all five of them are immersed in their studies, the only sounds are turned pages and the scratching of quills. Harry soon realizes that having Draco so close makes it hard to concentrate. The memory of the soft cheek keeps coming back, urging him to feel it again. It is so close, all he has to do is to reach out...

"Harry, how much have you written of the essay?" Hermione tries to look at his parchment.

It would be so easy. Or... His leg is almost touching Harry's, if he... "Um, no, I don't think so." ...just moved a tiny bit to the side he would touch Draco's. He can almost feel the warmth from his leg, and it's so tempting. Just –

"Hello? Harry?" Hermione looks amused. "What are you thinking about?"

Harry looks up. The other four are all looking at him. "I was... nothing really." He feels the blush creeping up his cheeks. "I was just thinking about..." He looks down in an open book hastily. "...saldia leaves." He hear Blaise giggle from across the table, and his blush deepens.

"Did you now?" She wears an expression that tells that she isn't fooled at all. "I suggest that whatever you're thinking about should be N.E.W.T.-level."

Harry really tries to be disciplined. But every time he manages to focus on the essay, Draco steals it back. The small movements he makes is all it takes. Like when he finds something hard and rests his cheek in his palm, frowning, or when he quietly yawns, putting a hand over his mouth and stretching his legs out under the table. Sometimes he accidentally touches Harry's arm with his when he moves on his chair, and those times Harry wants to move his chair even closer. This is so strange, all of it. Why does he get those thoughts as soon as Malfoy is around? Well, he guess part of it is as he said to Ginny, after sharing a kiss like that it is obvious that he will get some of his attention. Yes, that kiss... How can a pair of lips be so soft and at the same time so determined? And those hands, when they –

"Care to share?" Ron grins at him.

"What?" Harry looks surprised.

"With a smile like that, you were thinking about some seriously nice things. I just thought that the rest of us could do with something nice to alternate with our essays." He puts down his quill, hopefully.

"I was just... thinking about lots of stuff." He squirms on his chair, not daring to look anywhere near Draco.

"And there wasn't a single thing you'd like to share?" Ron gives him a pleading look.

Harry feels how some of the blush is coming back. "No, nothing really interesting."

"Well then, I think we should go back to the reason we're here. Studying." Hermione has a note of finality in her voice, and all turn back to their books.

After about five minutes Blaise has had enough. "Harry, about those thoughts you had." His eyes glitter. "Are you sure you don't – "

"Zabini, I thought I made myself clear. At this table we are studying, if you'd like to chat you can sit somewhere else." Hermione gives him a stern look.

"Sorry, sorry." Blaise holds up his hands. "I'll really try to be quiet."

Hermione mumbles something that no one hears, but the meaning is pretty clear anyway.

Another ten minutes go by, and Harry is bored again. He's sick of his books, he can't talk to Blaise, and he doesn't dare think about Draco any more. For some reason the last one is the one giving him most problems. He's trying to actively not thinking about Draco when a hand discreetly pokes his elbow. He looks up and meets Draco's eyes. He looks down at Harry's elbow, and then away. When Harry looks down he sees a piece of parchment, and turning it over there's a neat line written. 'Does she take lessons from McGonagall?' He hides his laugh as a sudden coughing fit, and as soon as Hermione has turned back to her books he scribbles his own line under the other. 'She takes lessons in everything.' Sliding it over he pokes Draco's arm, and soon an response comes back. 'I thought I had good study discipline, but I admit defeat.' Harry shares a quick, amused glance with Draco, and then he sends back the parchment with a new line written. They are discussing the glory of studying, or not studying, when Draco suddenly changes subject. 'Do you still see GW? Hope you don't mind.' Harry blinks. 'Talk – yes. Relationship – no.' The next question comes fast. 'You have a long history. No coming reconciliation?' The answer is short. 'I am gay.' Draco's eyes meet Harry's and they share a look of mutual understanding. The response is quick again. 'Not Blaise, not me. Is there another boyfriend?' Harry smiles. 'No. Why?' He feels Draco tense up before he sends his answer. 'My curiosity is rude. Sorry.' When Harry leaves his new line he lets his hand rest on Draco's arm for a short moment. 'No! I don't mind. Be curious. I don't have to answer.' Draco pauses for some time before he sends the next. 'Is there someone special in your thoughts then?' Harry doesn't really have to answer that, his blush is answer enough. 'It's not like you think.' Draco's response is probably borrowed from Blaise. 'Tell me.' Harry thinks some time before writing. 'I think of him because he's fascinating. Also...' The reply is even shorter than the one before. 'Also?' Harry prays that Hermione won't look up and see his blushing cheeks, it's a bit suspicious. 'I can't tell you. Sorry.' Draco sends a quick glance at him. 'You're good at making me curious. Mean.' When Harry gets the note Draco squeezes his arm and winks at him, taking the edge off his words. 'But last time I told you.' A shade of pink can be seen on Draco's cheeks. 'You did. Can this be worse?' The answer is soon returned. 'Yes.'

"And when you two are finished with your postal service, maybe you Harry can tell me how far you have gotten on your essay?" Hermione's voice is frosty, and she gives Draco a nasty look. Under her watchful eyes they both turn back to their work.

The three hours end at last, and they all pack up their books and other things, then head towards their tower. When Harry is about to leave the library something is pressed in his hand, and Draco passes him, giving him an indescribable glance. Falling back a couple of steps behind the others he opens the note and reads it. 'Thanks for the conversation. Honesty and trust are highly appreciated. So is your company.' Harry reads it twice, something undefinable swirling in his stomach. He looks up at the back of the writer. Why does everything Draco does affect him so much?

* * *

><p>"Harry, why don't you come and sit with me?" Hermione comes up to Harry when he's passing through the common room. "I'm sure I can steal you from your books for a bit." She smiles amusedly.<p>

"Of course." He follows her to a desk away from the others. He can see her books and papers filling the surface. "Um, Hermione, we're not going to study now, right?"

"No, no, I just wanted to sit here to get some privacy." She tries to flatten her hair a bit.

"That sounds alarming." Harry gives her a wary look.

She smiles a small smile. "Don't worry, it's just... I wonder how you've been lately. We haven't had much time to sit down and actually talk."

"Well, good I think."

"You think?"

"You know what I mean. Things have been a bit stressful, but nothing really bad." He frowns. "Am I supposed to have it bad?"

"Well, Harry..." Hermione seems to choose her words carefully. "You and Ginny were very close, and it's only natural that it still affect you."

Harry blinks. "What do you mean with that?"

"Just that it is natural for you to miss her. And don't try to tell me that you're not missing her, I know you do."

"Of course I miss her. Or..." Harry thinks for a while. "She's still my friend, it's not as if she's gone, anyway. What I miss is having her there, but not our relationship."

Hermione doesn't seem to be convinced.

"With Ginny everything was so easy." He sighs. "She was next to me, strong, smart, beautiful, and she was mine. I thought I had everything I could get, and I was content with that." There's another sigh. "But what really felt good about it was the safety, the normality and continuity. I did what I was supposed to do, I did everything right, and I knew that it was just going on like that. No bad surprises or life overturning happenings again. With her my life was safe."

"That really doesn't sounds that much like love, Harry." She looks at him with a displeased expression.

"You've got my point." He gives her a grim smile.

"But you were so close to each other, there must have been love." The frustration that wakes in Hermione when there's something she doesn't understand is surfacing.

"Of course there was love. I still love her very much."

"But – "

"As well as I love you. And I'm sorry to break it to you, but I don't want to marry you either." Harry gives her an amused smile.

Hermione sits silent and moves around some books before she looks up again. "There's a thing I was thinking about. It might not be very nice, and I swear I won't tell anyone, but..." She squirms on her chair. "What if you tried to date another girl. Maybe you would realize how you really feel for her then. For Ginny I mean."

"Um, Hermione? You know that I'm gay, right?" He stares at her in disbelief.

"I know that it's not so easy. You don't have to be one thing or the other, you can be both. Nothing says that you can't like Ginny _and_ like boys too." She looks like she's explaining the latest homework to Harry and Ron.

"That could have been a possibility, but it's not the case. I want boys. Only boys."

"Oh, Harry, I know you've been through so much. Your life hasn't been easy, and you have had very little time for yourself and your feelings." Hermione places a hand over Harry's."

"What does that have to do with anything?" There's a hint of annoyance in Harry's voice.

"It's only natural that you want to experiment, you didn't have time for that when you were younger. But I'm sure you and Ginny can figure something out. She gives you half a year to try this gay thing out, or you two just decide that you can see others while you're with her. It's not totally unheard of."

"Hermione, I'm not in love with Ginny, I've never been in love with her and I'm perfectly sure that I'm gay." Harry is clearly irritated now.

Hermione gives him a thoughtful look. "But you still think of her, right?"

"Yes, I do think about her now and then."

"Yeah, I've seen you get lost in your thoughts. And there are some other things too..." She chews on her lip.

"What other things?" He frowns.

"Never mind that, the thing is..." She regards him closely. "Are you sure that you're not still in love with her? Because you definitely act like you're in love."

"Oh, no, don't say that you have a list, just like Blaise. If you have one I don't want to hear it." Harry thinks of Blaise's idea of when you were in love. _"The person is always on your mind, you can't stop thinking about them."_ Well, the only one who has made that impression on him is Malfoy. _"You wonder where they are, what they're doing all day."_ He smiles to himself and thinks of sixth year and the Marauders Map, and the answer is still just Malfoy, no Ginny in sight.

"...have you really tried?" Hermione sounds pleading.

"Um, I think so." He tries to remember the rest of the list. _"Everything is different when they are close to you, everything feels different."_ No, can't say that Ginny affected him that way. On the other hand, the feeling of... frustration that seeing Malfoy has given him the past years... The way Harry's focus is drawn to him as soon as he enters a room. It seems like Malfoy is the right answer here too. Something uneasy starts to move in his stomach.

"...can take time." She nods forcefully.

"Yeah, I know." Harry has no idea what he's supposed to know, he wants to tick off this list. Now. _"Every word, every glance they give you makes you feel things you can't describe."_ He remembers the rare glares from Malfoy in sixth year, and how they made his inside move in a strange way. How strange their talks this year have been, as if talking in private and allowing eye-contact forced out another, more honest Harry. He swallows.

"...maybe we could go out all four together, like we used to?"

"No." What is this? He feels panic wake up in his chest. _"You want to be close to them, touch them."_ The meeting in the library, his hand on Malfoy's cheek, stroking it... _"And when they kiss you you just want to have more, to be closer, for it to never end."_ The memory of their kiss explodes in Harry's mind. Oh no, it can't be...

"Harry!" Hermione shakes his arm, and letting go when she sees that she has his attention again. "What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I..." He swallows. _I think I'm in love with Draco Malfoy._ No. Not the thing to say right now. "I think I need to find Blaise." He stands up. "It was nice talking to you."

"But Harry..." She frowns.

"I'm sorry, Hermione, I have to go. I just realized a thing. Need to talk to Blaise." Harry starts walking backwards. "I'm sure that Ron wants some of your time too." At the mentioning of Ron's name he can see Hermione's frown fade.

"I guess you're right." She looks fondly over at Ron who's making a card house in front of the fire. "We'll talk more another time."

Harry waves at her and then hurries up to their dormitory. To his disappointment it's empty, and he throws himself down on his bed. He is still lying there fifteen minutes later when Blaise walks in through the door. Harry jumps up from the bed, feeling the panic closing in again.

"Blaise! You're here at last! I need to..." His voice falters when he sees Draco entering behind Blaise. "...talk to you." He knows he shouldn't stare at Draco, but he can't help himself. He has spent so much time looking at this boy, studying him, and god, he's worth it. Yes, he is attractive, yes, he is beautiful. A lot. And now those eyes turn to him, and they are still so sad. He wants to hold him and stroke that face until it smiles. But right now that's probably not the wisest course of action, even if Malfoy won't hit him it will still lead to awkward questions.

Draco looks away from Harry, down on his hand. "There's still another hour until the library closes, I'll go there and you can have the room to yourselves."

"Thanks." Harry looks after Draco as he turns and walks out through the door. Then he walks over to his bed, sits down and hides his face in his hands.

Blaise closes the door, thinks about it for a second and then locks it too. After that he sits down on Ron's bed, across from Harry. "What happened?"

"I'm doomed." A panic-stricken face emerges from Harry's hands.

"Why?" Blaise looks a bit worried.

"I don't want to hear any 'I told you so', is that clear?"

"Clear. Tell me."

"I think..." And even how much panic and fear are coursing through him, he can't stop a smile from tugging at the corner of his mouth. "I think I might... be in love."

It takes a couple of seconds before Ron's pillow come sailing and hits Harry in the face. "Idiot." Blaise grins widely. "I thought something bad had happened."

"But it is bad. Really bad. And I can't understand that I didn't see it before." Despair wins over the smile on Harry's face.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that I already know, but for the sake of conversation, can't you tell me who he is?" The happy grin is still in place.

"You _know_? How?" Harry gapes at him in panic. "What if others know too?"

"You answer my question, I answer yours. Who is he?"

Harry lifts the pillow, puts it in front of his face and says something that Blaise hasn't got a chance of hearing. Blaise rips away the pillow and throws it on Ron's bed.

"If you want to get anyway with this you can start by saying his name. Out loud." Blaise folds his arms.

"It's... it's Malfoy." He feels his face get a bit redder.

"Look here, no surprised face. Of course it's Draco." Smiling he leans over and pats Harry's arm.

"How can you know? Does everyone know? Does _he_ know?" Harry's voice gets more and more hysterical. "I'm not even sure that _I_ know."

"Harry, when you see Draco, when you think about him, what do you think?" Blaise's face is soft and he smiles slightly.

"When I see him... Most of the time I want to hug him, he looks so sad, and I don't want him to be sad. I want to hold him and soothe him until he smiles at me. Because I want him to smile at me. When he's somewhere else I want him to be close to me, I miss him as soon as he leaves. When he enters a room I just have to look at him, and I always know where in the room he is. I want to touch that wonderful face, all the time. I marvel over the way he moves, the way his body looks, not to talk about the thoughts of how his body feels..." Harry falls silent. "I think a lot about him. Where he is, what he does, if he's happy. If he sometimes smile that smile I want to see at someone else. I want him near me, I want to take care of him, protect him. I remember the way his chest felt under my fingers..." There's a shocked sound from Blaise. "...that time when we were talking, and how I want to feel that again. How his face looked when he woke up from the nightmare, before he could put any mask on, and how I want to see more of that Malfoy. I think about that kiss. All the time." He sighs. "And every time I see him or think of him the world just tilts a bit, do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah." He grins. "I think we safely can say that you're in love. Congratulations." He lifts an eyebrow. "And I suspect there's a bunch of other, more... mature thoughts you decided not to share with me. Like dreams and stuff."

Harry blushes slightly. "Well, yeah, there might be some of those." He scratches his neck. "But hey, how did _you_ know how I felt?"

"For starters you actually told me last term, and after that it only got more and more obvious. If you know what to look for. I don't think anyone else know, and I'm certain that he doesn't know."

"Obvious?"

"We can take your rendezvous in the library. Kind of obvious." He looks at Harry who goes red again. "Or your midnight trip to his bed to marvel over how beautiful he was. I'm pretty sure you don't do that with Weasley." He smirks. "Not to talk about your habit of looking at him all the time. I'm surprised that he hasn't said anything about it yet. But then again, he's probably convinced that you will bite his head off if he offends you in any way."

Harry groans and lies down on the bed. "I didn't mean to treat him so badly. But I didn't know what to do, everything became so... _much_ as soon as he was around. I didn't know how to handle it. And I hated him for so many years, and then I mistrusted him so much, so it was just easiest that way."

"But I don't think that he hates you. At all actually. Don't worry about that."

"But I hit him... I was so angry, and he didn't even defend himself." He pulls his pillow over his head.

Blaise walks over, takes away the pillow and sits down beside him. "Harry Potter, did you hit Draco?"

"Yes." Harry looks up with a despairing expression.

"Was it after Granger and Pansy's row?"

"No." He looks even more rueful. "I accused him of having stolen my Potions book. I had a row with Ginny before that, and then I couldn't find my book, and he was right there and I was already so angry."

"So you hit him. Just like that." Blaise seems disappointed and disgusted. "I thought more of you than that."

"No, it wasn't like that. We started to argue, and I was just so angry so I slammed him up the wall. I suspect that my fists... weren't that nice for his chest right then." Harry looks like he wants to hide.

"I hope by all merciful deities that you apologized to him." A firm glare hits Harry.

"I... no."

"What's wrong with you? And I assume that he was innocent to the book-napping?"

"Hermione had it. She came..." He bites his lip. "She thought we were kissing."

Blaise blinks. "Why would she think that?

"I kind of... was pressed up against him and my face was pretty close to his." Harry still looks miserable.

"No suppressed sexual tension there, oh no." He rolls his eyes. "Now Harry, we're going to make a plan. The first thing you have to do is obvious, I would say."

Harry sits up next to Blaise, his eyes on the ground. "Apologize to him."

"You're very right." There's an sharp nod. "Step two is simple, you tell him how you feel about him."

"What?" Jumping up from the bed, Harry stares at Blaise. "No! I can't do that. Are you insane?"

"Trust me, this is how it will work best with you two. You tell him about your feelings, giving him opportunity to tell you that he likes you."

"But of course he doesn't like me. I've been an arse to him since school started." The miserable face is almost close to tears now.

"Harry, I've seen him looking at you. If there isn't some kind of interest there I'll wear a tutu for a week." His smile is confident and assuring.

"No. I'm sorry, I can't do it. I'm rubbish at relationships."

"Well, just kiss him then. You've done that before. All it takes is some spontaneous acting and some courage. As a good Gryffindor you should have plenty of both."

"But..." Harry's eyes grow wide and scared. "What if I suck at kissing? I mean, I kissed Cho, and that was a total disaster. Then I kissed Ginny, and that wasn't really something to celebrate."

"And then you kissed Draco. Did he seem to find it unpleasant?" Blaise lifts an amused eyebrow.

"I don't know." He thinks for a while. "No, I think he liked it. The way he looked after the kiss..." Harry blushes slightly. "I don't think I ever have seen anything that attractive."

"How did he look?" He leans forward with a curious expression.

"Well... His hair is always perfectly in place, but then it was all messed up, and he was breathing fast. And his expression... he looked like he didn't really know where he was or what was happening or anything at all." Harry's eyes are far away. "And just seeing him, if it wasn't for Ginny, nothing could have kept me away from him right then."

"In other words, he was completely blissed out. I don't think you need to worry about your kissing skills. Too bad you're as faithful as you are, it would have been interesting to see what would have happened if you had stayed with him."

"You knew it. You said I was the cheating kind. I was such a worthless boyfriend to Ginny." His face falls again.

"Oh, come on. It was just an innocent kiss."

"There was nothing innocent about that kiss, I assure you."

"Harry, I don't think you're worthless because of a stupid kiss. Do you think I would have encouraged you if I thought it was wrong?"

"Yes, I think you would. I think you would have done anything it took to make me crawl out of that damn closet." Harry's voice is slightly bitter.

"You may have a point. But it was all a question of your stubbornness." He sighs. "Honestly, I never think it went anywhere bad. A kiss is not a big thing. What screws with you is that it had such an effect on you, but it still wasn't more than a kiss. Girl Weasley would have forgiven that with a laugh in a heartbeat."

"I just wanted to try..." A miserable sigh follows Harry's words.

"Yeah, and thank heaven you did! Imagine if you had married her and come to this conclusion five years later."

Harry looks up at him. "I probably never would have came to this conclusion without you. I guess I should thank you. It's been a bloody mess, but even though I've lost the safety of Ginny I feel like I'm standing more steadily anyway."

"You've been living in a world of denial. Of course the ground is more steady now when you're not balancing on fragile lies." Blaise gives him an understanding smile. "And you're welcome." He brushes away something from his knee. "Now, what about your coming chat with Draco?"

"I can't tell him, I just can't." A note of hysteria sneaks into his voice when he speaks.

"Harry, you've faced You-Know-Who, shouldn't you be able to talk to Draco? I highly doubt that there will be any life-threatening situations."

"But that was about saving everyone else, this is about _me_. What if he doesn't want me? What if he _wants_ me?" The hysteria is more distinct.

"Calm down. We start with the apology, and then we can work on the next step later. Does that sound like a good idea?" Blaise stands up and puts a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Yeah." Harry rubs his face. "Yeah, I guess so."

"So, I don't suppose you've done all of your homework yet?" He gives Harry a calculating look.

"No, I still have Arithmancy left. Why?"

"Then I suggest that you take your books to the library and ask Draco if you can sit with him." Blaise gives him a smile that's almost a grin.

"No, no, I'm not having that discussion with him, not in the library, not tonight. No way." Harry presses his lips together.

"I'm not asking you to, stupid. Just spend some time with him, I'm sure you'll both enjoy it. It won't hurt you to get to know each other better, and not just by talking about the big things in life." He smiles. "Off you go."

"I guess I can do that..." Harry slowly finds his books and unlocks the door. He looks back at Blaise who gives him an encouraging nod, and then he heads for the library.

* * *

><p>Draco starts to get bored. Blaise asked him to meet him up in the Quidditch stands after lunch, he just had a thing he had to talk with Harry about first. He promised to make it short, and that he would follow in no time at all. It seems like Blaise is as unreliable as always. He sighs. If he only had brought some of his books. It's Saturday, and he had planned to do the most of his homework today. But he didn't think he should be left on his own for any longer time. At last there is steps in the stairs, and two voices comes closer. Two. Blaise brought Harry.<p>

"Hey, Draco! Sorry that it took some time, Harry had to do something first." Blaise walks over to him, perfectly unaffected.

"I see." Draco looks at Harry, who seems highly surprised to see him there. He starts to smell one of Blaise's plans, and out of experience he starts to worry. "Potter." He nods at Harry.

"Um, hi Malfoy." He sends an almost scared glance at Blaise, who just grins.

Blaise leans at the railing, indicating the seat next to Draco for Harry. "Sit down, you never know how long you'll be here." When Harry is placed beside Draco he nods. "Since we are here all three I thought – " He interrupts himself. "Oh, I forgot! I promised Ron..." He gives them a apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I have to run. But I'm sure you two can entertain each other. And I'm sure that you, Harry, can find something to talk about." The look he gives Harry is not even pretending to be discreet.

"Um." Harry's eyes are wide and tinted with panic when he watches Blaise go. When they are alone he turns his eyes to his shoes.

"So." Draco sighs. "Blaise went to a lot of trouble to give you the opportunity to talk to me alone. What is it you want to say?" When he doesn't get any answer he sighs again. "You can tell it to your shoes if you'd like, but if you change your mind I'm up here."

Harry looks up, cheeks slightly blushed and eyes unsure. "I just... it's..." He bites his lip. "Malfoy, do you remember the day when I thought you had taken my Potions book?" He looks down again, obviously ashamed.

"Yes, I do. You made a... forceful impression on me that day."

"I'm so sorry, Malfoy." Harry meets his eyes. "I'd had a lousy day, I just have had a public row with Ginny in the middle of Gryffindor common room, not being able to find my book was just the last straw. It's not an excuse for how I acted, but an explanation, and I'm really, really sorry for hitting you." His eyes are pained but his face hopeful, and Draco couldn't have said no to that face even if he wanted to.

"Thank you. Stop being so miserable, that's behind us now. No hard feelings." Draco fights down a impulse to touch Harry's cheek.

"But you got bruises, right?" He still looks pained.

"Yes I did. But they are long since gone now, so don't ask me to strip this time. Not even for you would I undress outside at this time of year." That's a lie of course, but Harry doesn't need to know all that Draco would do for him.

A small smile plays on Harry's lips. "Then I'll be nice and won't threaten to rip off your clothes either." A glimpse of something passes in his eyes. "Unless you'd like me to of course." His teasing smile is in place, but there's a hint of nervousness underneath.

"I see." Draco swallows and tries to stop his breathing from quickening. "Is it an open offer or do I have to decide right now?"

"I'm not sure..." He rubs his chin, pretending to think. "I don't think I'll strip you in the middle of the Great Hall during lunch for one, so I guess it's an open offer with some reservations."

"Will there be a list of the reservations, or do I have to go with trial and error?"

"Since I'm standing for the ripping part, I think it's only fair if you do some of the other work." Harry nods seriously.

"Of course, that's only fair. I take it it's not an one time offer either then?" Draco feels his heart beat hard.

"No, no. If you just avoid my reservations I will rip your clothes off as often as you like." By now Harry has a hard time keeping his face straight, and Draco feels how a smile tugs at his lips too. Their eyes meet and they start to laugh.

"It's comforting to know that the Saviour will come to save me when I have a dire need of getting stripped." Draco grins broadly at him.

Harry's grin falters. "Malfoy?"

"Yes?" He stops smiling too and looks worried.

"This is probably going to sound really strange... Scratch that, this is a really strange thing to ask, but... What can I do to save you?"

Draco stares at him, first in confusion, but then his face pales. Does Harry know about his feelings? Or at least suspect something? "N...no, nothing I think. Why would I need saving?"

"I don't know, but I can see now that it obviously is something." He sighs. "I know that it's not my business, but I can't stand to see your face like that. If there is something I can do for you, please tell me. I don't want you to suffer like that." He tilts his head with a serious expression. "Sorry to bring it up, but is it your father?"

"Wait, wait, stop right there. 'See my face like that'? 'Suffer like that'? What are you talking about?" The confusion is back on Draco's face.

"Well..." Harry squirms a bit. "There was your face as we went home for Christmas, you looked so utterly devastated. It haunted me all through the Christmas holidays." He bites his lip. "And then your eyes are always so sad, and I've never seen you smile a really happy smile, and I'd like that, and..." His face gets redder and redder. "And in my dreams you always ask me to save you." He looks down in the floor, face burning.

This time Draco follows his impulse, and placing his hand under Harry's chin he lifts his head up until he can look him in the eyes. "You don't want me to be unhappy." He swallows, and it would be so easy to kiss him now, they are sitting so close. Just leaning a little bit forward... But no. Bad idea. "Do you know how much that means to me?"

And suddenly it is all just too much. His name, his father, his probation and his actual actions during the war. And now Harry is telling him that he thinks of him, worries for him, dreams of him. Not to mention that he's sitting so close, that Draco feels the warmth from his chin in his hand, and he just can't stand it any more. Feeling the tears beginning to fall he starts to stand up to flee, but a firm hand captures his arm and pulls him back down. Then another hand get placed behind his head, and resolutely moves it towards a waiting shoulder. When Draco relaxes against Harry's shoulder and lets his tears fall freely, Harry starts stroking his back.

"Malfoy. Please tell me. What can I do?"

"I hate it when you call me that. Every time you say that name I get reminded of what a despicable being I am. How worthless I am and how hopeless my life is." The words are spoken down into Harry's shoulder and are interrupted by sobs every now and then.

"Then there actually is something I can do. If you'd like. You see, I'm pretty tired of being the Potter you talked about. I'd much rather be the Harry. Do you want me to call you Draco instead?" There's a clear note of nervousness in his voice, and his thumb is massaging a spot between Draco's shoulder blades.

"I think I'd like that." The tears are subsiding, but there are still sobs breaking through.

"Draco. What can I do to help you?" Harry goes back to the stroking, and he sounds worried.

Slowly and reluctantly Draco lifts his head from Harry's shoulder, drying his cheeks before he meets Harry's eyes. "I'm sorry, but I don't think there is anything you can do. Believe it or not, but there are things that are beyond your power."

Harry frowns. "Can't you at least tell me what's wrong? And let me try to help?"

"There's really nothing you can do. You can't change what I did during the war, or the fact that I'm a sentenced criminal. You can't do anything about the fact that my father is a soulless, calculating living nightmare, unless you've planned to kill him, but I very much doubt that. You can't do anything about me being forced to bear one of the most hated names in the country. You can't save me from what I am, a worthless, despairing, pathetic excuse for a human being." His voice turns bitter in the end, and a shaking in it indicates that the tears are still around. Clenching his jaw, he looks down at his folded hands in his lap.

"I can't really do much about you being in despair right now, that takes time, but you're not pathetic and you're not worthless. You're still worth just as much as you would have been if you had befriended me in the sixth year, turning your back to Voldemort in an open way. Your battle in this war wasn't for ideals like so many others, you fought for your own survival and for love. There are much worse things to fight for." The hand is there again, stroking Draco's cheek once and then disappears again. "You have proven yourself to be a caring, feeling, loving being. That's something to be proud of."

"And you're so kind to me. It's almost as if you care, but – " He interrupt himself, staring down on the pitch. A single figure is walking out between the stands, broom in hand. With a toss of the head a long hair swings out, and when the figure kicks off Harry smiles.

"It's Ginny." He follows the broom as it spirals upwards. "She always does that thing with her left foot."

"How are things between you now? If you don't mind me asking." Draco looks up at the flying girl.

"As good as you can expect, I suppose. She's not really happy to see me, but she doesn't start to cry or shout any more."

"And how did she take the fact that you're gay? After she had calmed down a little. I take it it wasn't that popular." Draco keeps his eyes on the broom, away from Harry.

"Actually I think it was both positive and negative for her. It was nice for her in some way to know that there wasn't anything she could have done differently, it really wasn't anything wrong with her."

"Except for her being a girl."

"Except for that. But that's not really something that she can change." He frowns. "She wasn't that happy about the thought that I was faking all the time I was with her though."

"Excuse me for asking, and tell me off if you'd like, but how do you fake having sex with someone?"

"Don't ask me, we never came to that specific problem. I doubt it would have been physically possible. Maybe it would have worked if..." Harry blushes.

"Do tell me. Maybe a situation will arise in which I could use your advice." Draco glances at Harry's light red face.

"Well, don't talk about this, OK? Neither me nor Ginny need for people to start talking about it." He takes a deep breath. "When me and Ginny at least started to give it a try, only reason that we even got further than kissing was... was that I pretended that Ginny was a boy."

"I guess that could do the trick, to an extent at least. What did she say about it? She can't have been happy."

"I didn't tell her, and I don't intend to either. There are some things she doesn't need to know, things that will only hurt her." He thoughtfully pinches his lower lip, eyes on Ginny.

"She still means a lot to you." Draco steals another glance at Harry.

"Yes, she does. But she's more or less been a part of my family the latest seven years, it's not that strange that I love her. Just not in the way she wants."

"And you never found it... different to marry someone in your own family?" There's a doubting expression on Draco's face.

"No. Ginny has been in love with me since she was eleven years old, everyone first hoped and later knew that me and Ginny was a set deal. I never really questioned it, as I saw it, it was the right thing to do." A displeased frown forms on his face. "I wish I'd been open to other thoughts a bit earlier, it would have spared me a lot of trouble." He gives Draco an odd glance.

Draco chews on his lip. "Were you happy with her?"

"Partly. As long as I was her closest friend and companion everything was perfect. But then, well, I can say it like Blaise did. When she started to kiss me, I started to run. Not that I listened to him back then."

"Listened to him? What, he tried to convince you that you were gay? For how long?" Draco looks at Harry in surprise.

"More or less since term started in September. And I wouldn't use the word convince, dragging me out of the closet kicking and screaming is more like it. But in a sneaky way of course." Harry smiles. "And I'm glad he did. So many things have just fallen into place lately."

Draco's face suddenly gets blank. "Harry. Did Blaise tell you to kiss me?" When he sees Harry blush he stands up to leave, but once again a strong hand holds him in place.

"It wasn't like that. Please sit down." Harry's eyes are begging and a part scared, and Draco just can't resist them.

"If it wasn't like that, tell me how it was then. I'm fully aware that I was used as a tool to ease your curiosity, but I don't like it if Blaise actually picked me out as the victim."

"Victim?" Harry looks stunned. "I'm so sorry, I never meant to use you, I just..." Suddenly the fear turns into anger. "I hadn't planned a single thing, I just stepped outside the door, and there you were, looking so damn tempting. I just couldn't help myself, I admit that I was curious to kiss a boy, and when you stood there, looking like that..." He makes an irritated gesture with the hand not still holding Draco's arm. "And for your information I thought it was a wonderful kiss, and stupid as I was I thought you liked it too!" He lets go of Draco's arm with a pained expression. "If you don't want to be here with me, just leave then."

"Harry..." Draco looks at him. "You... it _did_ matter that it was me? I wasn't picked because I'm the person to whom no one needs to show any respect?"

"Of course it mattered that it was you, do you think I would have kissed just anyone? And I know that I've treated you like shit, but I never thought anything like that about you. I never thought of it as using you either, but I guess I should have." He turns away and looks at the stairs as if they had been very interesting suddenly.

Draco stares at the back of Harry's head. _"And for your information I thought it was a wonderful kiss"_ Harry actually did more than just like it. And it seems like what Harry said is that he found him attractive. That he actually wanted to kiss him. And now Draco hurt him, accusing him of being a manipulative, cold bastard. Tentatively he reaches out a hand and places it on Harry's shoulder.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I know I should see it as a isolated nice happening and not like an insult." He tugs carefully at Harry's shoulder.

"So..." Harry turns reluctantly. "You thought it was nice at least?" His face is pained and disgusted. "You made me feel like I violated you. And tried to defend it."

"No, no." Draco looks at him with big eyes and a small smile threatening to break out. "I guarantee that it was totally consensual, couldn't you tell? The moment where I pulled you back would have been a hint." The smile wakes up, weak and tentative. "And yes, I liked it. You were nice to kiss." That would be the understatement of the day.

"Oh." He gives Draco a searching glance. "I honestly didn't see it as using you, I never thought that you would take it like that. " He moves uncomfortable on his seat. "I guess I have to tell you why I ever got the idea though."

Draco's eyes narrow. "That doesn't sound promising."

"Blaise and I talked about it, and agreed that I needed to find a guy who wouldn't punch me in the face if I kissed him. When I was standing there I realized that you probably wouldn't, and started to think about it." He sees Draco's face turn harder. "But I promise, I wouldn't have done it if you weren't... if you didn't look... I mean..." He takes a deep breath. "When I thought about kissing you I thought it was a good idea not just because I wanted to kiss a boy." A light blush is colouring Harry's cheeks. "I'm sorry for making you feel bad, and what about talking about something else for a while?"

"Apology accepted, and sure." Draco's heart beats fast. Harry wasn't doing it only to use him for his own curiosity. _"I thought it was a good idea not just because I wanted to kiss a boy."_ That must mean that Harry did it because he actually finds him attractive, right? He looks up at Ginny, who's doing dives and rolls, and seems to be having a lot of fun. In the corner of his eye he can see that Harry is doing the same. They sit in silence for some time.

"She's good." Draco rubs his fingers, his eyes still on the girl.

"Yeah, she is." The silence falls again, both of them watching the flier.

Draco decides that his hands are as warm as they will be, rests one on his lap and lets the other drop down at his side. It's just that Harry has done the same, and now he can feel the back of Harry's hand brush against his. And he's not sure how it happens, if it is Harry or he who moves, but suddenly Harry's hand is in his, fingers laced in his. He doesn't know how it happened, he doesn't know why it happened or what, if anything, it means, but he does know that he enjoys every second of it. Harry, like all Gryffindors, is physical, it's possible that this means nothing more than an indication of friendship to him, but Draco allows himself to dream that it does. They sit silent, hand in hand and follows every move of the Gryffindor Seeker until she lands and leaves the pitch. Then Harry lets go of Draco's hand and stands up.

"Maybe we should go inside too?" The colour on his cheeks could be from the wind, but he really doesn't look Draco in the eyes.

"I guess so." Draco sighs, and follows Harry down the stairs and back to the castle.

* * *

><p>"Harry Potter!"<p>

Harry, Ron and Hermione turn around in the corridor, being met of the picture of a Ginny with grim face and her hands on her hips.

"You and I need to talk. Soon." She glares at him.

"Um... We're just on our way to the library, can it wait?" Harry looks confused and a bit uneasy. A pissed off Ginny is never good news.

"Yes, I think so. We'll need some time. You have got some explaining to do." Her face is furious.

"Ginny?" Hermione takes a tentative step forward. "What is this about all of a sudden?"

"It's about Harry being a lying bastard who needs to make amends." She turns back to Harry. "After dinner I expect to be let in to your dormitory, and you better have made sure that it's empty by then." With a toss of her head she turns around, hair flying over her shoulder, and walks away down the corridor.

"Harry, mate, what have you done now?" Ron looks at him in compassion.

"Honestly, I have no idea." He stares after her as she turns the corner.

oOo

When Harry opens the door for Ginny he is rather nervous. Ginny is a force to be reckoned with when she's angry, and Harry seems to be her target this evening. He leads her through the common room, feeling the eyes on them. Ron and Hermione are reading at the fire, and they both turn their heads to look at him. Ron nods at him in a quiet 'good luck', and Hermione looks pensive and a bit worried. On the other side of the room Blaise and Draco are looking up from their books. None of them really objected to being kicked out for the near future, but both of them were very curious. Blaise asked what it was about, and didn't really buy that Harry didn't know. Draco was totally blank, and the almost cold look in his eyes made Harry assure them three times over that no, he wasn't getting back on with Ginny, and no, he really really didn't want that. At last he lost his patience and declared that if Ginny couldn't accepted him as gay but tried to make any moves, he would without doubt kick her down the stairs himself. At this he saw the shadow of a smile on Draco's face, and he realized that it was as good as he could get it. And now he's here, Ginny as his side, and soon they will be in the dormitory where her wrath will hit him.

"Why don't you sit down?" Harry waves vaguely at the beds while closing the door. He doesn't bother lock it, he doubt that any of the other guys are stupid enough to interrupt a pissed off Ginny.

"No thank you, that won't be necessary." She glares at him. "But by all means, do sit down." She points at Harry's bed, and he decides to just sit down without argument.

"You wanted to talk with me about something?" He tries to look unaffected.

"Harry Potter, do you think I'm blind?" The look in her eyes can probably cut stone.

"Um, no?"

"Good, I just wanted to have that question out of the way." Her hands are up on her hips again. "Now. Why did you lie to me? It was such an stupid lie."

"Ginny, I..." Harry blinks and tries to follow her reasoning.

"You had already hurt me like hell, did you really think that would make any difference?" She snorts angrily. "How did you think it would be for me to get to know it from someone else? To get your lie thrown in my face like that?"

"You know that I hate to hurt you, and I have honestly no idea what you're talking about." He looks wary, waiting for the incoming storm.

"Would you care to guess how long I watched you before you saw me?" Her foot is tapping and she's fuming.

"Oh. This is about me and Draco?" Harry feels his mouth go dry.

"Yes, this is about you and _Malfoy_, and I can see that you don't look forward to that discussion. Let me have a guess."

"Ginny, I have no idea, and I don't know what it is you actually want." He swallows and moves unconsciously a little bit away from her.

"I saw you laugh together, and I was surprised, you've never shown anyone that you're that good friends. So I stayed, and what did I get to see? Well, I assure you that I was even more surprised when I saw him lift your face up for a kiss!"

"No, Ginny, it wasn't like that-"

"And when you sat the next second and held each other, I had a feeling that I'd been kept out of the loop somehow." Her eyes are narrowed and fixed at Harry.

"No, no, he was sad, I was just comforting him." Harry gives her a pleading look.

"And that was what you touching him was about too? Can you look me in the eyes and say that your hand on his cheek was only a classmate comforting another?"

Harry blushes. "Um, I was..."

"No, I didn't think so." She crosses her arms over her chest instead. "I thought that if I showed you that you had an audience, maybe you would behave. But no, you're really not afraid to be caught."

"What do you mean?" He looks confused.

"I'm a _Seeker_, Harry. I'm trained to sit on a broom and spot small details." She shakes her head in contempt. "You didn't think I would _see_ you holding hands?"

"Oh. That." The blush comes back in full force. "You have to understand, it was – "

"No! I don't have to do anything. But _you_ have to come with a nice apology for lying like that." Her voice starts to shake, if it is in wrath or because of close tears is hard to say. "And an explanation. I think I have the right to know."

"Ginny, what is this lie you're talking about?"

"You told me that you weren't leaving me for Malfoy. You said that you weren't in love, he just got some of your attention." The shaking in her voice is more likely due to coming tears than wrath now.

Harry squirms on the bed. "You see Ginny, it's a bit complicated..."

"No, it's very simple. Are you in love with Malfoy?"

"Yes." He looks down in the floor.

She snorts. "And how long have you been?"

He pales slightly and shoots a fast glance at Ginny. "A couple of years I think."

"What?" She stares at him. "You're kidding me, right?"

"No. I just wasn't sure what my feelings for him meant. All the things I felt when he was around... I didn't know back then. As far as I knew I was in love with you, so those feelings had to be something else. And since I was very straight and he was a boy, there wasn't even the hint of an idea that it could be something like that."

"I see." She sinks down on Ron's bed. "But you still lied to me."

"Ginny, I have lived so hard in denial the latest years that it's a wonder that I even can breathe. Some of it might actually, as people like to tell me, have started in the fact that I had to save the world first, there wasn't really a place for complicated things like this. And when all was over... I just wanted everything to be simple and normal. When I talked with you I was still in forceful denial regarding my feelings for Dra...alfoy."

"Oh, just call him Draco, you don't have to pretend any more." She sighs. "I take it you haven't been a couple for very long then?"

Harry stares at her. "A couple? Me and Draco?" He snorts. "I wish."

"But..." Ginny blinks and looks at him in confusion. "What was all that over at the Quidditch stands about then?"

"That was about Blaise forcing Draco to spend time with me, followed up with a sad boy needing comfort, and me being too cowardly to actually tell him how I feel." He sighs. "And for the holding hands... I have no idea what that was about."

Ginny seems to be thinking intensely. "But Harry..." The look in her eyes makes Harry swallow hard. "If you've been in love with him for so long... You said that had feelings for him. When we were kissing in the common room and you said that you were thinking of Malfoy instead, can you please tell me what you were thinking about him then?"

"Um, I rather not." Harry bites his lip.

"You bastard!" She jumps up from the bed again. "Not even when you were with me- Oh no, you didn't." The fiery glare makes Harry openly move a bit away from her. "Kissing me was so disgusting that you had to think about that awful boy meanwhile to get through it?"

"Not really. I mean, not all the time. No, I didn't..."

"Not all the time? So what did you think of? Did you pretend that I was him?" The shaking in her voice is definitely wrath this time.

"No, no, it was only one time." Harry tries to sound assuring.

"Only one time?" Her shrill voice makes Harry dodge. "You pretended I was him? That you were kissing him instead of me? Touching him instead of me?" She takes a step closer. "When?"

"Um." Harry has a feeling that pretty much everything is wrong answer now. So he takes the easiest way, he goes for the truth. "The night before I broke up with you."

"I don't believe you! One of the best moments we had together, when we _finally_ connected and I could feel that you actually _wanted_ to be with me. And it was all a ruse, in your mind you were making out with _him_!"

In the last second Harry gets up an arm, stopping the book from Ron's bed to collide with his face. He rubs his arm were the book hit him, trying to sound soothing. "But it wasn't for real, it's not as if I actually did it."

"But you wished it was for real! All this time, all these years, and you was actually thinking of him all the time." She's fuming with anger now. "That bastard stole my boyfriend from me. I'm going to kill him." With that she turns and hurries out the door.

Harry runs after Ginny as she's disappearing down the stairs. "Ginny, wait!" He keeps following her with a worried frown, a pissed off Ginny is not only a terrifying Ginny, it's also an unpredictable Ginny. "Can't we talk about this?" Not knowing what he will see he reluctantly steps out in the common room, and to his horror he sees her marching right up to the table where Blaise and Draco is sitting.

"Malfoy." Ginny's glare is pure hate.

"Ginny, wait!" Harry takes the last steps up to her and puts a tentative hand on her arm. "Let's go somewhere and talk about this, OK?"

She shakes off his hand, eyes still boring into Draco. "I should have done this a long time ago." Before anyone has time to react she lifts her arm, and then the sound of the slap echoes in the common room.

"Hey, what was that about?" Blaise stand up and frowns at Ginny. "You can't just..."

Ginny gives him a withering glance, turns around, and glides out of the room.

Harry looks down at Draco. He's sitting with his head bowed, slightly blushed under the red mark on his cheek, and is a picture of humiliation. Feeling all the eyes boring into his back he reaches out and puts a hesitant hand on Draco's shoulder.

"I'm sorry about that, Draco. She tends to be upset sometimes, and then... yeah."

For half a second Draco looks extremely vulnerable, but then his face quickly turns to stone. He stands up and starts to haphazardly shove his books in his bag. "I don't need your pity, Potter." He takes his bag and passes Harry without glancing at him, soon disappearing up the stairs to the dormitory.

oOo

Pansy knocks at the door-frame, standing in the open door to the boys' dormitory. "Draco, may I come in?"

"Yeah, sure." Draco is sitting on his bed with his back to the room. "I'm not really in the mood for any meaningless chattering right now though."

"I'm not stupid." She sighs and climbs up on his bed, sitting cross-legged next to him. "I did some damage control."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I told Potter, discreetly, that you were just upset over what happened, and that you really didn't mean to sound as dismissive as you did." She pats his shoulder.

"It's no use, I just blew all that we built up this afternoon." He hides his face in his hands. "I'm such an idiot."

"I don't think it's so bad, he actually smiled a bit when I told him." She starts poking his arm. "What happened this afternoon?"

"I and Harry was sitting down on the Quidditch stands, and it was... strange. Good strange." He looks at her. "He apologized for a thing he's done, and then we started sharing a private joke, which by the way was about him stripping me, and then we were laughing together."

"That sounds good. He has my approval if he makes you laugh."

"Then we started to talk about... well, in a short version he said that he cared about me, and that he didn't want me to be unhappy." Draco squirms. "Then I got a bit... upset, and he... he wouldn't let me go, so he... held me until things were better." He looks intently down on his shoes. "And he kept asking what he could do to make my life better."

"Draco, this sounds really good. Look what progress you've made. From the boy who treated you like yesterday's re-heated coffee, to the boy who comforts you and worries about how you feel."

"Well, I've spoiled it all now, haven't I? He offered, very nervously, for me to call him Harry, and for him to call me Draco." He snorts and looks down on his hands. "And then I go ahead and call him Potter anyway, even though he used my first name. I just..." He runs a hand through his hair. "I was just so trapped and humiliated and... he was the first one who was stupid enough to approach me."

"I talked to him, and I think he understands that. With the afternoon you had I don't think you should worry. Feelings like that don't just disappear." She tries to put some of Draco's hair back in place.

"It wasn't the end. There was more." He scratches on one of his nails.

"It wasn't? Tell me."

"You sound like Blaise." The nail gets thoroughly inspected.

"Oh come on, tell me. I can see that it's something good." She pokes him hard on the arm.

Draco is inspecting his nails, one at a time. "Well, we talked about the kiss."

"That was about time! What did he say? Did he think it was good? Did he want more?"

"He said... he said that it was a wonderful kiss. And that he didn't do it only because he was curious about boys." A light pink colour spreads over Draco's cheeks. "He also said that he found me tempting and that he just couldn't help himself from kissing me when he saw me."

Pansy squeals and claps her hands. "Yes, yes, yes!"

"And then he apologized for making me feel like he had used me, since that never was his intention." One of the nails gets a close examination.

"Draco, he told you that he wants you! Why didn't you kiss him? Did you kiss him?" She looks like she's going to burst with excitement.

"No Pansy, I didn't kiss him. Just because he maybe thinks that I'm attractive, it doesn't mean that he likes me. And even though it was heavenly to kiss him, I don't want to be someone he kisses just for fun. I know my life isn't worth much, but I'd like to retain some self-esteem." His face grows bitter at the end.

"But Draco, maybe he does like you. That's more or less the last thing we have to find out."

"I think you're a bit too optimistic again. If he really liked me, why didn't he kiss me?" Draco abandons his nails and starts scratching at his trousers instead.

"Maybe he's shy?" She tilts her head and looks at him.

"And does The Saviour of the Wizard World strike you as the shy type?"

"Does _Harry_ strike you as the shy type?"

"You've got a point. I don't know." He sighs. "He is brave, that much I do know. But maybe you can be both brave and shy at the same time?"

"Well, I can always ask Blaise, he'd know." Pansy winks at him.

"No. Not Blaise. He's as trustworthy as snow in June when it comes to those things, we won't drag Blaise into this." Draco shakes his head.

"I'd say that it's a good idea." Harry's voice from behind them make them both jump.

Draco spins around. "How long have you been here?" He pales slightly, looking at Harry and swallowing.

"Not long. I didn't mean to eavesdrop on you." He smiles tentatively.

"How much did you hear?" Draco's face is pale but well composed.

"Just that Blaise was supposed to know something, and that you didn't want to involve him." He gets unsure and a bit worried. "I promise, I didn't mean to listen to your discussion, but the door was open and... well... this is my dormitory after all. I was just on my way here and your voices could be heard through the open door. If I had known it was a private discussion..."

"It's fine, don't worry." Pansy tries a tentative smile, but ends up staring at his shoes. "We were just surprised."

Harry looks at Pansy and bites his lip, then he turns to Draco. "Draco." Insecurity flies over his face. "Malfoy. Um, whatever you prefer. I wanted to find you actually. To see if you still were mad at me. Are you?"

"If you still want to call me Draco, I do prefer that." He stands up and walks around the bed so he faces Harry. "I was never angry with you, and I'm only angry with myself now."

"Well, you had every right to be mad at me, I thought... Am I involved in you being angry with yourself, or am I happily excluded?"

Draco looks over at Pansy, and then back. "I'm angry with myself for being an arse to you, when you only tried to be nice. I'm sorry for all of it, but I just felt so humiliated, and you made everybody aware of it." He tries not to be obvious when he stares at Harry as he unconsciously unbuttons the upper buttons in his shirt. "Why would it be your fault?"

"I thought, since I and Ginny... Parkinson, do you mind giving us some private time?" A small frown wakes on his face.

"No, no, of course not." She jumps down from the bed and hurries through the room, only stopping to give Draco an one-armed hug before she hurries on and disappears down the stairs.

"So, what did you say to your ex that made her so mad at me?" Draco feels his heart beat hard. It's just too easy to imagine different, lovely answers to that question.

Harry closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. His face is determined and he is looking straight into Draco's eyes. "I told her that I... that..." He seems to run out of steam, and obviously changing his mind about something he looks away. When he looks back he has a frustrated and almost disappointed expression, but it quickly goes away and he starts on another alternative. "There was this one time when we had one of our public rows, and it kind of started when I admitted that I was thinking of you when I was supposed to kiss her. I kind of forgot to kiss her halfway, and she didn't like that."

"You were... thinking of me?"

"Yeah, Blaise had just told me that you were gay, and I wondered if there were any way to tell just by looking at you. And I couldn't really tell her that... well... yeah, you should already know this by now, I couldn't tell her that I wondered if I could have figured out that you were gay since you were... attractive." He blushes. "Anyway. She remembered more times when I was talking about you, and she..."

"...made some assumptions." Draco tries to hide his disappointment, it had sounded so good to start with.

"Yeah, something like that." Harry looks uneasy. "But I'm sure that she won't talk about it, you don't have to worry about her spreading rumours."

"I've told you before, I couldn't care less what people say about me. You're the one with something to lose here, my situation can't be worse." He looks away, his lips a tight line.

"Do you think they would say bad things about you?" A surprised frown forms on his face. "Why would they do that?"

"Well, firstly because I'm a despicable excuse for a human being who doesn't deserves to clean your shoes, and even less deserves to come close to you. Being your boyfriend would be blasphemy. But whatever they do to me, it can't make my life sink deeper than the bottom. So I wouldn't care."

"Yeah, but I would care." He waits until Draco looks back at him again. "If you actually were my boyfriend I would care what they said about you. If you were my boyfriend I would fight for you." His eyes are intense, and Draco looks away again.

"Yes, but I'm not your boyfriend. Maybe you just have to resign yourself to the fact that you can't save me." He observes Harry's shoes intently. "You can't save me from who I am." And then there is suddenly a hand on his cheek, lifting his head up until his eyes meet Harry's.

"Don't be so sad. Please, don't be sad." Harry looks pained and worried and something that Draco can't really make out what it is.

"Then give me something to smile about." Draco is tired and weary, and he's almost had as much as he can take. Again.

"So I was thinking..." Blaise stops dead in the door opening, staring at Harry's hand on Draco's cheek. "Never mind me, sorry, sorry!" He starts backing out.

Harry lets his hand fall, turning his head to Blaise. "It's no problem. Come on in." He turns back, takes a step closer Draco and lowers his voice. "If there is anything that I can do for you, please tell me. Anything at all." Then he moves over to his bed and sits down, starting to talk to Blaise about the Ravenclaw Seeker.

Draco stands still, looking at Harry. _"Anything at all." _Come back here. Give me back that hand, that look. Give me something to smile about.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

* * *

><p>Harry is spending Saturday night sitting with Ron at one of the tables in the common room when Blaise comes over to them.<p>

"I think you're done with your studies for now." He smiles when he sees Ron and Harry's surprised faces.

"Um, Hermione may eat us alive if we leave these charts unfinished." Harry doesn't seem convinced. "She promised, and not in a good way, to come and check on us later."

"Harry, you faced You-Know-Who, how scary can she be?" Blaise rolls his eyes.

"Are we talking about the same person? Ridiculous discipline, bushy hair and always dragging that one around?" He points at Ron.

Ron splutters and Blaise laughs.

"Honestly, Harry, I need to talk to you. Get your books together and come over here." He turns to Ron. "If it helps you feel better I can admit that I haven't even started on my chart, you can help me figure it out. That way at least one of you goes free from the taskmaster dragon's wrath."

Harry slowly starts to collect his books and mess of parchment. He frowns when he follows Blaise a bit away. "This better be good."

"I don't know if it is good, but I'd say that it's important." Blaise stops and turns to him. "Draco wants to talk to you."

"Um." Harry looks around. "Then why isn't he here?"

"We have made a deal. He is waiting in our room for you, and I'm making sure that you won't get interrupted. I'm ensuring that Ron stays down here, if I so have to chain him to the floor I will, and we will stay away until either you or Draco comes down." He sees Harry throw a glance towards the girls dormitories. "I promise, I'll even keep the dragon out."

"Well, what did he want? Draco, that is." He chews on his lip.

"Something about a nightmare. I take it that you know what that means." He squeezes Harry's arm. "Get up there and talk to him. I guarantee that no one will disturb you, you're on your own until one of you gets back here."

Harry looks thoughtful. "Thank you." He takes his bag and heads for his dormitory. So Draco wants to talk about the dream, at last. Harry has been curious, no denying that. What could Draco have dreamt that affected him that strongly? What could he have dreamt about Harry? What was he thinking when he woke up and stared at him? Well, hopefully he'll get to know soon. When he enters he sees Draco sitting on the bed, composed but pale.

"Can you lock the door please? I do trust Blaise with things like this, but just in case." Draco's voice is shaking slightly, and he looks down in the floor.

"Of course." Harry locks the door, leaves his bag at his own bed and walks over to Draco. "You wanted to talk to me?" He sits down next to him.

"Yes." He keeps his eyes on the floor.

"About your nightmare?" Harry tilts his head a bit, trying to see Draco's face.

"Yes." Still no movement.

"Um, Draco? Don't you think this will work better if you looked at me? Sometimes?"

"Yes."

"And maybe if you said something more than 'Yes'?"

"Yes. I know. This is hard for me, OK?"

"I can see that." Harry puts a hand on Draco's arm. "If it's this hard, are you sure that you really want to tell me?"

Draco looks up at last, meeting Harry's eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. I want to share this with you. I think I need it." He sighs. "It's just... hard."

"Come." Harry climbs up on the bed and reaches out a hand for Draco, who stops breathing and just stares at the hand in something close to panic.

"Please don't..." He takes a few deep breaths and reaches out and takes the hand. Holding Harry's hand hard he closes his eyes for a moment, and then he climbs up on the bed too.

"You look at me as if I'm going to disappear any moment." He gives him a small smile.

"Yes." Draco's voice is almost a whisper. "Please don't." He lets go of Harry's hand and sits down, half turned to face him.

Harry looks confused. "I'm not going anywhere. Blaise promised that we would have all the time we need, you don't have to be afraid that I will leave."

"But you do. Every night." His eyes are pained and he clenches his hands hard.

"Um. No?" He looks even more confused. "I'm not going anywhere at night. I don't really follow you now."

"In my dream."

"You have it every night? The same dream?" Harry looks at him with big eyes.

"Almost every night, and it's always the same." He looks away, and then back to Harry with a calculating expression. "Harry, I've changed my mind. I want to talk about something else first."

"Oh. I guess that's fine. What?" He frowns slightly.

"I..." Draco swallows. "I want us to talk about before the fire."

Harry looks down on the bed, the frown more marked. "That's a pretty sensitive topic, are you sure?That will probably be hard on our... relationship with each other."

"Or it will make it stronger, if we can talk about it and live through it." He's still pale, but his expression is determined.

"Maybe." He looks up, eyes unsure. "Don't you see, this is where I must face that my trust in you were misplaced, that you were lying to me after all."

"What?" The hands get clenched again. "When am I supposed to have lied?"

"You said that you never wanted me any harm, but that day you brought your two friends to find me and capture me, or just kill me." Harry looks really sad and disappointed.

"Did it really seem like that to you? That I was in charge, and the other two did my bidding? That they were doing what I told them?" His voice is low but his eyes intense.

Harry frowns, sitting quiet for some seconds. "Well... no. It wasn't really like you had any control over them."

"Did you see me firing a single spell at you or your friends?"

"Noo..." The frown is deep now.

"Do you remember the three times I acted in some way?"

"I don't know..." A very small ray of hope can be seen in Harry's eyes.

"The first time I tried to stop them from burying the diadem you obviously needed badly. I had to yank him back physically, but it worked." He looks straight into Harry's eyes. "Second time I tried to interfere was when Crabbe started to use Unforgivables. I knew he wouldn't shy away from using the killing curse, and I had to at least try to stop him, try to distract him."

"Yes, I remember. He tried to _Crucio_ me, and you yelled at him not to kill me, that you needed me alive." The frown is still there, but his face is unsure, and there's definitely a ray of hope.

"And then all hell broke loose. Your friends were there and there were spells flying everywhere. I had lost my wand and was totally useless. And then I saw how both Crabbe and Goyle were aiming for you, and I was so sickeningly afraid..." He moves a hand over his eyes.

"...and you yelled. You yelled so loudly the roof almost came down. You yelled for them not to kill me. And that bought me the extra second I needed to disarm Goyle." A smile dawns on Harry's face, and he leans over and takes Draco's hand. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" He looks tired and haunted.

"For doubting you. You helped me again, I just didn't see it." He strokes Draco's hand with his thumb. "I can't believe you didn't tell me this before."

"I don't like talking about the fire." He looks down, poking at the cover.

"Is it because of Crabbe's death?"

Draco snorts. "You're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, so I'll just keep my mouth shut."

"Oh." Harry blinks, then a knowing expression comes over his face. "Oh, I see. This is where the dream comes in."

"Yes."

"Want to tell me where it begins?" He squeezes Draco's hand. "I'll be with you all the time."

"That's what I'm afraid of. And yes, I want to tell you." He swallows. "I just want to tell you that this is very hard for me, and I might... well..." He squirms and looks down, and the pale face gets tinted in pink on the cheeks.

"Just start at the beginning, and I'm sure that we'll make it, one way or another. Where does it start?" His thumb rubs the back of Draco's hand, slow and soothing.

"It starts in the fire. When the fire was there, all around us." He takes a shaking breath. "I'm back there, but Goyle isn't there, I'm completely alone." His eyes are wide when they looks up at Harry. "When I am there the loneliness is the most painful thing ever. It... it just..." His voice breaks, and he takes a deep breath. "You have no idea how it was. The heat coming closer, the panic and the powerlessness. I was more or less already dying. In my dream I'm sitting there, just knowing that it all is over. I'm facing my own death alone, unloved and outcast. It's just so..." He presses his free hand to his mouth and looks down.

"At least you're not alone now. I know that it might not help that much against the dream, but right now I'm here with you." Harry squeezes his hand gently. "And I don't believe that you are unloved, there are those who love you."

"Whatever." His eyes are still on the cover, and his voice shakes slightly.

Harry strokes his arm. "Do you want to continue? We've done the start, what happens after that?"

"After that... That's when I see you." A sob shakes his body, he yanks back his hand and turns away. "I can't do this."

"It's all up to you, but I think you can. I know that there are things that are terrible to face, but I also know that it gets better if you manage to do it." He reaches out for Draco's arm. "I understand that this is hard for you, and I'm not judging. I'm listening."

"You're coming on your broom, through the flames..." There's another sob, and he keeps turned away from Harry. "Back then, in the fire, I couldn't believe it. I didn't dare to believe that maybe I wouldn't die after all, maybe you would help me. And you did."

"Of course I did. I heard you, and I just couldn't leave you there." Harry carefully tugs at his arm. "Come, sit here with me. There's nothing to be ashamed of, I assure you that I know how it is when memories overwhelm you."

"But you... you were such an idiot!" Draco turns around and looks at him with blank eyes and an upset face.

"Sometimes I get to hear that, but I must admit that I don't understand why this time."

"You came to save me. You should have hurried to safety, but instead you turned and saved me." A single tear trickle its way down his cheek.

"I couldn't do it any other way. I just couldn't." A hand reaches out and dries away the tear.

"But you could have died!" This time the tears are more. "You had a whole world to save out there, and you turned anyway. You risked it all for me. I don't know what you were thinking."

"I was thinking that you were sat there, waiting for your death. And there were no way in hell that I could have left you there." He strokes his hand up and down Draco's arm. "What happens in your dream? I was there on my broom."

"Yes, you are. And I see you reach out your hand for me..." There's another sob and more tears fall. "You reach out your hand, and I start to reach mine out too. It's such a wonder, my head is whooshing in relieve, joy, thankfulness. I'm not going to die, I'll survive and get a second chance at life, and I can't believe that it's actually you. And then..." The sobs gets more frequent and he hides his face in his hands.

"I'm here. You're not alone." He moves closer, tugging one of Draco's hands down and laces their fingers together. "And then?"

Draco dries his face on his sleeve and takes a deep breath. "Then I see it. Everything goes so slowly, so slowly. There's a big wave of fire, and you don't see it. And it... it rages in over you, consuming you. Excruciatingly slowly it happens, and I have to watch. All I can do is to see you die in front of my eyes, knowing that it's all because of me." With a big sigh he gives up, hiding his face in Harry's shoulder and lets the tears fall.

Harry lifts his free hand and starts stroking Draco's hair. "It's OK, I'm not dead, I'm here with you."

"But you could have died." Draco looks up with a teary face. "And it would all have been my fault." He sobs. "I see you die every night, and it rips my heart out to watch it."

"Draco, listen to me. Yes, I took a risk turning back for you, but it was _my_ decision, not yours. If we should have been so unlucky that I died in the fire it would have been _my_ fault." He strokes Draco's hair again. "But we weren't. It all went well, I was able to save you. You didn't have to die."

"I don't care if I die or not, it's not of any importance. All I can see is you, and it's more painful than anything I've ever experienced. Whatever I could do to save you, I would do it. Anything." His voice starts to shake. "But I can't do anything at all, just stand there and stare in terror as the only one who means anything goes under."

"Draco..." Harry looks down on their clutched hands, then away, and then back to Draco. He bites his lip and seems to hesitate. "You said that you don't do that hero worshipping thing."

"No, I don't." He starts to dry the tears from his face.

"Then..." There is more hesitation, and he chews his lip forcefully. "Then why is it so significant that it's just me in that dream? If it isn't because of my reputation."

Draco dries the last of his tears, and suddenly he just haven't got energy to pretend any more. With a sigh of defeat and a half-smile he looks at Harry. "There are so many other reasons to love you."

With big eyes Harry reaches out a hand and strokes Draco's cheek. Then he let his finger trace the cheekbones, the eyebrows and eyelids, and with a small smile down the nose. After that he moves to follow the jawline, and when he start to trace the lips there is a small gasp from Draco. When Harry leaves the lips he lets his hand fall, and watches Draco with an unsure expression.

"Harry?" The voice is shaky, and he slowly reaches out for Harry. Draco's hand cups his face for a moment, then he moves it, letting his fingers stroke through his hair. "Can I kiss you?"

oOo

"Finally! That was about time!" Blaise walks across the room, heading for Draco's bed.

A confused Harry blinks a couple of times as he lifts his face from the back of Draco's neck, where he seems to have been sleeping. "Huh? What? What time is it?" He tries to untangle his arm from Draco's firm grip, to be able to turn and look at Blaise properly.

"Do you know how long I've waited to find you two in the same bed?" He grins broadly.

Slowly Harry's brain starts to process the situation. He's in Draco's bed, and next to him lies Draco himself, with his back against him. Harry still has his arm around him after some unsuccessful tries to get it free, and he's fast asleep. With a determined effort and a slight blush he manages to extract his arm and turn around to face Blaise. A dissatisfied sound can be heard from behind him, there's the sound of someone moving, and then a possessive arm gets thrown around him.

"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" Blaise flutters his eyelashes. "Oh my, so cute."

Harry groans. "Is it morning or what?"

"Yes it is. Some of us wake up together in a soft bed, some of us wakes up on a sofa in the common room." He sits down on his own bed, still smiling.

"Um. Yeah, thanks for that." He rubs his eyes.

"No problem. I hoped that this would be the reason that you never came down." He leans back, propping himself up on his elbows. "And sorry for coming up here, by the way, but if you were in the same bed I thought that there was a possibility that you wanted to be woken up."

"What?" Harry blinks.

"I don't know how public you are going to be, and even though Ron is sleeping with the dragon, he's bound to come back some time. And I wanted to give you the chance to decide whether or not he finds you in the same bed."

"Oh. I don't know, we haven't talked about that." Slowly he manages to prop himself up on an elbow. "Thanks, though."

"No, I imagine you had other things to do than talk yesterday." He winks.

"Well, we managed to keep ourselves busy." A blush rises on Harry's cheeks.

"I'll take it this was more enjoyable than your earlier attempts at two people keeping each other busy?" The grin is back.

"How about that the two of you just shut it?" An irritated voice can be heard from behind Harry. "Some of us are trying to sleep." The owner of the voice starts to tug at Harry. "Come back here, I'm not done with you yet."

"I think that that's my cue." Blaise stands up, still grinning, and nods at Harry. "Remember what I said about Ron. If I were to make a guess I'd say that you have an hour or so." He leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

Harry turns back to Draco and is pulled down unceremoniously for a frustrated kiss. He manages to get some words in. "Did you hear what Blaise said?"

"I highly doubt that Blaise could ever interest me less than he does right now. Well, maybe except for the part about keeping you busy." He firmly pulls Harry in for another kiss.

"You know, we could have company any second."

"And you talk too much."

"Right now it feels like a really bad idea, but we actually have to talk. Soon."

Draco pouts. "You're no fun." He gives Harry an estimative look.

"Draco, please." Harry groans. "Ron is going to walk in through that door pretty soon, and by then we need to have decided if he should be allowed to see us like this or not." He sits up and looks at Draco with a worried frown.

"Right, right, I'll be nice." Looking sulky he sits up next to Harry. "So, do we want to hide or not?"

"It seems like you already have your opinion clear."

"I'm not saying that it's a bad idea to hide, but face it, that would be what we'd be doing." He tries to brush some of the hair away from Harry's forehead. "What do you think?"

Harry squirms a bit. "Honestly, if I'm going to tell my best friend that I have a boyfriend, I'd rather not do it by sitting in said boyfriends bed on public display."

"No, maybe not the best way to break it to him." He kisses Harry on the cheek and sighs a bit. "Get dressed and make your bed look slept in, and then we can continue this discussion in a more proper way until Weasley comes back. Does that sound good to you?"

"Yes, it does. Soon." He leans in and kisses Draco thoroughly. "Sorry. Sometimes you just have to." He nods knowingly and walks over to his own bed, messes it up and gets dressed. Looking as if he just woke up he walks over to Draco and watches him arrange his hair to perfection.

"I don't know if I like your hairstyle." Harry looks at Draco in the mirror with a frown.

Draco freezes. "What? Why not?"

"Because it prevents me from running my fingers through your hair like I want to. If I do anyway I just mess it up, which leads to two things. One, you get mad at me for ruining your hairdo, two, everyone sees what we've been up to." He grins. "But except from that I think it makes you look beautiful."

"Don't do that to me." He rolls his eyes.

"It's nice now, come and sit down." Harry tugs at his arm until he get him over to the bed. "So, nothing strange with us sitting next to each other talking, right?"

Draco gives a sigh. "So. What's your opinion?"

"I... I really don't know. One part of me says that it's no big deal, I have got a boyfriend, so what? Why should that be something to hide? But on the other side I know that it won't be that easy, there will be a whole lot of talking and general fussing. And I'm sorry to say, but honestly, people will react to it being you and me, for one reason or another. There will be a lot of unpleasantness. And looking at it that way, why does anyone else need to know? This really just concerns you and me. But then again, it would be really annoying to have to hide it all the time. I mean, I would like to show openly how I feel about you, and it would be really nice to be able to sleep with you at night. And it wouldn't feel nice to lie to my friends about it." He sighs deeply. "I have no idea."

"Well, but I have one." He leans in and kisses the corner of Harry's mouth. "What about making it to two different groups. One group that is everyone out there, and the other one a small group with people we trust. My suggestion is our closest friends only. Then we can tell them now, and wait to go public with it. That way you don't have to lie to your friends, and when we're in our dormitory we don't have to hide, we can sleep together if we like to."

"But what about you? What do _you_ think about it?" A bit distracted Harry takes his hand.

"Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. If we hide we can't show our feelings openly, if we tell, then probably some people will be mean to me. I mean, they will react to a Malfoy with their Saviour, and I understand completely if you're ashamed to be seen with me – "

"What? No! No way!" He grabs Draco's shoulders firmly. "I'm not ashamed of you, never! I thought I told you that I don't care what others think about you, I prefer to form my own opinion. If that's what you think, that I want to hide because I'm ashamed of you, then I'll announce it in the Great Hall at lunch."

"Easy, easy." He lifts Harry's hands down from his shoulders, but keeps holding them. He smiles a weak smile. "I believe you. Thank you." He leans in and gives him a quick kiss. "Well, as I said, to me it doesn't really matter, so what do you think of my suggestion?"

"I think it's a good one. For now at least. Should we tell Ron immediately?"

"I don't know, who are the ones we want to tell? Blaise already knows and I suppose you want to tell both Weasley and Granger?" He looks at the door, and then lets go of Harry's hands with a sigh.

Harry tilts his head. "Yes. Thinking about it it's not that many. I don't think the rest of the class need to know."

"Don't forget Pansy. She's non-negotiable."

"Well, it's our dormitory, Hermione and Parkinson then. Should we get them here and tell them all at once?" He scratches his chin.

"Why not. That way Blaise and Pansy can protect us if your friends can't take it. Since those two already know." He leans in and presses his face into Harry's neck and inhales deeply. After that he kisses the spot and sits up again. "Sorry. Sometimes you just have to."

"Does Parkinson know? How?" Harry looks confused.

"She doesn't know now, but she will understand what it is about when she gets summoned here and sees my happy face." He smiles.

Harry smiles back, but then the smile falters. "Ginny."

"What about her?" Draco narrows his eyes, regarding him in suspicion.

"I need to tell her too. I owe her that."

"I don't know if I like that your ex has that kind of claim on you." He looks displeased. "It's not your fault that you are gay, you don't owe her anything. Especially not when it's things that concerns me too."

"Yes I do, I treated her like shit, and I know it's something she'd really like to know. Please don't ask me to choose between you." He looks dejected.

"She marched up to me unprovoked and hit me in the face, sorry for not being her biggest fan."

"In her opinion you had stolen her boyfriend." Harry makes a sad little smile.

"No way. You were mine all the time, you just didn't know." He tilts his head. "So actually, she was just borrowing you from me for some time." A radiant smile suddenly wakes up on Draco's face, and before Harry can react he's pulled into a enthusiastic kiss. When it ends, Draco is grinning broadly. "Sure, let's tell her too. I'm looking forward to making it clear that you're mine, and that she's not allowed to even look at you the wrong way any more."

"Um, maybe I should do it on my own." He looks a bit hesitant.

"Not a chance. This is my thing to tell too, I want to be there. And I don't trust her the slightest not to try and guilt trip you for it, hopefully she'll play nicer if I'm there." He looks thoughtful for a moment. "And if she hits me again, this time I will hit her back."

Harry groans. "Draco, she's not the enemy you know. She's a nice and funny girl, and she's not going to... well, she might make a scene. But only a small one. And I actually like her very much."

Draco closes his eyes for a moment. "I'm going to explain something to you." He assumes a very patient expression. "This girl is your ex. A pretty new ex in addition to that. Until recently she was one of the things most central to your life. For all that's holy, you were going to get married! You don't get much more committed than that." He sighs. "Is it very hard to understand that I might be a bit... protective of you around her?" There's a twitching in the corner of his mouth. "And... telling me how much you still like your ex... that's not really nicely done."

"Oh." A smile tugs on Harry's lips. "You're jealous."

There's a snort, and Draco pulls Harry close, hiding his face in Harry's neck. "Maybe a little."

"Draco, I'm gay, and she's a girl. I've never been in love with her. I don't want her. I certainly don't need her, not for anything. You're perfectly safe from her." He strokes his hair. "Two more things. Firstly, I'm sorry if I said things that hurt you, I never meant to. Secondly, however much I like to hold you, Ron will soon be back, and it will kind of crash our plan if he sees us like this."

"I like the first one but not the second one." He sits up and moves away from almost sitting in Harry's lap. "So, what about the plan?"

"Well, we can ask Ron to get the girls, he's well-known over there, and one of us – "

The door opens and Ron enters. When he sees them sitting on Draco's bed his eyes narrow. "Aren't you two done talking yet? Blaise was totally insane yesterday night, I had to sleep with Hermione, and it was not popular with all of the girls." He glares at Draco.

"Actually Ron..." Harry stands up and walks over to him. "I was wondering if you could do me a favour."

"No way. I'm not getting kicked out again."

"No, it's actually the other way around." He bites his lip.

Ron looks at him in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I would be very happy if you could go back to the girls and bring back Hermione here." He hears Draco clear his throat. "And Parkinson. Both of them."

"You want me to go get Hermione and Parkinson and take them back here? Now?" Ron puts down the sweater he was holding.

"Yes please." Harry smiles at him.

"Well, OK. I hope you have a good reason." He leaves the room again.

Draco stands up and walks over to the door. "I'm going to get Blaise too. I have a suspicion that he'll be sulking for days if he miss this."

"Good idea." Harry sits down on his own bed, thinking about what to say. How do you tell your best friends that the person they spent most of their adolescence hating is now your boyfriend? Should he explain how long he had wanted Draco, or would Ron get furious for Ginny's sake? Would Draco's best friend stop looking at him in fear as soon as he comes close now? He must admit that that would be nice, it's not really fun to be treated like some kind of monster. What would Hermione say? Or has she already figured it out? It wouldn't surprise him. He looks up as Draco and Blaise walks in. Draco sits down next to Harry and gives him a quick kiss.

Blaise rolls his eyes. "If you're going to be that cute all the time the rest of us will have to flee, again. And I don't even have a girlfriend to sleep with."

"Don't worry, at night we just close the curtains and cast a silencing spell, you won't even know that we're there, even less what we do." He grins at Blaise while Harry blushes slightly beside him.

"Thanks you very much, I just got mental images I don't want to have of two of my closest friends." He puts a hand over his eyes.

"What can I say, I'm always here to make your day." He gives him a satisfied smile.

"Well, I really hope I'm here because you'll going to make my day too." Pansy walks in through the door, Ron and Hermione behind her, the latest looking suspiciously at them.

"Maybe, maybe not." Draco turns the smile to her, and she gives a small squeal, looking as if she's going to clap her hands.

Hermione gives her a disdainful glare and turns to Harry. "Would you care to tell us why all the Slytherins in this room all looks like someone told them that they're not the pariahs of the school?" She and Ron sit down on the latter's bed.

"Irking you to be left out? To not know what's going on?" Pansy winks slowly at Hermione.

"Shut up, both of you." Draco gives both girls an irritated glare. He looks at Harry who has put a hand over his eyes. "If you can keep quiet for a minute Harry has something to tell you."

"_I_ have?" Harry looks stressed.

"It's your friends over there looking totally bewildered. My friends over there looking delighted. I'd say that it's you who'll be doing the talking." Draco gives him an amused smirk.

"Oh. Well. Um." He looks from Hermione's impatient face to Ron's confused. "So, as you probably is totally aware of, I and Draco talked a bit yesterday."

"That's an understatement. Whole evening and half night is more correct." Ron sounds irritated. "You could have told us that it would be that late." He shakes his head. "No offence, but it's Malfoy after all, what could you two have to talk about for so long?" A stifled laughter can be heard from Blaise.

"Um, you see..." Harry squirms. "We started to talk about one thing, and then started to talk about something else, and the time just..." He glares at the snickering Blaise.

"How about coming to the point? Right now you're just babbling really meaningless stuff." Hermione frowns at him.

"Yeah. The point. I'm a bit unsure what you will say about this, but it seemed like a good idea to tell you." He bites his lip and looks at them with a worried expression.

"You really are useless at this." Blaise shakes his head. "Draco, give him some help, or we'll be here for the rest of the day."

Draco smiles, turns to Harry and puts a hand on his leg. "Harry?"

"Yes?" He looks nervous.

"Just shut up." With that he places a hand behind Harry's neck, leans in and kisses him.

Pansy is almost bouncing in excitement, Blaise is wearing a happy grin, Ron looks like someone has thrown a bucket of cold water over his head, and Hermione looks from Draco to Pansy and back to Draco again.

"But... but you two..." She blinks.

"I hate to say I told you so." Pansy grins at her, and doesn't seem to hate it at all.

"But Harry..." Hermione looks worried. "Isn't this a bit sudden?" She regards Draco in open suspicion.

"Well..." Harry looks from Draco to Blaise to Ron, where he takes a deep breath and turns back to Hermione again. "It took me very long to understand, but... I'd say that I'll been in love with him the last two and a half years or so, so no, I think it's about time."

"Oh." She blinks. "I suppose that it could explain some things in sixth year. I never thought though..." She stares at Draco.

Seeming unaffected, Draco addresses her. "If you need to know I've waited for Harry even longer than that, so this is certainly not something sudden."

Harry picks up Draco's hand from his leg and laces their fingers together. "If I couldn't accept that I wanted boys, how could I have seen that it was Draco I wanted all along?"

"Whoa, wait a minute now." Ron seems to have woken up. "What about Ginny?"

"What about her?" Harry bites his lip nervously.

"So you've been in love with him for years, and you just lied to Ginny about your feelings for her?" He frowns.

"Um, most of the time I actually thought that I was in love with her." He looks down on their hands.

"Most of the time? And the rest? Did you spend that time with him?" The frown is definitely angry now.

"Calm down, Ron. This is all new, remember? It all happened yesterday."

"Yeah, sure. Nice try." Ron glares at Draco before turning back to Harry. "Everyone with eyes in their head has seen how you two have been looking at each other all the time." He stands up. "You've been seeing him behind her back, admit it!"

"Ron, easy." Blaise steps up and puts a hand on his shoulder. "There's no need to get all worked up."

"Then I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he never cheated on her with that detestable being over there."

Harry gets pale and stares at Ron, unable to say a word.

"I knew it! Let go of me, I-"

"Stop it Weasley." Draco glares at him. "Try to use the brain you've been given, of course he didn't cheat on her. The reason he's all frozen up is because of the time when _I_ kissed _him_, but he can't really be blamed for that. He just pushed me away and left, what else could he have done?"

Ron's eyes narrow, but he stops fighting Blaise. "So you dared to kiss him? Even thought you knew he was happy with my sister? Why?"

"Because I thought he wanted me too. Kind of a nasty surprise when I was wrong." A pained sound can be heard from Harry, and Draco moves his hand to put his arm around Harry's waist instead, leaning in and whispering something in his ear. When Harry looks a bit happier he turns back to Ron. "And I honestly doubt that they were fully happy. Take a thoroughly gay man and force him to satisfy a love-sick girl, and I would spell that disaster."

"Harry never said anything to me. Don't you think he would have talked to his best friend if he had any problems?" The glare he gives Draco is filled with loathing.

Draco stares at him in disbelief. "And what was he supposed to say? 'Hi, just so you know, I'm not man enough to fuck your baby sister.'? I can't see any way it would have worked for any of you."

"That was uncalled for." Hermione frowns at Draco. "He's obviously supposed to be your boyfriend, it's not nice to emasculate him like that."

"Oh, I think you misunderstood me." Draco arcs an amused eyebrow at her. "I was talking about a gay man trapped with a girl, I'm entirely confident that he's more than man enough to fuck me."

Two blushes rise simultaneously in Harry and Ron's faces, Hermione looks scandalized, Pansy and Blaise try hard not to laugh, and Draco looks unaffected as if he was talking about the weather.

"For the sake of preserving everyone's mental balance, let's leave your actions in bed out of the discussion." Blaise still looks very amused. "I've said it before, there are mental pictures I don't need to have of my friends."

"Yes please." Harry tries to fight back the blush. "I'm sure there are a lot of topics that I would feel much more comfortable with."

"I don't want to be a killjoy here, but Harry, are you really sure about this? About him? If he was in love with you like he said, why did he break your nose on the train? Why did he attack you in the bathroom?" Hermione looks unsure and worried.

"That is between me and Harry." Draco's carefree face is gone, replaced with a hard expression.

"Why?" Ron gives Draco a dark look.

Harry sighs. "Because there are things that aren't made for sharing. Draco and I have been talking a good deal since last summer, and we have straightened out a lot of things. You just have to believe me when I say that he's not the bad person I often thought he was." He looks down at their hands and then up at Draco. "I think I've known that in the past years, I just didn't want to see it."

"Come on, Harry." Ron shakes his head. "You might, I say might, be in love, but this is starting to get stupid. Are you telling us that the creep who tried to scare you off your broom with the dementor trick actually is a good person? Have you forgotten the Diggory badges?"

"People grow up. Especially if they to go through a war."

"So you're just forgetting it all and going on like it never happened?" An irritated frown takes place on Ron's face.

"I remember a boy who abandoned his best friend when the Triwizard Tournament began." Draco's voice is like frozen steel. "There were a lot of rumours about how he even left Harry when Harry most needed support, would you care to enlighten us about which of them was true?" He regards Ron coldly. "But being a thoroughly good person who never makes mistakes, I'll take it that you had a very good reason."

There's silence in the room; all eyes are on Ron who slowly turns an increasingly red colour. It's Harry who starts talking at last. "What about stopping the reminders of who did what? Can't we just admit that we all did stupid things as kids, and that we have grown up a lot since then?"

"But what about the things when we weren't kids?" Ron looks sulky. "How can you ignore all he did during the war?"

"I don't. I know that he saved my life, more than once. I know he did some bad stuff, but I also know why. I know that he didn't want to fight at the Death Eaters' side. Even Voldemort knew that." Harry finds Draco's hand and squeezes it when the latter gasps and pales.

"You can't know that." Hermione wears a slightly patronizing expression.

"Yes, I can. I heard him talking to Lucius during the battle. He wondered if Draco had stayed behind to befriend me. And I don't have to remind you that Voldemort was a highly skilled Legilimens, it wouldn't have been hard for him to get through Draco's defences and find out his wishes."

Five pair of eyes are locked at Draco, all serious and slightly scared. Imagining being the person Voldemort knew was silently rebelling against him is a unpleasant thought. Suddenly the silence is broken by an unexpected sound – Hermione is laughing.

"Oh Harry, this is so typical you." She walks over and gives him a hard hug. "We all know how your life has been, but when you finally get some peace, what do you do? You start by ditching the person everyone thinks is the girl of your dreams, just to surpass yourself by coming out as gay. Obviously you can't stop there, naturally you have to get yourself a boyfriend." With a small laugh she looks at Harry very tenderly. "And of course you have to choose the most controversial guy you can find." She sits back on Ron's bed. "I can't say that I'm totally comfortable with this, I can't say that I'm not worried. But you seem to trust him, and that has to count for something. This is your choice to make, and if Draco Malfoy is the one you have chosen..." She throws her arms in the air. "Well, I suppose I'll have to reluctantly accept it." She turns to Draco. "I'm sorry, but I don't like you. On the other hand, I don't know you either. I will try to keep an open mind."

Draco blinks. "Thank you. I think."

"Hermione, you've got to be kidding." Ron groans. "Am I the only one who still has a working brain? It is _Malfoy_ we're talking about. He's been an ass as long as I have known him, and last time I checked he was a sentenced criminal, convicted for his actions in the war."

"He's been a good and loyal friend as long as I've known him." Pansy looks irritated. "I know that he sometimes may have been a mean kid, but I also know that it takes two to make a quarrel." She throws an almost scared glance at Harry. "And if Harry Potter can accept him, isn't it time to start reappraise your opinion?"

"You're mental, all of you." With an annoyed snort he stands up and starts walking for the door.

"Ron." Harry sounds pleading. "If you're not going to accept this, at least please don't tell on us."

Ron gives a jerky nod, and then he leaves the room.

"He'll come around, just give him some time." Hermione looks a bit irritated.

"I don't think it's that bad." Blaise leans against Ron's bed. "We've been living together all this time, and he has accepted Draco just fine. He's probably just surprised."

"I think you're right" Harry sighs. "And leaves us with one thing left." He looks around with a thoughtful expression. "I know that Blaise is totally fine with all of this. It seems like Hermione is reluctantly accepting it, and is willing to give Draco a chance at least. That leaves one person." All of them looks at Pansy, who looks plain scared. "Parkinson, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't like it when people say that they want me dead, and I tend to take it personally. On the other hand you seem to be pretty close to Draco, who I care for and plan to spend a good amount of time with. If I promise not to kill you in your sleep, will you _please_ stop looking at me as if I was Voldemort incarnated?"

There's a snort from Hermione. "Don't you get that it would probably be something positive for her? You are to her what Voldemort was to us. The uttermost enemy and the ultimate terror of her dreams."

"No." Pansy's voice is thin and her face pale. "I don't see him as an enemy. You might call me turncoat, I call myself survivalist. This is the world I'm set to live in now, I adapt. However..." She swallows and looks intently down in the floor. "I do see him as one of the absolutely greatest wizards of our time, and he has more reason than anyone to curse me so badly that I won't know up from down. At least."

Harry groans. "Draco, could you _please_ tell your friend that I'm not a monster? That I'm not Voldemort. I don't use Cruciatus routinely to punish those who have displeased me. I don't enjoy causing other people pain. And I certainly don't run around cursing school-girls before breakfast just for fun." He rubs his face. "Parkinson, look at me." When Pansy's big, scared eyes meet his he continues. "You're not on the top ten list of people I like, but if Hermione can I guess that I can too. I don't hold you in especially high regard, but you seem to be important to Draco, so I'll admit that I don't know you, and I'll try to keep an open mind."

Both girls stare at Harry, one in total incredulity, the other in something close to horror. Draco snickers and exchanges an amused look with Blaise.

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me." Harry's face grows hard. "You and you..." He points first at Hermione and then at Pansy. "...will from now on make an intense effort to get along, and that's not a suggestion. I'm so totally fed up with your constant arguments. I expect a change in attitude from both of you, starting now." Then he stands up and holds out a hand to Draco. "How about breakfast?"

* * *

><p>"We're late." A small frown shows itself on Draco's face.<p>

"Take it easy, it's just lunch." Harry gives him a warm smile. "And I'm pretty satisfied with the reason for us being late. If Blaise had been there he would have informed us that kissing is serious business."

"If Pansy had been there she would have showed us how it's possible to have both feet on the ground while you're jumping up and down for joy." A smile tugs at his mouth. "And then Blaise would have dragged her out of there, talking about 'mental images'."

Harry laughs. "Probably. Why do you care if we're late?"

"Because when most of the people are seated, everyone will look at the doors every time they open, and it feels like it's written all over us how we have used this day so far."

"I don't think you need to worry. All they will see is two eighth-years coming to have lunch, and I can assure you that you're looking just as correct as always." His eyes travel over Draco's body, and he shows a satisfied smile.

"Seeing anything you like?" Draco lifts an amused eyebrow.

"Definitely." He grins. "Skipping lunch starts to sound tempting."

At that moment they turn around a corner, just to find a person that stands up from leaning against the wall and walks towards them. Ron's face is hard and determined, and he doesn't even acknowledge that Draco is there.

"Harry, there is some things you have to know." He folds his arms. "First, I think you're an idiot. Mental. Out of your mind." He unfolds his arms again and sighs. "You've made your decision, but I honestly don't have to like it. What I do want you to know though is that whatever stupid choice you make I am still your friend." He presses his lips together and shoots Draco the shortest of loathsome glances. "Nothing can come between us and change that."

"Thanks." A happy smile wakes on Harry's face. "That's nice to know." He shoots a smile at Draco before he turns back. "We're on our way to lunch, want to join us?"

Ron sends Draco another acidic glance. "No, sorry. I'd love to, but I don't really appreciate the company." He puts a hand on Harry's shoulder. "But remember, I'm always there if _you_ need me." He passes them and disappears behind the corner.

"Well, if I was Pansy I would say that it was a step in the right direction." A small amount of hurt can be seen under Draco's unaffected expression.

"Don't let him get to you." For a short moment Harry puts a hand on Draco's arm. "He might not be going to become your best friend, but he will get used to the idea and start acting like a normal person in a while."

"Sometimes you're so naïve." Draco shakes his head. "Don't you see, that is how normal people will react when they get to know."

"Yeah. I suppose that's true." Harry sighs. "And I hate it. Well, honestly, I think that's the only reason that I want us to keep this a secret, I can't stand seeing you being treated like that. I don't care the slightest for what they might say about me."

"You care for me." His voice is totally emotionless and his face wary.

"Yes, of course. Why shouldn't I?" Surprise and confusion flows over Harry's face.

"It's strange." Draco seems to choose his words carefully. "I'm not that kind of person. The kind that anyone cares about." He pauses for a moment. "It's a bit scary."

"I'm pretty sure that Parkinson cares for you."

"That's not the same. She's special. Our relation is... different. It doesn't count, it has been there for so long." He chews on his lip and looks a bit frustrated.

"Special. Should I be jealous?" Harry winks at him.

"No. And maybe yes." The look he gives Harry is uncertain and a bit nervous. "I'm not in love with her, and I will never be. But she has been standing by my side when all others had nothing but loathing and hate for me. I will never leave her, however much you dislike her."

"I see. She's a part of the package, if I want you I'm stuck with her too." A glimpse of a laugh in his eyes takes away the seriousness from his words. "Honestly, I can live with that. She's not my favourite pal, and I doubt that she will ever be, but if she only stops treating me like I'm a nightmare come true I think I could accept to have her around."

Draco's eyes are big and filled with emotions, and when he speaks it is with a low voice. "Do you have any idea how much I'd like to kiss you right now?"

"Um, since we're in a corridor in the middle of the school... Why do I always have to be the responsible one?" He sighs. "Come on, let's go to lunch before we do something we'll regret."

"Well, the faster we get to lunch, the faster we can go back to the dormitory and start on our Potions essays. Or something."

"If Blaise and Ron don't want to be there too." He looks displeased at the thought.

"That's what you have curtains for." He gives Harry a satisfied smirk.

oOo

When they reach the doors to the Great Hall, Draco puts a hand on Harry's arm to stop him. "Harry, you said that you don't care what people say about me, right?" He bites his lip and looks a bit unsure.

"Yes. I don't care a bit. I care about what I know about you, in my opinion you're a sometimes strange person with a lot of hidden qualities, and I like that person. Pretty much actually. And no, my feelings for you won't change because of what people say, it just doesn't matters." Harry smiles at him. "I promise."

Draco takes a deep breath. "In that case, screw the world outside."

"What do you mean?" A confused frown forms on his face.

"I don't want us to hide. If it doesn't matter to you what people say, then it doesn't matter to me either."

"You mean... you want to go public with it? With us?"

"Yes. You said that I'm the reason that you want it to be a secret, and I say that it's fine with me. I don't want to be scared to silence, forced to hide something that is perfectly normal. I'm not ashamed of us, and I don't want to act as if I am." Draco's face gets unsure. "Or do you still want us to hide?"

"I must admit that it's probably easier to hide, but I really don't like to be forced to do things either." He gives Draco a thoughtful look. "Are you really sure of this? You know how Ron reacted."

"As long as their behaviour doesn't make you leave me, I couldn't care less." He squirms under Harry's firm gaze. "Well, it might sting a bit sometimes, but I'm perfectly sure that it's worth it."

"I'm pretty sure that I told you some time ago that if you were my boyfriend, I would fight for you. That still stands." He reaches out and takes Draco's hand hard in his. "Are you ready to face the world?" When Draco nods he opens the doors, and hand in hand they walk into the Great Hall.

* * *

><p>Where one plot ends, another starts. But that's a different story.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Here is where we leave our boys for now. Thank you all very much for reading, you've made my day over and over again.<em>


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